I'm running up against a brick wall right now. My hmo is ignoring my pleas for help with navigating trans healthcare, and I'm extremely top dysphoric lately. It's to the point where I even see a little hint of bump in my chest and all day I'm figety. Binding doesn't even look like it's working in my eyes anymore for some reason.  Maybe because it's summer but I'm just so stuck. I'm losing weight, I'm healthy but every day I wake up with more and more dysphoria. Binding helps calm me down, but just isn't enough. I just applied for a credit card for top because I can't even think about ruining my credit when I'm about to spiral out of control. I have no access to therapy because the only place that has it has a long list. I live in a red state that doesn't like to do anything for trans people and I'm just so miserable and lonely and constantly feeling suicidal. Hotlines don't help me because they just make me more miserable, I don't think I can stomach it right now.

Can I ask you guys for some support and coping mechanisms to help calm down my top dysphoria until I can get my finances figured out? I really don't think I can wait until I save up the money-I don't think I can wait another 6months I really don't.

Only took me $280 and 3 weeks for a top surgery letter from this http://gendertherapist.com/
If you have a job you can pay with care credit. You just have to make sure you pay it back on time or get huge debt.

I don't need the therapist for the top surgery letter, but to deal with my feelings before I go in. I feel so out of control of myself right now and I'm not dealing well: I feel like I need to have a system in place to help me deal with my emotions until things get figured out. I don't have a job right now, i'm trying to get one and Trust me I'd rather be in debt and alive than dead

I know just how you feel, I've been having those same thoughts being rather...healthily endowed. Do you wear button up shirts at all? I find it to be a good compromise between looking normal and being able to breath. Other than that, I've taken up doing prisoner body weight style working out. You don't need weights and you don't have to leave your room. Doing push-ups takes my mind off everything that drives me nuts.

I'm 5'6", 130lbs, small frame, with a 36B/C chest - there's no hiding these things. I don't bind, I just use a sports bra and try to pretend they're pecs. I also try not to look there in the mirror. I forget who, but someone else here said something along the lines of feeling their real chest is underneath the boobs. I'm hoping for top surgery in December, and I'm just trying to cope with the fatty deposits on my chest until then. I'm in the process of coming out at work, eating comfort foods, and being pudgy. After this week, when I'm out to everyone, I want to get back on my low carb paleo diet and get back down to 120lbs and work out. Losing that 10lbs will make things look better, and building muscle will make me feel better.

One other thing that's helping me is looking at photos of me in male clothes where my chest is hidden, and holding that image in my head when I think about how I look. You can also cover the mirror so you can only see yourself from the armpits up.

I hope you will find something that works for you to deal with the dysphoria. Also, keep talking to us here, and I hope you have someone in your life off-line that will listen and let you vent.

Have you talked to your regular physician about this? They might be able to light a fire under someone's ass to get you some help.

-Jay

I was in a really bad mood earlier and had to get my mind off things. My dysphoria for now has calmed down and I can think in a more objective way. I'll still seek out the help that I need and continue exercising and take the suggestion to work out doing pushups. I'll keep you guys updated on my situation. I don't really have anyone I can vent to who doesn't just accept my feelings for what they are without making me feel like it's my fault. I don't have many close friends and my family is struggling with how to help me too. I know I just need a fresh pair of eyes. It's just frustrating living here, I've wanted to move for so long. I'll do everything in my power to get myself in a healthy space of mind and body.