I have decided to take hormones, but in 2 years when I've left school.
But everyday I go through anger and sadness and hopelessness that I am not the male on the outside. It is mentally draining and driving me crazy. It is everyday and the majority of the day, and I don't think I can go on like this.
So how can I stop feeling like this, I don't want this for the next 2 years.

Please consider seeing a therapist experienced in working with trans people. They will be able to help you with this there are even therapists online and may be affordable. My advice is to start HRT anyways even start dressing in male clothing. Those are huge and difficult steps for a trans person to make but believe me they are worth all the drama with others. You need to live as your authentic self if you don't it will continue to eat at your soul. Sometimes we just have to let go of our past and the negative people in it and create change. That is what Transition is.  if you are worried about being ridiculed by schoolmates and your family simply wearing male undegarments might make you feel better. 

I wasn't able to stop obsessing about it. I stopped obsessing about T after I finally started it. I stopped obsessing about top surgery once I had the surgery. Now I do obsess about the bottom stuff, but at least I can function quite well in spite of it.

Scotty, have you spoken to your parents about your feelings at all? If not, and you're afraid they'll take it badly, have you told them you're not feeling great mentally? And have you told any IRL friends?
If nothing else, as riotgrrl has suggested, try going to therapy. Being able to talk to someone in a comfortable, safe space was what pulled me out of my own head last year and probably saved my life last spring when I was away from home. I know two years seems like forever, especially in high school. But I'm sure you can make it through it if you have a support network set up for yourself.
Remember that everyone here is here for you, too, but having real life support is usually superior to online support, especially if you're a touchy person (like me lol).
You've gone years without T. I know you can do two more!

My mum kind of guessed and seems ok with it, but I think she thinks it's just a phase. I think I might try and find a therapist, if only because they're necessary for hormones lol. I don't know if it'll help any, I've never been one to talk about problems. I can always dream of my life in two years, it'll keep me sane lol

Quote from: ScottyMac on July 05, 2014, 04:50:45 PM
My mum kind of guessed and seems ok with it, but I think she thinks it's just a phase. I think I might try and find a therapist, if only because they're necessary for hormones lol. I don't know if it'll help any, I've never been one to talk about problems. I can always dream of my life in two years, it'll keep me sane lol

Many places do informed consent for hormones. So you don't really need therapy unless you need it for something besides the letters..

You could get a part time job and start saving for top surgery. That way you were being active towards your goals and would have the money on hand right away when you were able to use it eventually. Even if you only save a little each month, you could make real progress, since it will be awhile until you could do it.

If you don't mind me asking, are you waiting for yourself or outside reasons (ex parents)?

As for myself, I try to take little steps as often as possible, like changing the way I dress, referring to myself as a guy in my thoughts (till now I was sort of genderless in my mind), telling friends I'm trans, asking family/friends to refer to me as a guy, thinking of guy names for myself, coming to this site, looking up legal/insurance info about trans, preparing docs for my gender therapist (it takes a few sessions over a few months to get T where I live). Just feeling like I'm moving towards my goal makes me feel a hundred times better than thinking about me not reaching my goal right now(!).

Guys here mentioned saving for top surgery, I think that's a fantastic suggestion! You don't want money to stop you when you're ready to take action.

Dude I was like you, the first thing you gotta do is get out more dress how you want and make friends that accept you here, A big problem I see in the trans community is social aniexty or dysphoria, You gotta get out dress as who you know you are, start using male body washes, deodorants Start using colognes, right know I use ushers cologne, smells nice. And just start doing you I mean I guess its easier for me to say because I'm an outgoing person, And most girls tend to find me attractive and the people I'm around are completely acceptng they don't even care. You just have to let peopl get a chance to know the real you then tell them sam with girls. Trust me it works to have people see you as anything but male. And dude I keep telling you your bodies not that different from a bio males hence why its possible to make physical changes.

can you set yourself some goals so you feel like you are making progress? And I think Brandon also gives some good advice. It's hard but if you can take steps to be who you want to be around others, even if you aren't on T, it can help. There's some amazingly accepting people out there.

Quote from: Brandon on July 05, 2014, 09:38:13 PM
A big problem I see in the trans community is social aniexty or dysphoria,

Social anxiety =/= dysphoria. 

Quote from: Brandon on July 05, 2014, 09:38:13 PM
And dude I keep telling you your bodies not that different from a bio males hence why its possible to make physical changes.

It may help you to think that way, but not all will be helped by that line of thinking. 

Quote from: aross1015 on July 05, 2014, 11:11:54 PM
Social anxiety =/= dysphoria. 

It may help you to think that way, but not all will be helped by that line of thinking.

Well again I was exactly like him at one point, I've already told him this in his very first post.