Dear Friends,

I've been feeling a bit frustrated lately.  Thinking about a certain problem to which there simply is no solution.  I don't expect anybody to offer me one.  There are some things you simply have to accept.

I've been out full-time for over a year and a half now, and it's been the happiest time of my life.  I'm one of the very lucky transpeople in this world: I've found acceptance and support from everybody I know—brother and sister, friends, neighbors, fellow townspeople, acquaintances, with very few negative experiences.

The sole exception is my dad.  My mother died three years ago without knowing anything about me, but my dad is still going fairly strong coming up on his 86th birthday.  Now he and I have long been somewhat estranged.  We're exact opposites.  He's very conservative, very strait-laced, very religious.  Add to this the fact that he's in Texas and I'm in Ireland.  We don't get together too often.

Now when I came out to my brother and sister (who are also in the US), they were perfectly accepting, but practically their first thought was that our dad couldn't know anything about it.  He just couldn't handle it.  It would upset him and could very likely damage his health.

I had to agree with them.  There are certain things he simply can't deal with.  I have a niece who recently came out as lesbian, and he doesn't know anything about that, either.  I have a nephew who recently started living with his long-time girlfriend without marrying her, and my dad has more or less barred her from his house.  He's not the most open on certain issues.

Lately the situation has become more and more frustrating for me.  The only contact I have with him any more is via e-mail.  When I changed my legal name, I opened a new e-mail account, but I kept my old one open to use only with him.  So that's the only way we contact each other any more, and I don't even sign my name when I send him an e-mail.  I can't use my new one, and I refuse to use my old one.

We used to talk to each other from time to time, either by phone or Skype, but we haven't done that for the longest time.  For one thing, my voice has changed a lot, but also my heart simply isn't in it any more.  I'm tired of the pretending, tired of the charade, tired of the farce.

Another consideration is that I won't ever see him alive again.  I won't even be at his funeral.  I wouldn't feel terribly welcome in a Southern Baptist Church in Texas (particularly since the Baptists have just come out firmly against transgender rights).  My sister once asked me if I could possibly attend his funeral in guy-mode, and I told her flat out that that was out of the question.  My male days are behind me now and they'll never come back.

Sometimes the sadness of ->-bleeped-<- (or rather the way society deals with ->-bleeped-<-) really hits me.  That parent and child should be separated over this issue is ridiculous.  ->-bleeped-<- is simply no big deal, and bit by bit people in the Western world are copping on to that.  But some people are lagging behind.

But it's hard for me to see where to go with this.  And there is still some lingering resentment in my heart for the way things were for me when I was young.  My parents' politics and religion and refusal to give an inch on any issue along with their "spare-the-rod-and-spoil-the-child policy" cost me a lot of grief in those days.

There was no way I could ever have come out to them when I was young.  Those were the days of Aversion Therapy, etc., and trangenderism was not something they would have messed about with.  They'd have had me at the shrink's in no time.  Lately I've been reading about Kirk Murphy and his "gay-cure" at the hands of George Rekers, and I feel sure that's what my life would have been like had my parents known anything about me.  I'd have been completely broken, and would have dragged my life out until I finally found the courage to commit suicide.

Sometimes I'm tempted just to tell my dad, and the hell with the consequences.  But I know this would cause a serious rift with my brother and sister.  They're much closer to him, both geographically and emotionally, than I am, and they wouldn't be the least bit pleased.

So it's simply an insoluble problem.  As unhappy as I am with the situation, I'm simply going to have to live with it.  Not my fault, I didn't create the situation, but what can you do?  Just venting here.  Thanks for your patience.

Best wishes to all,
Foxglove

sorry for your situation it's tough. What would happen if by some chance he wanted to see you in person before he passed.

I'm not convinced my youngest sister will ever accept me, but I plan to tell her anyway. I would rather risk the possibility of acceptance or rejection than live a lie. I'm holding off for now though. I've only just started therapy and I've only known a month.

Of course unlike you and your dad, i usually see my sister at least once or twice a year.

Quote from: stephaniec on July 03, 2014, 02:01:12 PM
What would happen if by some chance he wanted to see you in person before he passed.

Good question.  As a matter of fact, he and my brother and sister (and perhaps some of the grand-kids) are getting together in Nashville shortly, and he was saying he wished I could be there.  I didn't know what to say to that.

In any case, it's out of the question.  I never have too much money for trans-Atlantic travel, and I don't currently have a valid  passport.  Irish law doesn't allow me to have a gender-appropriate one and I won't accept anything else.  There is legislation currently being considered in the Irish parliament which should allow me to have one in another year or so.

If some time he becomes insistent that we get together, for Christmas or whenever, then I'd have to talk it over with my brother and sister.  I have no idea what they'd say.

@Awilliams: I can well understand why you'd want to come out to your sister, whatever her potential reaction.  I've come to regret that I didn't come out to my parents many years ago, after I'd left home when they couldn't hurt me any more.  It would have given them many years to accept the situation, and perhaps things would have been a lot better between us.

Well, you don't get everything in life.

Quote from: Foxglove on July 03, 2014, 02:14:18 PM
Good question.  As a matter of fact, he and my brother and sister (and perhaps some of the grand-kids) are getting together in Nashville shortly, and he was saying he wished I could be there.  I didn't know what to say to that.

In any case, it's out of the question.  I never have too much money for trans-Atlantic travel, and I don't currently have a valid  passport.  Irish law doesn't allow me to have a gender-appropriate one and I won't accept anything else.  There is legislation currently being considered in the Irish parliament which should allow me to have one in another year or so.

If some time he becomes insistent that we get together, for Christmas or whenever, then I'd have to talk it over with my brother and sister.  I have no idea what they'd say.

@Awilliams: I can well understand why you'd want to come out to your sister, whatever her potential reaction.  I've come to regret that I didn't come out to my parents many years ago, after I'd left home when they couldn't hurt me any more.  It would have given them many years to accept the situation, and perhaps things would have been a lot better between us.

Well, you don't get everything in life.

you've got a good problem. I know for myself if this was going to be my last opportunity to say goodbye to my father my brother and sister concerns would be the farthest from my mind . just my opinion not to be taken in any wrong way.

Quote from: stephaniec on July 03, 2014, 02:23:13 PM
you've got a good problem. I know for myself if this was going to be my last opportunity to say goodbye to my father my brother and sister concerns would be the farthest from my mind . just my opinion not to be taken in any wrong way.

I know what you're saying, and I kind of agree with you.  But I certainly don't want to alienate my brother and sister.  For one thing I've always had far better relations with them than I've had with my dad.  My sister in particular has been very good to me.  She's actually sent me some clothing, jewelry, etc.  I've had the strong impression that she's actually enjoyed my transition.  She never had a "sister" before, and I think she likes the idea of having one now.

In any case, whatever happens, I don't think I'll do anything without consulting the two of them.  No point in sacrificing two good relationships for the sake of one that never has been and never will be particularly good.

Quote from: Foxglove on July 03, 2014, 02:31:55 PM
I know what you're saying, and I kind of agree with you.  But I certainly don't want to alienate my brother and sister.  For one thing I've always had far better relations with them than I've had with my dad.  My sister in particular has been very good to me.  She's actually sent me some clothing, jewelry, etc.  I've had the strong impression that she's actually enjoyed my transition.  She never had a "sister" before, and I think she likes the idea of having one now.

In any case, whatever happens, I don't think I'll do anything without consulting the two of them.  No point in sacrificing two good relationships for the sake of one that never has been and never will be particularly good.

well, my situation was totally opposite to yours. I haven't talked to my siblings for 20 years . My father cared for me deeply so our situation is quite different

Are you worried about loosing his love or just simply offending him? By the sound of it, it would be hard to loose something you never really had.... Since you are fairly confident you will not meet again, I would just tell him. I think you would feel bad for some time because it is a big deal, but after a while you feel really good about it. I will not post my thoughts on the Baptist church because I don't want to offend anyone....

I know this sounds rude but what is he going to do? Tell you not to do it?

Quote from: typo on July 03, 2014, 02:51:26 PM
Are you worried about loosing his love or just simply offending him?

What I'd be worried about (and this is what my brother and sister are worried about) is that it could upset him enough to actually damage his health.  That might sound a bit exaggerated, but there are things to be considered.  Ever since he was about 60, he has had very serious health problems on occasion.  As he once put it, "I had three chances to die."  His last serious problem was a few years back when he had a quadruple bypass operation.

He's always got niggling problems, some of them bigger than others--e.g., blood pressure.  Finally, like me and my sister, he quite often has problems sleeping.  It doesn't take much to give him a bad night.  So although he's in good shape all in all, especially for someone who's 86, it wouldn't take much for him to develop serious problems.

And what do I want out of this?  I simply want to end the charade.  I find it ridiculous at this point to be sending him e-mails, pretending that I'm the same as I've always been.  The question is, is what I want enough to put his health at risk?  I can't honestly see that it is.  I think I just have to put up with the situation.

And if we never see each other again, a pity, but I didn't create the situation myself.

it seems the amount of estrangement that exist between you two would of all ready caused health problems . maybe being honest would help him understand your estrangement and break some ground. There is always that chance that he's seeing his days as finite and be happy to leave on a happier note. although you know your situation a lot better.

Quote from: stephaniec on July 03, 2014, 03:45:55 PM
maybe being honest would help him understand your estrangement and break some ground. There is always that chance that he's seeing his days as finite and be happy to leave on a happier note.

I'd certainly like things to be on a happier note.  But it's hard to see him being very accepting.  He's been set in his ways since forever, and it's hard to see why that would change now.  I find it a stupid situation, but it's not one of my making.

Quote from: Foxglove on July 03, 2014, 04:02:25 PM
I'd certainly like things to be on a happier note.  But it's hard to see him being very accepting.  He's been set in his ways since forever, and it's hard to see why that would change now.  I find it a stupid situation, but it's not one of my making.

I'm just suggesting things that may or may not help I don't really know what's right . The one thing that might work if your brother and sister could understand the finitude of this last chance and if they were willing to all come  together as a family and lay the ground work for possible easing softly into a family reckoning with your father so you can be free to open up.

Given the usual disclaimers about me not being you, the internet being an imperfect communication medium and so on.

If it were me in your situation I would have done exactly the same thing as you. It is a lot less than perfect but it sounds like the best balance between desirable and attainable that you are likely to get.  You have my admiration (for what it's worth) for putting your needs to one side to maintain some family unity, it doesn't sound like that has been an easy thing to do.

Rosie

@ Honeypot (Rosie):  Thanks for your understanding.  This has in fact been very difficult for me.  I'm a rather impatient, impetuous sort of person.  I do like to get my way, and I find it hard when I'm being balked.  This situation has been bothering me from the very beginning, and it's only got harder with time, and so I have found it very difficult to set aside my natural feelings and inclinations.

Quote from: stephaniec on July 03, 2014, 04:16:54 PM
I'm just suggesting things that may or may not help I don't really know what's right . The one thing that might work if your brother and sister could understand the finitude of this last chance and if they were willing to all come  together as a family and lay the ground work for possible easing softly into a family reckoning with your father so you can be free to open up.

I have to say, Stephanie, that you've been very good on this thread and I'm grateful to you.  You have been gently prodding me--and I mean exactly that, "gently prodding", as opposed to "pushing" me.  I entitled this thread "Insoluble Problem" because that's the way I've always seen it.  But you have been giving me some things to think about, and I'm beginning to see a glimmer of light.

You've convinced me at any rate that I need to take this problem to my brother and sister, let them discuss it, probably including their spouses in their deliberations.  I'm not sure they're fully aware of the scope of the problem.  How they'll react is hard to say: I've long had the feeling that my sister, whatever about my brother, doesn't like rocking the boat, and she'd definitely see this as flagrant "boat-rocking".

But here's one scenario I'm considering: suppose my dad got ill and it became clear that he had only two or three months left.  And suppose he told me that he wanted to see me and my son one last time.  What would I do?  Say, "Sorry, Dad, we can't make it"?

The fact is that he's cut off from me now.  He doesn't know that, but he is.  I don't send him many e-mails any more (and I don't sign them when I do), we don't talk to each other any more, we're looking at the real possibility that we won't see each other again.  And suppose I were to give him a choice: "You can see me as I am or not at all. It's up to you."  He's not being given that choice now.  Should he have it?

He is such a frustrating man.  He can be so incredibly difficult to deal with.  And yet at times. . .

One time when I was at their house (while my mother was still alive), it wasn't terribly late, but it was dark outside.  We were just sitting around the house and we heard a child scream outside.  At first we ignored it because, you know how it is, often enough kids start screaming for no real reason.  But then we heard another scream, and this time we realized that it was a child who was genuinely frightened about something.

So we went out, and it turned out to be no big deal: a little girl, perhaps 6 or 7, who'd got lost in the dark and couldn't find her way home.  So we brought her in, sat her down, started asking her questions to see if we could help her find her house, and in a short time we had her safely back home.

If you could have seen my dad dealing with her, you'd have thought he was the gentlest, kindest, most tender-hearted man who ever lived.  Yet when we were kids, we didn't see any of that from him.  As I said, he was one who didn't believe in sparing the rod, and he could be absolutely ferocious at times.  We were terrified of him.

And 60 years on, nothing has been resolved.  I think it would be really nice if we could come to some sort of understanding while there's still time.  It's long been clear to me that my dad has had issues from his early to days to deal with and that he never wanted to deal with them.  He repressed his issues just like a lot transpeople do, and his anger and frustration, etc., ultimately spring from his repressed needs and feelings.  It would have been better for him if he could have recognized that.