Hello to a good group here.  Without telling an entire life's story, here are some introduction points.  I first noticed my feminine side when at a summer camp for boys, at a camp play at age 12, one female role was required.  So they chose me, and I didn't object...it felt kind of nice to be dressed up in full makeup and dress etc.  Lots of snickers and laughs, but I was okay with it. Age 14 and age 15 I sneakily sometimes tried on my aunt's bras when I visited her house.  At a boarding school age 16 I had about 4 or 5 occasions in bed with a male classmate, although he seemed to enjoy it more strongly than I did, but it was okay.  Age 19 I got the nerve to go into a dept. store and buy some bras, and tried them on in private...I kept them about 6 months, then threw the bras away.  I mostly hid my feminine side from age 20 to age 53.  Concentrated on work and studies mostly.  Age about 47 I moved to Latin America, gradually learned excellent Spanish, married a Latin girl...we separated after a year and a half mostly disagreements about money, but I now have a beautiful blonde daughter age 6 who I have raised in my house 2 or 3 days a week for 5 years...her mother raises her on the other days. I have trained my daughter to be a fluent native speaker of English even though we live in Latin America. And she is fluent in Spanish, too.  I am a teacher and businessperson; I have an MBA.  I have been occasionally going out in public in push-up bras now since last year.  For about 4 months I have had my toenails painted bright red most of the time.  At the pool I wear diver's boots to hide them, but I have gone to the beach a few times now with my toenails painted bright red very openly, and my fingernails painted purple/pink.  Mostly in public I am still in male mode, but sometimes I put on just a tad of blush and eyeshadow before going out as a male.  At home I frequently wear a dress and bra and nighty.  I haven't worn male underwear in more than 5 months as I only wear female underwear now.  In the Latin country I live in, one can obtain strong pharmaceuticals totally openly without necessarily needing a prescription.  They are the real deal, from reputable large international companies and domestic companies from where I live.  I note that the rules here say I cannot list doseages, so I will respect those rules.  I do NOT yet want to take anti-androgens...I want to try this with a strong estrogen and micronized progesterone and see if I continue to get the results I am seeking.  So far, after 3 weeks of once a day (at bedtime) of these hormones...my nipples started staying constantly "at attention" after just 3 DAYS which was kind of amazing.  My nipples now, after 3 weeks, poke out from my shirt if I hold my shirt tightly against my chest.  I think I am rounder in my chest area now, just a bit.  I know this isn't supposed to happen in 1 day, but I am happy with the results so far.  Emotionally I feel TRANQUILITY.  This is the biggest change I notice in how I feel.  I feel a certain calm...that even with some occasional tough situations to deal with at work, or with my ex- about the raising of our daughter, and so on, I feel a certain CALM that I didn't have a month ago.  The progesterone seems to make me a little sleepy, so I only take it at bedtime.  My current girlfriend is quite supportive in what I am doing.  My male "functionality" is significantly less compared with a month ago, but, hey, no complaints...it is still available but not very strong is what I find, and the incessant male "need", below, is much less intense compared with 3 weeks ago.  I am not hiding anything about it from her.  There are plenty of ways to super-satisfy a genetic female that don't involve the 'traditional" way of doing intimate things.  Her pleasure is much more important than mine, in any case, and this I feel SUPER strongly.  I think she likes how calm these hormones are making me, and that I can appreciate a female's feelings much better now.  I find myself more sttracted to males now, but I haven't acted on this in the real world yet.  I feel like a mixture of a very feminine male, or a "developing" girl...including when I am talking with my current genetic girlfriend.  She is a 32B, and I hope that someday I might reach this, too (although because of my chest size, it would be 38B for me).  But 38A will be fine, too, and 38A would allow me more easily for work to be a male when I want to, or need to.  My 6 year old daughter knows about the woman's underwear and the painted toenails, but not about the bras or dresses.  My girlfriend knows about all of these things as I feel honesty is the best way to go.  I don't know if I will decide to continue these hormones "forever" but I think a minimum of 3 months of taking them should continue to produce results that I like about how I feel emotionally and developing breasts.  At this time, I DEFINITELY and strongly want to continue to take the hormones.  What a great community to share with!  Johanna/John

Hi JohannaJohn 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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V M

Now THAT was a fast reply VM...I think I will like it here.

Hi JJ, welcome to Susan's
Good to know that your hormones are of good quality, nonetheless, you should see a doctor at some point (soon). Endocrinology doesn't lend itself well to the do-it-yourself approach. Periodic blood work should be done, not just to monitor hormone levels, but also to detect possible negative effects on your liver and kidneys. Not trying to scare you, hon, just want you to be very aware of the risks. Also, you might find that talking with a therapist who has experience with trans* issues would be of great benefit.
That being said, enjoy the journey, sister

Thanks, ellie!  I will consider what you said.

While it is true I don't feel what might be called "total gender dysphobia," I feel really nice that my feminine side is much stronger emerging.

I suppose that for work reasons I have to be careful.  Probably my family in the USA would accept me if I went "all the way full time."  Maybe not all of them, but at least important ones such as my sister.  One of my female cousins in the USA came out as lesbian some years ago, and mostly my family accepted her still.

I am happy that my girlfriend here in the Latin country I live in seems quite accepting of my taking hormones.

My 6 year old daughter seems to get a kick out of the fact that we sometimes paint our toenails together.  She teases me a little about wearing "girls underwear" and says "you are a mommy."

My answer to my 6 year old daughter is, "Yes, in many ways I am a mommy because when you are with me 2 or 3 nights a week in our house, I do everything that your mommy does for you in HER house the rest of the time, because I cook for you, wash the dishes, wash and hang up your clothes, but I also do things that daddies do, like work a lot so we have enough money."

The Latin country I live in is VERY "machista" with most men here feeling that "kids and cooking and laundry and cleaning are girls and women's work."
My daughter sees NO other genetic men doing what I do in terms of "girl's stuff around the house" -- not in THIS Latin country, anyway.

Your points about liver damage are well taken.  I have read a lot about this.  In part, for this reasonl I am only using micronized progesterone under my tongue for about 90% of it, and estradiol valerate under my tongue for 80% to 90% of it to avoid having to go through my digestive system.  These seem to me to be the "purest" forms of the hormones, with the lowest risk...although I am not an MD of course.  Thank you for your kind words.

I have no dreams about becoming a "hot female model" at my age, obviously...but I sure am starting to understand how genetic women feel in a firsthand way...

Not having the such "incessant" need for sex that testosterone brings is a new experience for me also...a change for the better, I feel.  But stil available from time to time, but primarily attention to the needs and feelings of my girlfriend.

I still find, after 3 weeks on hormones, attraction to the breasts of genetic girls, but then I also feel that I msyelf want to have those breasts!

I feel somewhat more attraction to males, but I haven'e acted on that in the real world yet...my last intimate experience with a male was about age 16.

All I can say is, this is VERY interesting and, to this point at least, I want to keep going.

Well, it does sound like you have given this some thought. Bueno!
Concerning the level of acceptance you will enjoy, I can't say much about that, given that I am not intimately familiar with the social norms in your region. What I can tell you, is that even here in Ontario, where the Premier (the leader of our provincial government) is openly gay, where World Pride Week was just held, where SRS is fully covered under the government's health care plan, in a country where same-sex marriage is legal, even here, there are still haters. So, yes, you have to be careful. That being said, I am happy to report that things here are much better than they used to be, we have rules against discrimination and, by and large, the general population is accepting.

I also have no illusions about magically morphing into Jenna Talackova, given that I am 60, but I will happily settle for matronly elegance. I don't see many 60 year old women in bikinis at the beach, least ways, many who wear them well While I regret my late start transitioning, I celebrate that I am on my way It's never too late. I recently heard a quote from an undercover policeman who, after a brilliant career, quit that work because, he said, "I got tired of not being myself." Me too.

Ellie, thanks again your comments.  I am glad you are realistic in your goals.  Yes, I am aware that Ontario is gay friendly and with lavish benefits for medical care which is great for you.  Sure, matronly respect is something you can go for.  You should be able to at least do THIS...maybe more!

I think I might be able to do better than only "matronly."  My current genetic girlfriend painted my toenails bright red the other day, after I had to remove the toenail polish for an employment-related medical exam and I had to still be "fully male" for this medical exam.

Haters are everywhere.  I say, live and let live.  I do find it an easier subject to discuss with genetic girls than with genetic men.  I am still a little embarrassed to talk about it with genetic men, but I have discussed what I am doing with various genetic girls.  They seem sympathetic.

3 and a half weeks in, and I ALREADY have a body odor change.  This is AMAZING to me.

In the hot Latin country where I have lived for years, body odor sweat in the heat has always been a significant problem for me.  Deodorant doesn't help much...the only solution I have had is taking 5 or 6 showers a day for several years now.

But now all this has changed!!! I am SO happy about this!  I expected possible body odor changes maybe several MONTHS into taking hormones.  I am truly astounded that this has occurred in only a little over 3 WEEKS.  No more ugly body odor.  Just slight body odor, and it smells MUCH different than a month ago before hormones.

I don't know if my breasts have grown...hard to tell...but they seem to be ROUNDER.

Best of all...I am SO happy about this...my nipples are ALWAYS erect, my nipples are DEFINTELY taller and bigger...

And, just in the last couple of days, I have noticed a distinct mound starting to form between my nipples and my areolas...

WOWWWWW!  I am SO happy!!!

I hope these "mounds" continue to grow over the next several weeks.

I am NOT yet shaving my chest hair as I did last year, because THIS time it would be a little embarrassing for me at the pool since I haven't fully "come out."

If I were to shave off my chest hairs right now, they would probably not fully grow back, and my nipples and small mound under my nipples would be VERY obvious at the pool.

Does anyone else have any comments about all this?

From reading your posts in this thread, it makes me smile at how excited you sound about the changes you're going through. I can't wait for the day I start testosterone, so I'm living vicariously.
I'd also like to add that I think it's awesome that your daughter is so young yet so accepting. I know there are people who don't think that children should be "exposed" to transitioning parents, but imo ignorance breeds ignorance. Your daughter is blessed, as far as I believe, to have this experience. It will make her that much more compassionate.

That GuySy, your comments are very thoughtful and nice.  You are new, here, too...I am observing this site attracts some compassionate folks, of all different persuasions and stages, both with YEARS of experience, newbies, and "vicarious" folks such as you.

I am blessed to have such a wonderful daughter.

I am 56, but would love to have another daughter as I prefer girls.  I might have to stop feminine hormones for a month or so, though, to make that a reality with the current genetic girlfriend.  She WANTS a child...and is only 26 years old so is VERY capable of producing a child.

In some parts of Latin America, people aren't so uptight about big age differences between couples as they are in many more developed countries.  It is quite frequent here to see substantial age differences in a couple, especially when the man is older and the woman younger.

Although, becoming at a minimum partly a woman, and maybe COMPLETELY a woman...well, that is so great, too....I am SO happy about all this!!!

I am having some recent positive developments in my work life, too...that are pending...

Welcome to the Forum Jahanna.

I am only on my 5th week and still no real noticeable changes. Still no breast buds for me. /pout...

Glad things are moving right along for you.

Luv Ginger...

Further, Cy, I simply feel that HONESTY is better.

I have a super intelligent, beautiful, 6 years old blond daughter.  She is beautiful enough to be child model RIGHT NOW, perhaps...and when she is a teenager nearly for sure she could be a model.  She tells me she WANTS to be a model...but she is also super intelligent...she is number one in her academic class at school in math, Spanish, and English.  I have taught her super well since she was a baby, she has an insatiable appetite for learning, loves to "play teacher and student" with me in Math and English and  Spanish.

I haven't told her yet about the bras or showed them to her, nor the dresses.  But I opened in the house have my toenails painted bright red super feminine around her.

She still calls me her daddy, but she calls me a mommy, too, sometimes. She is handling it great.

Hi Ginger...I feel SO happy for you...I think these hormones are strongly affecting me psychologically, as I seem to be able to fully FEEL things in a way I certainly couldn't a month ago.  How delightful!  Wow!  I am SO thankful!

Ginger...I have a question...are your nipples at least "standing at attention" always, or sometimes?  For ME, this started happening after only 3 DAYS on these feminine hormones!!!

Or, at the very least, are you nipples a little more sensitive?

The only thing I hope and think I see is they are getting puffier and more firm. As for 24/7 pointy no. I WISH... OMG!!!... you are so lucky..

My skin is softer and I again think and hope my tush is getting bigger in hope of fat redistribution from my tummy to my hips and butt. OH YA!!!


P.S. you say you moved to Latin America, but from where?
I am Canadian...

I moved from the USA, but I have been to many parts of Canada many times in my life.  Not the Maritimes, but every other province except NWT which I think got renamed to a Native name.  I even went to the Yukon once...on the way to Alaska.

Yeah, they are pointy nearly all the time...it is AMAZING...these hormones are VERY powerful...and psychologically, too.

I had an interesting experience today.

Last night I did NOT take my female hormones for the first time in over 3 weeks, not because I didn't want to, but I may need to take a medical exam related to employment later this week, and I was thinking that maybe I should go a couple of days without female hormones to reduce the quantity of female hormones in my blood in case in this employment-related medical exam asks for a blood test, and they "out" me based on high levels of estrogen and progesterone and this in some way jeopardizes my employment.  I may or may not have been correct to reason in this manner, but this was my reasoning.

But at mid-day today I felt REALLY anxious when I was doing some routine business errands that were delayed due to some mild incoimpetence on the part of some copy-center employees.  I felt high levels of frustration at the time delays.  I then thought to myself, I might feel more calm and normal again if I go ahead and take my customary daily amount of estradiol valerate and micronized progesterone.

So, about 1 pm at lunch hour at my house, I did just that.  Basically, I took the dose I should have taken at bedtime the night before.

Not in 10 SECONDS, but within about 10 minutes or maybe a total of 15 to 20 minutes, I felt MUCH better.  I felt normal again.

I felt calm and tranquil.  I felt like I can handle things in life, even difficult things, in a nice way and intuitively make the best choices.

Maybe I am developing very quickly the NEED to think like a female a heavy part of the time.

I felt lost in late morning after missing my estrogen and progesterone the night before.

If they need to take a bllood test during the employment exam -- which they probably won't -- but if they do, maybe it still won't cause me employment problems.

The progesterone and estrogen in my system right now I am confident is helping me to feel SO happy right now about all this.

These are VERY powerful hormones.  These are the "real deal" for absolute sure.

Although "intellectually" I came into this prepared for possible strong psychological changes, WOWOWOW to actually EXPERIENCE this first-hand is a WONDEROUS and marvelous experience.

I am SO positive and happy right now.  These hormones make me feel SO happy and calm and right.

I am NOT against being a male...but man oh man I feel SO much more calm, no more obnoxious body odor after just over 3 weeks, protruding nipplies, small mounds staring to be VERY obvious among the chest hairs I still haven't shaved off yet......

Tonight, looking in the mirror after I put of some eyeshadow and lipstick in the privacy of my house (my daughter is staying with her mother tongiht), along with some blush...

I even noticed some JIGGLE in my breasts...my friends here, I have to tell you, wow, was I surprised...it wasn't MUCH jiggle, but I noticed it...

I don't think I was just imagining it...I have even nipple and mound development now that I truly belive it was genuine.

I felt VERY happy putting on some nice lipstick tonight, because typing this and going to bed.

Eyeshadow is my favorite makeup, though.

Do any of you like eyeshadow as your favorite makeup?  Or do you prefer other things such as lipstick.  I like a tiny amount of lipstick when I go out in public as a male at the present time -- not very noticeable -- but I don't feel quite right unless I usually put of just a litlle of pink lipstick...

I am using soft purple eyeshadow...It is a nice color, and softens my eyes some.  I don't put much in public yet due to work etc., but I suppose if someone were to look very closely, they could see it.  I feel calm about this, if they happen to see it.

It is difficult to describe the extreme happiness I am feeling right now, as some great things are happening in these weeks in my work life.

I now am feeling, as I type this, a little watering in my eyes, of happiness.

A month ago before hormones, NEVER would this have happened.

Have any of you gals had these types of feelings.

i feel like I want to SHOUT TO THE WORLD how great I feel.

My gosh, I cannot believe how powerfully positive psychologically these hormones are making me feel.

I am astounded.  Do any of YOU other gals feel this way frequently, or at least especially early on in your hormones treatments?

I will now say HUGS to all you gals.  Before yesterday, I had NEVER said the world HUGS like this in public forum.

NOW I feel so natural and normal and great to say it.

Kisses to all, and hugs too...

Sorry if this sounds "sappy" or something...I feel I must talk about how I am FEELING right now...

I think my brain is becoming more female....how else can I explain these great things that are happening to me, right in the midst of an incredibly busy work schedule...

I FEEL SO BLESSED...THANK YOU GALS FOR ACCEPTING ME...

So Happy for you....
Yes I prefer eye shadow and eye liner, but for lipstick I prefer thick GLOSS. Especially sparkly gloss. oh my... I am a huge fan
of sparkly things to begin with...

Wow I can't say I feel euphoric (I think that is what you might be feeling) when I take my estrogen (estrace), but I have read that some do.

I had hoped I would, but sadly no.

Okay Ginger, thank you so much.  I will have to look into lip gloss, and learn more about it.  Google is so great, you can learn many things, so I will learn about it.

I am old enough to remember a world without the Internet and even computer use was much more "primitive" than nowadays.  It is hard to imagine a world without the Internet.  The world is a SO much better place, overall, because of the Internet.

Pre-Internet, it would have been VERY difficult to share experiences with so many others on the subject of becoming more female.

I used to have to program punch cards into the VAX computer. Took hundreds and thousands of cards to do such simple picture.

I do agree the internet is good, but for me many things are not.

But for online shopping I wouldn't have all the things I have now.

There are definitely a lot of great people here at Susan's. I'm still a noob, but coming out of my shell, nonetheless.
You stories of your daughter remind me of the book "She's Not There," by Jennifer Boylin (Boylan? Someone correct me if I'm wrong.)
She talks about how her transition affected her kids, and how they eventually took to calling her Maddy, rather than mommy or daddy.
Again, I want to say how happy I am for you that the hormones you're on are having such a profoundly positive effect. I can imagine how stressful it was stopping them for employment reasons, but glad that you noticed a difference so quickly once you resumed taking them.

Oh and another quick note, I'm slightly jealous of the acceptance of age differences among couples where you're living. My last relationship was with a woman only 9 years older than me, but we got a lot of crap for it (mostly people thinking I was her son.)

Thanks, Sy.  Regarding the age differences not getting anyone uptight here, sure, it is a nice advantage here, for couples.

Well, with kids it is indeed very interesting.  My ex (my daughter's mother) doesn't know about the hormones yet...so we will see what happens.  I just don't want any problems legally if my ex were ever to object to it regarding my ability to raise my daughter as a great mommy/daddy as I see it.  Because my daughter is number 1 for me.

My daughter kids me about my usually painted toenails, and my "girl's underwear."

Well, the employment-related stopping was just for half a day, but I was really surprised at the degree of anxiety I felt.  I didn't think it would be so strong.  It was like my body was "crying out" to receive more female hormones.

I don't object as such to being male, but I feel SO much more calm with the female hormones inside me, it just feels SO right.

And I haven't worn any male underwear for something like 4 or 5 months.  Only female underwear.

Today my nipples stood at attention most of the day.  And that is happening without any necessity to touch them.

Thank you Sy for the book reference.  Maybe I will look up that book.