Hi, my name is Amber! I am living in Lansing, Michigan. I am in the process of starting my transition at the age of 22. I am really excited about what is to come, but I also have many fears. I haven't yet started therapy, but I am saving up money so I can start.
I have had a difficult time dealing with my assigned gender for my whole life, but I haven't think I might have been trans until about 3-4 years ago. Throughout my life I have never really fit in with guys even though I normally hung out with them. They all thought I was gay because I was always more feminine then the average guy. Because of this I always tried to compensate by doing "manly" activities (playing sports, lifting weights, boxing.) Often I would have dreams where I was a women. At first these dreams would freak me out and I would wake up sweating.
As a child I was a seemingly normal boy, and my inner girl rarely exposed itself. Even so I remember getting into an argument with my family( both my parents and my 3 brothers) about whether I was male or female. After about an hour of arguing I finally gave in and decided to repress that side of me. After that I really don't have too many instances in my childhood that my true gender really came out. Occasionally I would see glimpses of my true self in the mirror. One of these glimpses happened when I was with one of my friends and I had on a swimmers cap that came with a bag of water balloons. When he sees me he starts laughing at me and says "haha you look like a girl." So I went in there and looked in the mirror and oddly enough having the swimmers cap did make my face look very feminine. When I saw it I had a rush of emotion. I remember thinking how much better I liked that image then my normal one.
I really felt awkward when I started dating girls. More often then not I was getting jealous of women's roles within the relationship. Almost all of my girlfriends would tell me that talking to me was like talking to a girl. This is when I first started having dreams where I was actually a girl.
I really didn't know what transgender or transsexual people were until about 4 years ago( I was very sheltered.) And after researching what they were I immediately thought maybe I am transgender. Upon finding out that I could actually become a women, I haven't really been able to even picture myself in the future as a man. Whenever I think about a career choice, I always picture myself as a women. One night I tried to picture myself as a man and I couldn't do it. It was blank, in the end it lead to me having the most vivid suicidal thought you could imagine.
At that point I no longer felt like I could let the doubt and denial about me being trans rule me. I knew the only way I could live is if I pursue this path even if it means losing all my friends and family. I have a long ways to go but I'm slowly taking steps to womanhood, and in doing so I feel better about myself then I have in a long time.
I know this is a long intro, but it felt good to throw my whole story out there.
