My fiancée out of the blue just told me she has been struggling with me being a man. She has been trying to be straight and apparently can't do it anymore. She can't see herself as anything other than a lesbian. Now, I'm not mad at her. I'm destroyed inside because this was the woman I was planning on spending the rest of my life with. She has been 200% supportive of my transition and honestly I didn't have a hint that this was coming. She did a good job of hiding it. Although lately yeah, our relationship has struggled. But she is my everything. This happened last night and she still says she loves me but I told her it's okay. I understand. I wouldn't want her to be with someone she doesn't want to be with. Part of me is holding on to some hope that she will realize our love is enough. But I'm not sure that is ever going to happen. She was literally a month away from moving in with me. Finally being together. And now it is all over. 
Last night I couldn't stop crying. Even today I couldn't stop. And just now I don't know what happened to me but I can't feel anything. I know if I let myself, I will feel all of the pain over again. I sense it at bay but right now it's not overpowering me. I don't know how to cope with this. I asked her if I stopped taking T but still got my chest surgery if she could be alright with me. That was a stupid thing to say. She doesn't want me to stop. She says it isn't staying true to myself. But right now, I don't even want to take T. I have an interview tomorrow and I don't want to go. I also work tomorrow and I just feel like giving up.

This was literally the most perfect woman I ever could have asked for. And I lost her because I'm trans. How am I supposed to live with this?

Dang, that stinks but it seems you're handling the whole situation well. How long were you two together? It is better and easier to recognize that it's being said in a way of support (at least in my interpretation).

Quote from: androidnick on July 01, 2014, 07:06:20 PM
This was literally the most perfect woman I ever could have asked for. And I lost her because I'm trans. How am I supposed to live with this?

There's not only one best person for each person in the world. And if she had doubts about how she felt towards you - she wasn't really it, was she?

Also - consider this an opportunity. You're figuring out who you are in context of your transition. Now you have the space to really find out what you want for your life. You just avoided making a lifelong decision when you are still in early adulthood  - you will look back on this later and realize it was for the best.

Transitioning is the ultimate family, friend and romantic relationship filter: you get to see whose really there for you despite the changes. Sounds like she was mostly in it for your physical feminine traits, which you are trying to remove by taking T and getting chest surgery. Granted, not all lesbians think like this but I'm getting the feeling that  when she said she supported you, she might have really though that she could handle it and that it wouldn't change you entirely. She realized after a while and, possibly, some research that she wouldn't be able to handle it and now she's bowing out. Don't stop trying to transition for the sake of someone else to stay with you: you will feel resentful, passive-aggressive and unhappy with life in general to the point that you can't take it anymore. Live for yourself and think of this as not the end but the beginning of a new life.

I know it's hard, but when you make someone your everything- then you are only cheating yourself. I know that's easier said then done. It seems that she wants you to be happy, and to not cheat yourself out of a good life even if that means the two of you not being together. She is having a hard time figuring herself out as well, and that's enough to stress anyone out. Maybe the two of you can be friends for now, and maybe one day she will realize how you all have such a strong connection without it being based on physical appearance.  Go to your job interview, go to work. Don't stop your life because of this. You will look back on this as an experience that was wonderful. If she decides that the relationship is over, there are plenty of beautiful women out there as well. I know it may seem so unbelievably hurtful right now, but you will move on and time will heal you.

Hm, I don't know if it's really fair to say she wanted him for the wrong reasons. I think it's possible for someone to really believe that they could remain with someone even if their sexual orientation dictated otherwise, just to have it get harder and harder over time. It's clear that she loves you, Nick, because she didn't want you to stop any part of transition for her. She wants you to be happy and to do what is right for you, even if it means that she's not comfortable being romantically involved anymore.

As hard as it may be for you now, in the end, you deserve to be with someone who wants a man because that is what you are. I'd also like to add, keeping busy (i.e., going to the interview, working, etc) will make this process somewhat easier.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is never easy. But you're going to be OK, and until you are, it's OK not to be OK. Just do the best you can.

Quote from: androidnick on July 01, 2014, 07:06:20 PM

This was literally the most perfect woman I ever could have asked for. And I lost her because I'm trans. How am I supposed to live with this?

You do as others before you, we cry, cry some more and look towards what is needed for us to be happy. Any loss of deep felt love will cut us to the heart but its up to us to not bleed.

As we did before we set our sights to the future and re open the door for someone that can be that true life partner.

Hugs for you to cry on my shoulder.

You will survive this as did I and many other here.

Isabell

QuoteAnd I lost her because I'm trans.

You also met her because you're trans. Had you been born a cisman, she would have never wanted to give it a chance, being a lesbian.
And it's what they say, isn't it? Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. It's about the journey. You had a good run with in your eyes the perfect woman. Cherish the good times and look back to them with a smile.

I know that won't stop the pain right now, and I'm really sorry she had to let you go. But time will make you feel better.

Well man, all I can tell you is that it really sucks, but I can promise you that (as cliche as this sounds), it *does* get better. Things will look up as soon as you start to recover from this, and who knows, you may find someone special on the journey to healing. It may leave a scar in your mind but at least you can look back and be happy for those nice memories in the past. I went through something similar to you a year ago, though the cards were a bit different.. she was a girl that was 100% straight and when I finally told her personally that I was trans just to make sure she knew everything about me, she left. After a couple years of dating and planning for the future, she simply left me for something that was inevitably a part of me.. I eventually had to come to terms with this myself, and it was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. Now, a year later, I am with another girl that (I told from the start about my transition) accepts me truly for who I am and I haven't been this happy in a very long time. Like I said, things do get better, but the haul to pull through can (and most likely will) be hard. It's all worth it in the end, I promise you, friend. We are here for you too if you need support, so don't forget about that.

Whatever you do, don't abruptly stop taking your T. That would just make an already emotional time worse. I'm glad it still sounds like she loves and supports you, even if she does want to change the nature of your relationship.

I am pre everything and right now I think the only chance I have at finding love is with a bisexual. They have to be able to accept me as I am now, the fact that I want to transition, the fact that right now I consider myself bi-gendered having both male and female components of my personality. If I had already complete the change, a lesbian would be more likely to accept me, but would she accept the male part of my personality assuming it doesn't vanish under HRT?

androidnick, have you ever heard the saying. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."? She is right you really need to be true to yourself or you will never be happy. and seems like she still wants to be friends. But the heart wants want the heart wants and we are as helpless to that as we are being trans. Just be happy that there was that closeness there for the time it was, cry it out and then cry some more. And then pick yourself up, dry your tears and no matter what be true to you because there is someone out there that will love you for you no matter what. Yeah I know I am kind of sappy and a hopeless and definately a helpless romantic. I really can't help it though. There is someone out there for you. How many tears I shed over guys and girls could fill an olympic swimming pool but the next love always seemed a little better than the last one. BTW my last one was really good, so the next one may be the one most true. Never give up looking for the happiness in love.

Sorry to butt in on your guy's forum but it breaks my heart when ya'll go through stuff like this. But always work toward your own happiness first and whoever falls for you will understand it no matter what.

I'm sorry you're going through this Nick.  I know you seemed like an incredibly happy person with your fiance.  I hope the love is strong enough for you two to be together again, but if it's not, then here's my take on it.

For one, I would praise her.  Even though this is a traumatic event in your life, consider yourself very lucky that the break-up happened the way that it did because things could have been a lot worse.  She could have stabbed you in the back.  She could have just abruptly left with no explanation whatsoever without ever talking to you again, and some partners do that.  She could have waited to say something after you two got married and moved in, which would have made it an even more difficult situation.  Be thankful that she is giving you some closure, and not only that, but still wants to be a part of your life seemingly.  It's okay to mourn her.  Cry as much as you need to.  Let it all out. I feel your pain, man....I really do. I was in a similar situation about 6 months ago.  The best thing I recommend is staying busy.  Once you have mourned her, don't stay there.  You need to stay busy and move on with your life because chances are, she's going to move on with hers (and if she's cis, she might happen to move on a bit more faster)  When you're not busy, your mind will just dwell on her more and make you even more sad.

spacerace really nailed it- You dodged a bullet.

You seem like a great guy that has it all together.  I sense that you will have no problems finding another girl that will totally accept you for you who are without reservations, if you never get back with your ex-fiance.  I know it's tough, but hang in there.

Hey, Nick.  I know we have never talked, but I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are.  I know that this has to be really rough and was wondering if you would give us an update?  Hang in there.

QuoteThis was literally the most perfect woman I ever could have asked for. And I lost her because I'm trans.

Try not to see it this way if you can. It'll make the process of transitioning even more painful and stressful. If she's lesbian, she wouldn't have dated you if you were born a cisgender man. Being transgender is the only reason you had a relationship with her in the first place - not the reason it's over. She saved you even more pain by ending it as soon as she knew she couldn't keep going. Some people keep trying for years, and it only gets worse. It may help you heal if you keep that in mind.

Hey, sorry to hear about your breakup. But, at the risk of sounding too harsh, it really does sound as though she loved you for any feminine qualities. Understandable, if she's a lesbian, but in my true opinion I would think that if you love someone honestly, you would love them through anything. But, the important thing is she wants you to be who you are, and I think that's pretty commendable! 

Still, please think of it as a new beginning to things. You will be happier eventually, even though it'll feel like an eternity.

~Elliott

Quote from: Moimoinen on July 20, 2014, 12:54:03 PM
Understandable, if she's a lesbian, but in my true opinion I would think that if you love someone honestly, you would love them through anything....
~Elliott

This is only true to a point in that we can only love someone as we perceive them to be. As we learn more it's possible and even likely that love can wane or change. Finding that the person you love is not the sex or gender you thought is a pretty big reveal, whether that person knew it or not, themselves.

No one is at fault here, sad as that ending undoubtedly is, it only becomes tragedy when one or the other "compromises" to the degree of being untrue to themselves.

This is exactly where I find myself. My wife thought she married a man and so did I. Thirty three years later we both find out that wasn't true. If she can't become a lesbian for me that's no more a failing than that I can't live as a man for her. Rejoice in what you had, salvage what you can and go on. Be the best man or woman you can so that the sacrifice is not in vain.

Where did this soapbox come from?

Quote from: Dee Walker on July 20, 2014, 01:40:59 PM

This is only true to a point in that we can only love someone as we perceive them to be. As we learn more it's possible and even likely that love can wane or change. Finding that the person you love is not the sex or gender you thought is a pretty big reveal, whether that person knew it or not, themselves.

No one is at fault here, sad as that ending undoubtedly is, it only becomes tragedy when one or the other "compromises" to the degree of being untrue to themselves.

This is exactly where I find myself. My wife thought she married a man and so did I. Thirty three years later we both find out that wasn't true. If she can't become a lesbian for me that's no more a failing than that I can't live as a man for her. Rejoice in what you had, salvage what you can and go on. Be the best man or woman you can so that the sacrifice is not in vain.

Where did this soapbox come from?

Oh, I hope I didn't come across in a condescending 'she has to love you' kind of way!

I didn't mean it in that way at all, in fact I'm very impressed by her being very supportive throughout it all.

I think at the time I was thinking along more of a 'loving for personality rather than looks' thing, but I really do understand that she would rather be with a woman (at least that's what I'm hearing), and that we can't exactly choose who and what we like. 

Unfortunately!

You'll be crying a lot more if you take your hormones inconsistently.

Do you think she might still be there for you as a friend? If your platonic relationship isn't too volatile she could be an important source of understanding and support. You might need that, especially in the aftermath of a breakup.

That's really rough, but there are always more people out there. Just be glad that she let you know this way instead of trying to guilt you into being something you're not- this is hard now, but it will get better. Hopefully you two can stay close, she sounds like a good person. Just understand that there's no real way it could've worked out if she's not happy being with a man and you're not happy NOT being a man- this is really what's best for you both. I'm really sorry it had to happen, though.