Sexually and romantically, I'm interested in women. As a thing in and of itself it's not a problem at all and I'm not ashamed of that at all. But the way my progression on the subject has been has made me very ashamed.
Even before I really identified as trans and started to look for hrt and other treatment to correct my physical sex, I thought I was an asexual, and in that body and mind I was. I was never interested in either romantic or sexual relationships (except kinky ones, but that's a different story), but still there was this nagging thing. I didn't know why, but I've always identified a hell of a lot with the lesbian community. I found that I find the complete cultural aesthetic very appealing and I even listen to a lot of music by lesbian bands and artists, even though most of the time I've been listening to them for quite a while before I find out that that's what they are. I've also felt that even back when I considered myself asexual, the little sexuality I had within me was very female. And as I said, this was even before I really woke up to the fact that I was trans.
This made me feel incredibly guilty, because I assumed that this meant that I was one of those gross guys who just think it's hot when girls do it with each other. This was even though I could rationalize that it's probably quite a bit different if I feel like I want to be one of the girls doing it instead of leering at the situation and I have zero interest in leering at anybody anywhere. However, it has not helped with my guilt about it and I still feel like a creepy gross guy even after I've started my transition.
I've spent a lot of time watching and reading quite a lot of lesbian fiction, not by any means to find arousal, but because I can identify with the characters so damn much and I yearn to experience what they're experiencing. It's freaky how much I can identify with them even though I've unfortunately grown in a male body and I've woken to both my true trans identity and sexual orientation rather late. This wakeup has obviously strengthened my identification with them many times over.
But even though I identify as female these days and my sexual desires have emerged with that, I'm still left feeling really guilty about it. It feels like I'm not allowed to feel this identifying, not allowed to be drawn by the culture and not allowed to feel attracted towards queer women. It doesn't help that I've often encountered open hostility from the lesbian community towards trans people in general and translesbians in particular. It makes me feel that I'm drawn somewhere where I'm fundamentally unwelcome and I'll always be the creepy gross guy even if I hopefully pass.
Now, just to clarify, I'm not even planning on entering the lesbian community even after I pass because why would I want to go somewhere where the transphobic bigots seem to be numerous and quite influential. But this attitude and seeing it has made me feel like I should be ashamed of being some kind of a lesbian to begin with. And as someone who identifies as female, is transitioning and is attracted to women, I don't think there's many other labels that fit.
So I'm torn, and I still feel guilty. It's not nice.
