Seriously. I have this undying need to just disappear, vanish and never be remembered. I feel sufficated and closed in. Disappearing from everyone, including my own family just to escape my cage. I know it will hurt them and it would hurt my mother a lot more, but it has to be done or no matter what i do, i'll end up drowning. I even told my therapist yesterday i need to move and just disappear.

I feel that way a lot.  There is beauty in starting fresh and being able to invent yourself as you would like it to be.  I've even done it a few times.  Fleeing Seattle to Denver; Denver to Alaska; Alaska to Washington DC; and finally back to Seattle.  Works pretty well for a while, then comes the realization that I brought myself along.  Kind of pisses me off when that happens.  I totally understand it for folks who can pass like fish, but what can I say - ain't me, and my life has its ups and downs but I live my truth, and don't much care what anyone else's is.  Whatever you decide let your mom in on it, even if it is after the fact.  I know what it is like to have one of yours just vanish - and it sucks.

Peace,
Julie

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 03, 2014, 02:14:52 PM
Seriously. I have this undying need to just disappear, vanish and never be remembered. I feel sufficated and closed in. Disappearing from everyone, including my own family just to escape my cage. I know it will hurt them and it would hurt my mother a lot more, but it has to be done or no matter what i do, i'll end up drowning. I even told my therapist yesterday i need to move and just disappear.

Believe me as good as it sounds it doesen't really solve anything. I was that way when I was younger, I would just disappear for months if not a year or more. When I would come back home, everything was the same but at least I got to get away and decompress. But you have to have some way to make income and so on or you may find yourself in a worst situation than you are in now. I imagine being homeless and having to beg for money would suck. I was very fortunate on that part. Yeah there were really lean times and times I would go a day or two without eating or living on bologna sandwiches but always had a roof over my head. Just be prepared, 'cause it can get really tough really fast and then you gotta do what you gotta do. Hell, I still think about running away to a place no one knows who I am or anything else about me and actually do sometimes but I don't struggle like I did before. Now it's more like extended vacations.

Quote from: Jess42 on July 03, 2014, 02:48:34 PM
Believe me as good as it sounds it doesen't really solve anything. I was that way when I was younger, I would just disappear for months if not a year or more. When I would come back home, everything was the same but at least I got to get away and decompress. But you have to have some way to make income and so on or you may find yourself in a worst situation than you are in now. I imagine being homeless and having to beg for money would suck. I was very fortunate on that part. Yeah there were really lean times and times I would go a day or two without eating or living on bologna sandwiches but always had a roof over my head. Just be prepared, 'cause it can get really tough really fast and then you gotta do what you gotta do. Hell, I still think about running away to a place no one knows who I am or anything else about me and actually do sometimes but I don't struggle like I did before. Now it's more like extended vacations.

ah, i wouldnt just up and disappear without actually being able to support myself. i mean moving to a new house somewhere far away. my mother would have contact with me but as far as knowing where i live, that information wouldnt be given. yea, i need time to think and de-stressify. i hate to say it but my family is causing me the most stress though i know they mean well and i know i cause them stress to, but there's a difference. i dont handle my stress very well and it affects my sleeping and eating a lot more than most people. my body is already in a weak condition. continuing to add stress would be the death of me

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 03, 2014, 02:54:18 PM
ah, i wouldnt just up and disappear without actually being able to support myself. i mean moving to a new house somewhere far away. my mother would have contact with me but as far as knowing where i live, that information wouldnt be given. yea, i need time to think and de-stressify. i hate to say it but my family is causing me the most stress though i know they mean well and i know i cause them stress to, but there's a difference. i dont handle my stress very well and it affects my sleeping and eating a lot more than most people. my body is already in a weak condition. continuing to add stress would be the death of me

Sometimes dear we just have to say "F" it. Sometimes people really mean well, but I will let you in on a little secret... It is up to us to either listen to and follow their advice or not. There are some ways you can handle stress and my big way is that I don't care. I could care less what people think of me family, friends or strangers.

A little advice is to read up on different ways to cope with your stress. There are things that you can do, get out in nature if you can with no one around you and just bask in the trees, insects, animals and just the peace and quiet without human interaction. That has always worked for me. If that doesn't work for you then find something that does. believe me, it's worth when you find that relief.

Quote from: Jess42 on July 03, 2014, 03:12:00 PM
Sometimes dear we just have to say "F" it. Sometimes people really mean well, but I will let you in on a little secret... It is up to us to either listen to and follow their advice or not. There are some ways you can handle stress and my big way is that I don't care. I could care less what people think of me family, friends or strangers.

A little advice is to read up on different ways to cope with your stress. There are things that you can do, get out in nature if you can with no one around you and just bask in the trees, insects, animals and just the peace and quiet without human interaction. That has always worked for me. If that doesn't work for you then find something that does. believe me, it's worth when you find that relief.

i havent been hiking in awhile since i left boy scouts. i do find relief in the outdoors. just anything without legs or has more than 6 legs crawling on me causes me to go whiter than a ghost. hmm, its way to hot to go to the park right now though so i'm stuck in the house

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 03, 2014, 03:26:21 PM
i havent been hiking in awhile since i left boy scouts. i do find relief in the outdoors. just anything without legs or has more than 6 legs crawling on me causes me to go whiter than a ghost. hmm, its way to hot to go to the park right now though so i'm stuck in the house

Yeah, I don't visit parks. When that urge hits I want to go someplace that another human may be at least a mile or more away. I want rue wilderness. Usually I do carry a 44 magnum Smith and Wesson just for some predators that think I may be and easy meal for or walk upon a bear or one upon me. Black bears aren't that bad and usually the sound of the gunfire will scare them away. And sometimes just screaming at them and trying to make yourself seem bigger will do the trick. I don't mind 6 legs other than wasp or hornets. The eight legs as long as it isn't black with a red hourglass or brown with a violin shape on the body doesn't really bother me either. Snakes, I know the difference between the venomous and non-poisonous ones so they really don't bother me too much either. I tend to give 'em a chance to get out of my way long before I get to them. I have seen so many snakes crawling fast to avoid me just by walking normally.

Quote from: Jess42 on July 03, 2014, 03:40:13 PM
Yeah, I don't visit parks. When that urge hits I want to go someplace that another human may be at least a mile or more away. I want rue wilderness. Usually I do carry a 44 magnum Smith and Wesson just for some predators that think I may be and easy meal for or walk upon a bear or one upon me. Black bears aren't that bad and usually the sound of the gunfire will scare them away. And sometimes just screaming at them and trying to make yourself seem bigger will do the trick. I don't mind 6 legs other than wasp or hornets. The eight legs as long as it isn't black with a red hourglass or brown with a violin shape on the body doesn't really bother me either. Snakes, I know the difference between the venomous and non-poisonous ones so they really don't bother me too much either. I tend to give 'em a chance to get out of my way long before I get to them. I have seen so many snakes crawling fast to avoid me just by walking normally.

thats one thing about being a boy scout, i have rifle training so i'm pretty accurate with a hunter sniper rifle xD

Quote from: JulieBlair on July 03, 2014, 02:40:40 PM
I feel that way a lot.  There is beauty in starting fresh and being able to invent yourself as you would like it to be.  I've even done it a few times.  Fleeing Seattle to Denver; Denver to Alaska; Alaska to Washington DC; and finally back to Seattle.  Works pretty well for a while, then comes the realization that I brought myself along.

Funny, I recently did this, after also done this many times, thinking this time was different. This time actually is different, because I literally brought baggage this time instead of just figuratively. My real baggage is so much less scary than my figurative baggage was, it's just some women's clothes and makeup.

Brianna, while it won't fix anything, a change of scenery can give one a new perspective on things. If you have the opportunity, what do you really have to lose by trying it? If it doesn't work out, you can always go back and be like I thought I'd love new city but I hate new city because [insert whatever new city doesn't have but old city has].

i know it may not solve anything, or it may cause more pain but i must leave before i become bound to this place any longer.

Most of my life has been never staying in one place or doing the same thing for more than a couple years, three at the most.
I don't understand the mindset of staying somewhere and being successful by doing so.
I have been very successful at many things, some more than others.
I wouldn't have been had I not had the experiences of adventure, sometimes not the best of ones.
To stand still and let the world come to you is to wait a long time to find that one thing.
To be on the move, to find those things worth knowing, that's my life.
I need to stop every so often and let myself catch up to me, to ponder the things I've seen and done.
Tonight, I think I'll sit back on the pontoon, out on the lake, just off shore and take pictures of the fireworks wars of the rich neighbors.
Tomorrow I'll take a look at what my camera saw, and think about what I saw.
Never the same  thing. It never ceases to amaze me.
Have a happy fourth for those who celebrate it.
Ativan

i've lived a nomadic life when i was young.  kept moving from place to place, never a moment to settle down. if i settle down, they'll find me and torment me all over again. i never stayed in one place for more than a year. however after i came here, i stayed for more the 8 1/2 years and its time i move on again. of course i'm a lot safer here because of my last name changing. i just need to just disappear, forget about the people and things of my past and just start over but of course the backlash is, i hurt the people that care about me the most

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 04, 2014, 01:02:59 PM
i've lived a nomadic life when i was young.  kept moving from place to place, never a moment to settle down. if i settle down, they'll find me and torment me all over again. i never stayed in one place for more than a year. however after i came here, i stayed for more the 8 1/2 years and its time i move on again. of course i'm a lot safer here because of my last name changing. i just need to just disappear, forget about the people and things of my past and just start over but of course the backlash is, i hurt the people that care about me the most

Oh Brianna dear. You can never run away from the past. It will follow you if even in your own mind and distort your present thoughts which effects your present life. The thing is that we have to make peace with our pasts. No matter how bad or whatever else once we can make peace with it we can be comfortable with ourselves. Starting over, moving to a place where no one knows you, making new friends, or just a difference in scenery is a good thing and can be quite a refreshing feeling espcially if you are the restless roaming type. But trying to run from the past without confronting it will overshadow all the good things about moving to a new place.

Quote from: Jess42 on July 05, 2014, 09:13:13 AM
Oh Brianna dear. You can never run away from the past. It will follow you if even in your own mind and distort your present thoughts which effects your present life. The thing is that we have to make peace with our pasts. No matter how bad or whatever else once we can make peace with it we can be comfortable with ourselves. Starting over, moving to a place where no one knows you, making new friends, or just a difference in scenery is a good thing and can be quite a refreshing feeling espcially if you are the restless roaming type. But trying to run from the past without confronting it will overshadow all the good things about moving to a new place.

i'm always being constantly reminded about my tragic past and being reminded constantly also brings petty, remorse, the mushy ahhhs, its like a vomit feast for me. my mother even uses that to get past everything else, get me out of trouble or remind me that i cant do anything without her knowing and her approval. i have my own mind and i make my own decisions but if i stay and not move on, i'll never get over my past because of the constant reminders. if i leave, forget and leave everything behind, i'll be rid of the reminds and i can finally move on. 

You won't forget, but you can be rid of the reminds.
Weigh out your options carefully.
There may be ways to be rid of the reminds without having to leave them behind.
You're just days away from a big day for yourself.
Consider that it just might change things for the better in ways you can't see right now.
Ativan