So I am 31 and still have not been able to start transitioning. I have slowly told a few people close to me how I feel, I just can't seem to get over the edge and make it happen. I am scared.

The past week or so, I have been increasingly depressed, not much of an appetite, super emotional, crying for no good reason, crying myself to sleep......

I really hate asking for help, but I think I may need some help right now. I feel like I am spiraling out of control.

Hiya  I know exactly where you're at and what it feels like.

Probably like me you're waiting for something or someone to push you over the edge, rather than willingly going for it. Probably waiting for the perfect opportunity or the magical day where you wake up and you're not afraid anymore.

I don't think it exists, unfortunately  You just have to try your best to make that leap come as soon as possible. I think we all get caught up in this stage and the time we spend in it varies from person to person (I'm a long term member of "this stage" unfortunately and it sucks, so while it's easy for me to tell you to be brave I have to admit I'm just as terrified of making the jump).

It's a fear of the unknown and it happens with a lot of things in life. Coming to terms with being transgender takes a lot of thinking and introspection, but resolving the unhappiness only comes from action. Ultimately you owe it to yourself to do what feels right and will make you happy. I'm starting to suspect that once you're "out there" the fear doesn't seem like such a big horrible monster anymore.

<throws life vest> 

I feel for you Jade as I was there once before in my life. I felt the exact same as you do now and it got a lot worse. Then one day I decided to end the suffering or end me. I made preparations to end me and while typing good bye letters and getting ready to send them via E-mail something happened I can't understand to this day. My computer switched to Explorer and in the search page this place appeared. I didn't even enter any search parameters at all. I believe everything happens for some reason so I clicked and started reading random stuff. It was then I learned about gender Dysphoria and the more I read, the more made sense. I released 40 years of emotion and joined that very night. I was welcomed by Cindy, Sephirah, LordKAT and quite a few others. Everything just clicked at that point and all the fear of who and what I was faded completely. After I signed off I had the best sleep I have ever had and woke refreshed and alive. I was in Therapy before the week ended and full time around 3 months later. Now I am past 6 months on HRT and planning SRS with Dr. Bowers.

Why the big long story? Quite simply to let you know transition is doable and can make all the difference in your quality of life. Is it scary? Of course it is, but the further you get the better you feel and the more the fear fades. I was petrified coming from one of the most Alpha Dog career's on the planet, but once I broke the mindset that I was no less of a person for transitioning the better I felt about myself. It was a case of building it up so big in my mind it stalled me out. The hardest step I have had to take in the road to transition was accepting it and telling a Therapist my biggest secret that no one else had a clue about. I delayed transition for 40 years and I regret that now, but have made peace with it. Once it was out there the sense of relief I experienced was overwhelming. Please find a good Therapist and don't cheat yourself out of any extra years of sheer happiness. If they suggest transition dedicate yourself to it without doubt or fear and see just how good life can be. There will be bad periods with unaccepting family and friends, but that is on them, not you. Transition opens up some new problems for us all, but when your body is not fighting itself every single day you will handle them much better. I hope this rambling helps you some. 

Quote from: JadeFla on July 06, 2014, 02:04:49 PM
So I am 31 and still have not been able to start transitioning. I have slowly told a few people close to me how I feel, I just can't seem to get over the edge and make it happen. I am scared.

The past week or so, I have been increasingly depressed, not much of an appetite, super emotional, crying for no good reason, crying myself to sleep......

I really hate asking for help, but I think I may need some help right now. I feel like I am spiraling out of control.

Don't ever hate asking for help. We all need help at one time or another in our lives.

God. I wish I could be 31 again or 31 or 18, ya' get the point.

Spiraling out of control is like a whirlpool and will suck you deeper into the abyss. I in no way can add any better advice than what Jessica did so... She is definately worth listening too.

Don't get a big attitude now Jessica. But I just can't add to it.

Thanks. I am feeling a little better today than I have felt the past couple of days. I feel like I am surrounded by a cloud negativity right now...

This is something I've known about myself forever. I used to pray that I would wake up with girl parts when I was very young...I never was one of the boys...and I have been spending a lot of time looking within and trying to decide what is best for me. I have researched this so much over the past 20 years or so, I know how I feel deep down.

I have been lying to myself and tried to live as a 'normal' guy. I can not do that anymore. I just want to be me.

Hi Jade,

I know how you feel. The whole process of transition is scary to me. Speaking to a good therapist made a big difference and took a load off my shoulders. Feelings like this can't be bottled up or you'll end up in a vicious cycle of depression, anxiety and all the other things that come with it. I'm 38 and have just started the process, so 31 is young in my books. I've got my estrogen patches right in front of me and I'm excited but also scared of slapping on my first one!

Alena x

I knew my parents would accept it eventually, but would probably struggle with it. It was still hard as hell to tell them, but I did and just knowing I'm not alone anymore made a huge difference. It was much easier to tell one of my sisters, who I also knew would accept. I don't know if its was because she was second or because I thought she would be more accepting of it, but it wasn't anywhere near as difficult to tell her.

I will say my parents were more accepting of it because they are nearing the end of their lives and didn't want anger to be the last thing they carried with them. I don't know if I could have lived with myself keeping it from them though. I would have felt I lied to them about myself and would have had deep regret over that by not showing them the true me. 

I'm not sure what happened with mine. I was talking to them over the weekend and they said they think my oldest sister needed and still needs counseling. However when she lived with us, they believed Christians can't go see counselors because God will fix it and believing otherwise is selfish. I've been told my entire adolescent life that this is evil, that's evil, etc... Now my parents are super open minded. They are not the same people I grew up with. I'm not sure what happened, but I'm glad it did.

Quote from: awilliams1701 on July 06, 2014, 04:39:58 PM
I'm not sure what happened, but I'm glad it did.

Sounds to me that life experience showed them the hypocrisy that can thrive in the world. Mine were the same way being super religious, but after reading about some of the people here who just want to live and are not evil abominations they changed. Funny how a few years makes all the difference. 

At least I am beyond the point of worrying about my parents accepting or rejecting me, honestly I do not think they will be surprised when I show up dressed a little differently. I have ex-girlfriends who already consider me 'one of the girl' despite never disclosing this side of me to them.

I even self medicated for a few months about 5 years ago...then I got scared and had some other issues that forced me to stop.

So as I reflect on myself, it is so obvious that I have been running from myself and missing out on life. It is also obvious now that I need some professional help...I am very tempted to self medicate again.

So I think my girlfriend is getting more comfortable with everything. She didn't even know I was bi until after almost a month or so of dating, I live in a small town and just assumed she knew even though in the back of my mind I had my doubts and regrets about not being straight forward from day 1. I do play the role of a charming handsome man well, sometimes I wonder if I should take up acting....

We had a little talk this morning after she watched a facebook/youtube video with a mom talking about her 6yo trans daughter and the misconceptions and bigotry that is out there. She asked my how I felt when I was that age......

She's a bit of a tomboy and used to be mistaken as a boy when she was younger so she can relate much better than most. It is so nice to have someone I can talk to and trust.

I got outed by a teenager in the neighborhood. I've been wearing denim skirts in public the last couple of days. He made fun of me and recorded me on his phone. I decided it would be best to just do it and get it over with so I came out on Facebook. At first it seemed odd that the adults are dealing with it better than the teenagers, but then I realized it was just one teenager. His friends were more than happy to leave me alone. Its scary, but its not as bad as I thought. I still have work and 2 more sisters.