Hello there whoever is viewing this! I hope you are having a wonderful day. Thank you for taking the time of your day to read this far. And I have some questions I hope you could answer for me. My name is Gianni, and I wrote my mom a letter in February coming out. She thinks that it is a phase, and it's just puberty. How can I explain I don't believe it is a phase? And since then, I have been questioning it myself. When I was 7, I would think it my mind, I want to be a girl, what do I do? What are the signs of being transgender? Does anybody else feel like they would regret if they transitioned, then decided that they weren't trans? I am very unsure of what I am right now. I want to be a girl, but I don't want to have the awkwardness of going to counselors for talking, and doctors for HRT. My mom took me to a counselor in June, and wanted me to talk about the letter with the counselor. I refused, and she kept asking me in the car when we are alone, "What about that letter you wrote in February, why did you write that?" And when I try to do girly things, like girly backgrounds on my iPhone, use my sisters eyelash curler and things, etc I worry about what my parents or others will think. Is this natural? Please somebody, if you can, help me sort out my life!  Thank you so much for reading.

Hi Gianna!
Welcome.

First things first. "Man" and "Woman" are not as binary as you may have been led to believe. They are also not fixed. Like sexuality, they can change.
The question you should be asking yourself is what do you feel like as far as your gender identity right now. You seem to identify as more female than male.
That is fine, and that is the answer to your question.

The other question you should be thinking about separately is the question of what should you do about that. This is going to vary wildly depending on your situation.
The same advice that a person with a non normative sexuality or religious view should adhere to I would recommend for you.

First and always most importantly, be safe. If you are stuck in a situation where coming out and being yourself will put you in danger, then it may not be the time to do that.
Second, and also importantly, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

The fact that you feel more female than male is your fact, and nobody else's. You are not obligated to share it with them and you are not obligated to act on that fact in any specific way.

If you find that you feel you would feel much happier and more self affirmed living outwardly as female, then work toward setting up a future for yourself where you have the self reliance and freedom to pursue that. Transitioning is both exciting and scary. It can be life saving or life threatening depending on your circumstances. Transitioning is a process, and it may be a process you work on for the rest of your life. There are people who have gone from male to female to male to female again, because their gender identity changed throughout their lives. There are other people who always feel like one gender for their entire lives.

In short, nobody here can tell you what you are, but I think you have already told us all you need to know about your identity. You feel like you are a young woman born into a male body but who isn't certain what to do about it. Just know it is OK to be that person, it is OK not to be sure about your eventual gender identity,sex, sexuality, or religion. It isn't as uncommon as society has taught you to believe.

The people here are great, and I am sure they will all be happy to help you work through it.

-Anna

Quote from: Annabella on July 12, 2014, 05:18:11 PM
Hi Gianna!
Welcome.

First things first. "Man" and "Woman" are not as binary as you may have been led to believe. They are also not fixed. Like sexuality, they can change.
The question you should be asking yourself is what do you feel like as far as your gender identity right now. You seem to identify as more female than male.
That is fine, and that is the answer to your question.

The other question you should be thinking about separately is the question of what should you do about that. This is going to vary wildly depending on your situation.
The same advice that a person with a non normative sexuality or religious view should adhere to I would recommend for you.

First and always most importantly, be safe. If you are stuck in a situation where coming out and being yourself will put you in danger, then it may not be the time to do that.
Second, and also importantly, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

The fact that you feel more female than male is your fact, and nobody else's. You are not obligated to share it with them and you are not obligated to act on that fact in any specific way.

If you find that you feel you would feel much happier and more self affirmed living outwardly as female, then work toward setting up a future for yourself where you have the self reliance and freedom to pursue that. Transitioning is both exciting and scary. It can be life saving or life threatening depending on your circumstances. Transitioning is a process, and it may be a process you work on for the rest of your life. There are people who have gone from male to female to male to female again, because their gender identity changed throughout their lives. There are other people who always feel like one gender for their entire lives.

In short, nobody here can tell you what you are, but I think you have already told us all you need to know about your identity. You feel like you are a young woman born into a male body but who isn't certain what to do about it. Just know it is OK to be that person, it is OK not to be sure about your eventual gender identity,sex, sexuality, or religion. It isn't as uncommon as society has taught you to believe.

The people here are great, and I am sure they will all be happy to help you work through it.

-Anna

Thank you for explaining men and women are not binary, I was told to believe you are either born a man or a woman, and you are like that for life. I believe that coming out could be dangerous with certain people of my family or my parents friends. I will need to use my best judgement to decide who and who not to tell. I feel that I would be less depressed and more free being female, as now I find troubles embracing myself, I wonder what people will think and if they will judge. I'm not sure with transitioning, if I would regret it, that's a part where I need good judgement again. I am sure nobody can tell me who I am, but I want assistance to help me find that person! :p Society has really made things blurry, they say, "If you're trans you'll know at a young age" I felt like I wanted to be a girl, but I wasn't like "Yep I'm trans for sure." So far as my experience, everyone here at Susan's, including YOU is each individually awesome in their own way. Thank you so much for this advice.

Quote from: Gianna on July 12, 2014, 05:39:57 PM
Thank you for explaining men and women are not binary, I was told to believe you are either born a man or a woman, and you are like that for life. I believe that coming out could be dangerous with certain people of my family or my parents friends. I will need to use my best judgement to decide who and who not to tell. I feel that I would be less depressed and more free being female, as now I find troubles embracing myself, I wonder what people will think and if they will judge. I'm not sure with transitioning, if I would regret it, that's a part where I need good judgement again. I am sure nobody can tell me who I am, but I want assistance to help me find that person! :p Society has really made things blurry, they say, "If you're trans you'll know at a young age" I felt like I wanted to be a girl, but I wasn't like "Yep I'm trans for sure." So far as my experience, everyone here at Susan's, including YOU is each individually awesome in their own way. Thank you so much for this advice.

HAHAHA Oh Gianna, no, not every trans person knows when they are born that they are trans. I was in my thirties before I became fully aware of my dysphoria. Don't feel bad. Certainly don't feel ashamed. It will be a balancing act, but lying to yourself about who you are isn't going to help anyone. Lying to other people about who you are may be a necessity sometimes, but that isn't your fault, we owe our "gratitude" for that to ages and ages of mysoginy and ignorance.

Quote from: Annabella on July 12, 2014, 05:53:26 PM
HAHAHA Oh Gianna, no, not every trans person knows when they are born that they are trans. I was in my thirties before I became fully aware of my dysphoria. Don't feel bad. Certainly don't feel ashamed. It will be a balancing act, but lying to yourself about who you are isn't going to help anyone. Lying to other people about who you are may be a necessity sometimes, but that isn't your fault, we owe our "gratitude" for that to ages and ages of mysoginy and ignorance.

I thought that was false! Gosh, TV can be such a bunch of crap sometimes. I really try not to feel bad or ashamed around certain people, but it can be hard. The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm lying to myself that's why I feel I could regret transitioning! I just feel like I'm trapped as a guy and it feels right that I would be a girl. I'm afraid of reactions of people, painful transitioning, and discrimination at school. (Going into 7th grade next year)

Quote from: Annabella on July 12, 2014, 05:53:26 PM
HAHAHA Oh Gianna, no, not every trans person knows when they are born that they are trans. I was in my thirties before I became fully aware of my dysphoria. Don't feel bad. Certainly don't feel ashamed. It will be a balancing act, but lying to yourself about who you are isn't going to help anyone. Lying to other people about who you are may be a necessity sometimes, but that isn't your fault, we owe our "gratitude" for that to ages and ages of mysoginy and ignorance.

I feel bad lying, but I think if I start to transition in 7th grade (next year) or later, I will lie and say I have a twin sister :p

If you are starting 7th grade, I can assume you are between 11 and 14 years old?
If that is the case you may not want to start transitioning right away, but instead you may want to make sure to get on blockers to delay puberty so that you can start your transition later in life and after you have convinced your parents of it's necessity. The male hormones during puberty will do a lot of "damage" such as changing your facial structure, your voice, your build, etc, but no harm comes from delaying them. Starting transition as young as you are could also stunt your growth and cause you medical problems later in life.

I am not an expert though, so please get advice from someone who is.
You could possibly try to sell this to your parents as a compromise, because you won't be starting transition (which will possibly terrify them) but you will be saving yourself a lot of trouble and surgery and money if you decide to later. In the meantime you could experiment with presenting as female. Most of all I think your parents need an education in what transgender means, because they obviously do not know yet

Also, as some others here will probably tell you, hormone replacement should be always undergone with the supervision of a competent medical professional to avoid health risks and complications.

Take care Gianna.

-Anna

Quote from: Annabella on July 12, 2014, 09:39:12 PM
If you are starting 7th grade, I can assume you are between 11 and 14 years old?
If that is the case you may not want to start transitioning right away, but instead you may want to make sure to get on blockers to delay puberty so that you can start your transition later in life and after you have convinced your parents of it's necessity. The male hormones during puberty will do a lot of "damage" such as changing your facial structure, your voice, your build, etc, but no harm comes from delaying them. Starting transition as young as you are could also stunt your growth and cause you medical problems later in life.

I am not an expert though, so please get advice from someone who is.
You could possibly try to sell this to your parents as a compromise, because you won't be starting transition (which will possibly terrify them) but you will be saving yourself a lot of trouble and surgery and money if you decide to later. In the meantime you could experiment with presenting as female. Most of all I think your parents need an education in what transgender means, because they obviously do not know yet

Also, as some others here will probably tell you, hormone replacement should be always undergone with the supervision of a competent medical professional to avoid health risks and complications.

Take care Gianna.

-Anna

Yes you are correct about my age! I think blockers would be a great choice, but are there any damages possible? I agree this could be a compromise to my parents, but I'm not sure how to say it. My mom was really freaked out when I told her, so it might be hard for her. I could experiment with being female, (cross dress, makeup etc) but I worry when it comes to bras and clothes that look better with breasts! :p I'm also not sure how I could get my parents aware of transgender information. My dad the other day said "Son, I'd be ok if you were gay" and "if you showed up to a wedding in a dress, I would be a little disappointed, but I would still love you."
Also, I did not plan on self medicating, I will make sure to find out about the complications of HRT. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Quote from: Gianna on July 12, 2014, 09:47:37 PM
Yes you are correct about my age! I think blockers would be a great choice, but are there any damages possible? I agree this could be a compromise to my parents, but I'm not sure how to say it. My mom was really freaked out when I told her, so it might be hard for her. I could experiment with being female, (cross dress, makeup etc) but I worry when it comes to bras and clothes that look better with breasts! :p I'm also not sure how I could get my parents aware of transgender information. My dad the other day said "Son, I'd be ok if you were gay" and "if you showed up to a wedding in a dress, I would be a little disappointed, but I would still love you."
Also, I did not plan on self medicating, I will make sure to find out about the complications of HRT. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Blockers just delay the onset of puberty, you stay prepubescent longer, there is no damage, at least that I have heard of. HRT is different, you are adding hormones not regulated directly by your body rather than blocking them, so there are more risks, mostly with risk of clotting and most of that if you take pills, but from what I have heard using patches instead removes almost all of that risk.

As for how to inform your parents, it would not hurt to start by asking them to watch this and tell you what they think about it:

http://www.ted.com/talks/norman_spack_how_i_help_transgender_teens_become_who_they_want_to_be

Again, best of luck little sister. We'll be here if you need anything.
-Anna

Quote from: Annabella on July 12, 2014, 10:08:34 PM
Blockers just delay the onset of puberty, you stay prepubescent longer, there is no damage, at least that I have heard of. HRT is different, you are adding hormones not regulated directly by your body rather than blocking them, so there are more risks, mostly with risk of clotting and most of that if you take pills, but from what I have heard using patches instead removes almost all of that risk.

As for how to inform your parents, it would not hurt to start by asking them to watch this and tell you what they think about it:

http://www.ted.com/talks/norman_spack_how_i_help_transgender_teens_become_who_they_want_to_be

Again, best of luck little sister. We'll be here if you need anything.
-Anna

I think with HRT, I would like a pill, but if patches remove most medicinal risks, I would take those. How do I tell my parents to watch the video? I have my sister always being nosy and around my business. Aww that is so sweet of you, thank you for being there for me through the tough time.

Quote from: Gianna on July 12, 2014, 10:34:36 PM
I think with HRT, I would like a pill, but if patches remove most medicinal risks, I would take those. How do I tell my parents to watch the video? I have my sister always being nosy and around my business. Aww that is so sweet of you, thank you for being there for me through the tough time.

Obviously what form your medication takes is going to be up to you and your doctor, I am just telling you what I have heard.
Do you have your parent's email addresses? You could email it to them? That way you don't have to tell them about it face to face.

You are absolutely welcome. We need eachother's support because so many people are too ignorant of what we are going through to support us . I am sure you will be there for another young woman going through what you are going through.

Quote from: Gianna on July 12, 2014, 05:03:23 PM
And when I try to do girly things, like girly backgrounds on my iPhone, use my sisters eyelash curler and things, etc I worry about what my parents or others will think. Is this natural? Please somebody, if you can, help me sort out my life!  Thank you so much for reading.

Yes!  If you have a good relationship with your family, then chances are that you are aiming to please them.  When this happens, then you will definitely worry about what they think or how they will react and then if you perceive that they will react negatively then you will alter your behavior to be more in line with what you think they want.

The good thing about a close-knit family is that they will accept you no matter what.  As my therapist told me, "It is better to get an actual reaction than to get wrapped in how you believe someone will react"

Quote from: Annabella on July 12, 2014, 10:40:01 PM
Obviously what form your medication takes is going to be up to you and your doctor, I am just telling you what I have heard.
Do you have your parent's email addresses? You could email it to them? That way you don't have to tell them about it face to face.

You are absolutely welcome. We need eachother's support because so many people are too ignorant of what we are going through to support us . I am sure you will be there for another young woman going through what you are going through.

Yes I do have my parents email addresses, that is a great idea! I kind of think my parents forgot about the letter since then though. For me at least, in this time of my life, support is everything. I look forward to the day I help another young woman with issues like these!

Quote from: FilaFord on July 12, 2014, 10:57:06 PM
Yes!  If you have a good relationship with your family, then chances are that you are aiming to please them.  When this happens, then you will definitely worry about what they think or how they will react and then if you perceive that they will react negatively then you will alter your behavior to be more in line with what you think they want.

The good thing about a close-knit family is that they will accept you no matter what.  As my therapist told me, "It is better to get an actual reaction than to get wrapped in how you believe someone will react"

My parents would agree, if I tell them something they don't yell at me, they are just like "ok, how can we help you, or what is a reasonable punishment?"

Quote from: Gianna on July 12, 2014, 11:03:06 PM
My parents would agree, if I tell them something they don't yell at me, they are just like "ok, how can we help you, or what is a reasonable punishment?"

Well it sounds like you are definitely in a good place, Gianna! 

I think understanding gender is complicated.  My parents constantly ask me questions about what girly things I like to do and it always catches me off-guard.  I never know how to answer it because it feels like they want me to say "I love shopping, cleaning, cooking, and vacuuming in high-heels!" or something.  But deep down I know they are just really trying to understand me as well as they can. 

Regardless if they understand, they love me unconditionally and are my biggest supporters.  Some of the best moments are when they randomly point out something feminine about me that they have always noticed but never mentioned. 

Quote from: FilaFord on July 12, 2014, 11:08:04 PM
Well it sounds like you are definitely in a good place, Gianna! 

I think understanding gender is complicated.  My parents constantly ask me questions about what girly things I like to do and it always catches me off-guard.  I never know how to answer it because it feels like they want me to say "I love shopping, cleaning, cooking, and vacuuming in high-heels!" or something.  But deep down I know they are just really trying to understand me as well as they can. 

Regardless if they understand, they love me unconditionally and are my biggest supporters.  Some of the best moments are when they randomly point out something feminine about me that they have always noticed but never mentioned. 

I do believe I am a good place, my mom loves me, my dad loves me, and my sister is off to college next year! :p I do feel like I want to shop, but I act like I don't, so my parents don't question me!  There is along road ahead, and you are paving that road for me! The ride will be spectacular!

I am very excited for you!  You are young enough that you can escape many of the physical struggles that many MTF women go through. 

My mom keeps telling me "all women are insecure about something" and that is definitely true, but it will be a big sigh of relief for you if you can completely avoid the excessive hair, deep manly voice, etc.

I've dodged most of this

Quote from: FilaFord on July 12, 2014, 11:18:58 PM
I am very excited for you!  You are young enough that you can escape many of the physical struggles that many MTF women go through. 

My mom keeps telling me "all women are insecure about something" and that is definitely true, but it will be a big sigh of relief for you if you can completely avoid the excessive hair, deep manly voice, etc.

Yeah I've dodge those things thus far.

Sorry I was away Gianna,
I am here if you have any questions.
Have you sent along the video to your parental units yet?

Nervous with you,
-Anna

Gianna keep it up wish I had when I was in grade school would have been so much easier unfortunately I went through precocious puberty about 10 years old and I have other medical issues that added to the complex nature and that my parents always through against me and I looked too much like a boy is what they always told me I was a boy and am a boy  life is not fair unfortunately keep us posted. 
Sorry for spelling grammar use dictation due to medical issues