Hi all,
I am an Older MTF Transgender with a very loving girlfriend of 20 years. After hitting a wall with depression due to gender dysphoria, I sought out a therapist and have been going for almost four months. I have totally come out to my girlfriend and she is doing her best to be understanding. This said however she is stuck on "The Box" meaning my body. She doesn't feel I should get HRT or eventually SRS. Quote, "Be anyone you want to be but don't change the box"

As I am not a crossdresser, this would be pretty tough. Transitioning includes HRT and eventually SRS. IE: "Changing the box" She truly is doing her best to understand, but there some major walls to get over. Mind you this is not angry conversation but we are trying to see eye to eye.

I am seeing a gender therapist at the local LGBT center, and also attending a transgender group. Yesterday she ask me about my gender dysphoria diagnosis and expressed concern that perhaps this is a misdiagnosis on the part of the LGBT center and my Gender Therapist, due to the fact that they are biased. (Her words) Like it was some sort of cult or something. Mind you, we are both very educated and intelligent, nor are we prejudice towards the LGBT community in any way... (Well so I thought.) Frankly I was baffled and shocked at the statement. She also claims she knew all along I was transgender.

So needless to say I am at a loss here and would like some input as to try to comprehend this. She refuses to go to any therapy for herself or for that matter any Group for SO's of transgenders saying she doesn't need to go and she dislikes those kind of things. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
Veronica

PS: I am moving forward with this no mater what. I refuse to go back to that state of mind that almost killed me.

Guess question i might have is.

Is the box a society box and one size has to fit all or

Is it time for the box to be upgraded to something that make you happy?

We can always live our life for others. Ha they are happy so........

Not much help i guess, what i think i am trying to say is when is your happiness number 1 and if that is in a new box then?

Isabell

Quote from: mind is quiet now on June 17, 2014, 09:16:55 PM
Guess question i might have is.

Is the box a society box and one size has to fit all or

Is it time for the box to be upgraded to something that make you happy?

We can always live our life for others. Ha they are happy so........

Not much help i guess, what i think i am trying to say is when is your happiness number 1 and if that is in a new box then?

Isabell

That is the kicker Isabell... When it got to a point I was considering possible suicide I knew at that point something had to change, and is changing for the better. Therapy is going well, and I am going into this eye wide open, and know the losses could or will be great. I guess I am more looking for how other S.O's feel about that statement, and perhaps have a suggestion as to how I should approach this. We are making a major attempt to logically work out our differences and are getting through it pretty good. This is most likely an problem that will work itself out, but if it does not I want to make sure I in the least exhausted all resources in the process.

I don't want my husband to change the box either. It's the box that I know him in; I fell in love with a cute man with a great personality. I'm afraid that I won't be attracted to him once the box changes, because so much already has.

It's a very tough situation. This tends to be something that no one can see coming and when it finally comes to this point it does blind side an SO. I can see how she could be grasping at straws trying to keep the life she's accustomed to. She's going to need some time to really wrap her brain around the situation and understand what it all entails. And there very well may be a grieving period surrounding the loss of the future she envisioned. You both need to be really open and honest with each other. She's entitled to her feelings just like you are, but asking you not to "change the box" is asking a lot. It is a partnership so hear her out and try to ease her concerns. There might have to be a little give and take, but ultimately you are both going to have to decide on a place where you will both be able to live happily. I think it would definitely help her to see a counselor herself. My wife sees her gender therapist and I see a different one that also has experience in these areas so that I can talk to someone who understands what she is going through and can help me deal with it too. She definitely needs to find a support system, talking to someone who understands can make all the difference.

Good luck to both of you!

Does she attend any sort of support groups or get therapy of her own?
Issues with "the box" instead, it may be helpful for her to find solace in other partners and give her a better understanding of gender dysphoria.

I think many family members and partners get hung up on the fact that there is a disorder in the DSM tied to gender identity which I know I find frustrating. It's interesting that it's the only 'mental illness' that can be treated with a very specific drug regimen and surgery. Can't quite say that for any other mental illness. Is that the label she is getting hung up on? It seems interesting that she disagrees with their diagnosis but then also says she knew  you were transgender all along...?

Being unhappy about who you are and wanting to change that is admirable. It can also be a long, difficult and oft times confusing challenge I found since I had no real idea what that 'Who" really was or is. After 6 years I am only now getting a good clue.

To me "Transition" is simply changing.  Something I refused to do for almost 40 years. I stuffed myself into "The Box". Now I am breaking out of it. I never saw myself as fully transitioning as in full-time, HRT, even GRS. OK, not since my 20's I had. When I started this process 6 years ago I still didn't. I just knew my life wasn't working and much of it came down to how I was NOT handling being trans.

Now, If you are set in your thinking that HRT, full-time living, and GRS is the way you need to go then there is little hope for the relationship. Ultimately, only you can say what is right for you. I took baby steps. I only wanted to 'fix' my life, not change it. My TG support group, a few angels I met there, some therapy and HRT has helped to fix me. Yes, the box has changed. My wife is slowly getting used to the breasts. She is profoundly impressed by all the positive changes in my spirit and as a person that has been taking place.  She is also slowly debating and seeing a possible future with me living, at least part or my life, as a woman. Something I never saw or thought about myself 6 years ago when I dropped the T-Bomb on her. If I told her then what is happening today, we would not be together.

alright here's my $2.00's worth. I start out by saying I've never have and never will been in this situation. It's really a tragedy . I feel sorry for both parties. The truth of the matter from my perspective that none of this is her fault. whether or not she can except this situation is her  right to accept or reject the marriage . whether or not you knew your condition from the start only you know. I knew from age 4 and its a major reason I was never able to form a loving relationship with anyone. I wish I had for I am older too and time is not on my side. I know people will disagree , but I always thought love could surmount any obstacle .So many people have posted on Susan's the exact same problem. Only you can answer the main problem. What's more important to you your love for your wife  or the resolution of your conflict. It's possible she'll accept you, it seems that it does happen ,but as others with more experience have said it mostly doesn't happen. I just hope you can understand it's in no way her fault no matter how she sees her own future. sorry, it's just my opinion .