First post! This might be bit of a lengthy post as well, so please bear with me. Being wordy has always been an unfortunate predisposition of mine.
Anyways, I find myself wondering if the presence of BPD in a transgender individual can make it that much more harder to come to the realization that one is in fact, transgender. I feel that it's possible that the difficulties that the BPD individual faces in constructing a steady self-identity upon the true self can bring a great amount of difficulty in coming to terms with the fact one's actual gender identity is in-congruent with the body. When paired with the peer pressures to conform amongst one's sex gender, it's likely to further prevent one from an building a clear and accurate self-image of one's self to find out if such suspicions are true. I feel that the comorbidity of BPD with GID (I'm sure it can happen) can entangle with each other that can leave one in total confusion as to who they really are, adding many tiring miles to the journey of self-discovery and achieving happiness.
A few weeks ago I came to the realization that I'm more than likely to be MTF transgender myself. I relate to many of the narratives I've read, and with many hours of introspection and the analysis of my past behaviors and feelings, I really feel like I've unraveled the truth about my true self. My self-diagnosed BPD is something that brings great concern to me though, as it makes me wonder if I'm just fooling myself, especially after the relief of having reached a momentous milestone in my path to overall happiness and accepting myself. I guess it'll be best if I first elaborate on the reasons that lead me to believe I'm transgender.
In childhood I never questioned my gender much. Can't say I really felt like a boy, I did my best to be one, though figuring that since I was a boy I had to act like one. I had friendships with both genders, though the memories of my female friends have always been more prevalent. There are many less fond memories of being ostracized by the boys for my open, gentle and caring nature. It didn't help much that my natural reaction to such criticism was to just cry, I was never able to handle it too well or properly stand up for myself to prevent such treatment. Never got into many of the masculine-oriented activities such as rough and tumble play, or any sort of sport. I played with boy and girl toys growing up, never having a preference for either as long it was something that would allow me to express my imagination.
If I have BPD, I probably developed it from the implications of my parent's divorce at 8, where I spent a ridiculous amount of time at the daycare after school and summertime, and often the babysitters on the weekends. The abandonment probably brought it on more than anything else. Some of the symptoms of BPD I have experienced is my penchant for impulsiveness, unstable self-image, feelings of emptiness, mood swings, transient paranoia and dissociation. Whereas when I was 9, I began to desire a deep longing to be a girl, wishing to wake up as one while developing an all encompassing interest in gender-swap scenarios throughout books and TV. I can't say I felt like one inside. Though by then I had already begun to despise what my inner-nature had brought upon me from others, and had tried to ignore them best I could.
Upon adolescence my desire to be a girl took on a sexual aspect. Though I was attracted to females, it was never a sexual attraction and I was never sure if I wanted to be with them, or 'be' them, the latter was often more prominent. Other than that I'm more or less asexual. As much as I found myself relating less to males as I aged, I tried my best to fit in with them while repressing my natural mannerisms and reactions. I never felt as authentic like them, and that fact brought on great anxiety in their presence, I certainly felt as if I had a defect somewhere. Mild depression eventually set in and never went away since then. Eventually the pressure to fit in became too much and I shut down emotionally and became withdrawn. I hung out with friends irregularly, opting to chat online where I could express myself more openly. My empathetic side often led me to enjoying helping others with interpersonal problems and straighten out their own problems.
From my teenage years to now (22), the desires to feminize myself and feel more like a woman have slowly been intensifying, feelings entirely independent of any sexual aspect. Embracing them had always brought me comfort though without a steady sense of identity, it only served to mystify me most of the time. I had long hair since freshman year of high school, the thoughts of having it cut off or going bald just makes me feel all anxious. I'm overly concerned with appearance and hygiene and am clean shaven even on my days off, no plans on ever having a beard.
During my journey in the hunt for that ever evasive sense of well-being, I'd begun to practice mindfulness meditation in hopes that I could finally learn to be happy with myself. After a few months of practicing meditation, my BPD symptoms experienced an immense reduction in strength, to where I noticed a sense of identity starting to manifest, from what I learned, it didn't resemble that of a male. I quickly became aware that many aspects of my personality were feminine in nature, along with how easily I identified with the opposite gender. Soon enough, my desire of wanting to be a woman have quickly accumulated to the point where I'd be stricken with envy when ever I saw a cute girl while out in public, whereas I've grown a dislike to my own masculine characteristics. As much as I enjoyed them once, TG stories don't do anything for me anymore, usually a quick way to end up in a depressed state rather than feeling aroused. I've taken up crossdressing to ease these feelings of existential dissatisfaction though I can see it quickly becoming an addiction.
I've been depressed for a number of months now, dealing with hardly any appetite, lack of motivation and insomnia due to these feelings. This doubt about myself has reached the point to where I had no choice but to schedule an appointment with a gender therapist as I see no possibility of escaping these feelings. I've even begun giving serious thought to transitioning, because honestly, I can't even imagine a future where I'm still a man it feels like. With the reduced severity of my BPD my self-image is starting to feel more like that of a girl than anything else. Though it's still a bit cloudy, it's more or less consistent enough that it lines up with my true self. I know there have been reports of BPD causing GID, and I do fear that it might be the BPD that's causing it for me, but the fact that it feels so true to me makes me hope that isn't the case.
Meditation has endowed me with the ability to be more connected to who I am deep inside, but as I become more mindful of what I really am, I can't help but wonder if it has the side-effect of creating gender dysphoria alongside that. For example, recently my leg hair ended up bothering me to the point to where I had to shave it off, and I'm certainly becoming more aware of the presence of my genitals and am starting to wish they weren't there. Anyone wonder if meditation can affect transgendered individuals in these ways?
There has been a natural sequence to these chain of events it seems. From not feeling like an authentic man, to my conviction that I think and react more like a girl, to the point where I very well may have the mind of one. I'm still conflicted about thoughts of transition though, mainly due to my fear of all the implications that it will bring upon me, hurting loved ones and such, but I fear I may have reached the point to where I won't ever be happy with myself unless I go through with it. I know it won't be the panacea to all the problems in my life and it'll just add more, but I wonder if the happiness of being who you're supposed to be will make it worth all that?
I apologize again for the length of this post, hopefully some of you might be able to share some thoughts and insights on the possible effects of BPD may have on a transgender individual. Though I had feelings of trepidation upon the realization, I was overall relieved to unearth my true self and how my dissatisfaction life was caused by the repression of my actual gender identity, but it scares me to think it might be a mirage.
