Hi, I'm ravenwing and I'm looking mostly for clarity and maybe some answers from those who might have a similar experience. These is going to sound insane and even a bit incoherent but I feel that in order to find some clarity, I must post the full story... Here we go. (I'll try to paraphrase as much as I can, it might run long.)
I was born male, but never really acted like either gender when I was a kid. I absolutely adored puzzles and challenges and math, history, English, and the social sciences were considered my best subjects. (Still are too
) I have a higher than average IQ and I tend to fixate on things until their full fruition. When I was in middle school I was part of the "scene clique" because it allowed me to express more feminine aspects in which I enjoy. (A bit of makeup here and there, jewelry, hair dye, longer hair, etc.) So I felt at ease during this time period, I really just hung out with mostly girls, however with no intensions of dating but just talking about life, chatting, shopping at Hot Topic (I know right! XD). It was fine during the beginning, then my step father put the brakes on all of it and "beat some man into me" when quite really I didn't understand why. I started dressing normal and presented myself as macho boy (at least around him) to avoid punishment.
High school rolls around and (WARNING: It starts sounding very insane.) I got into the whole vampire sub-culture. I prided myself on being a "Psychic Vampire" who draws on the essence of others spiritual beings (or subtle bodies). I would draw on the energy of "females" because I liked the "taste" of the energy and how it made me feel after a "feeding". (I'm over all this foolishness by now but this is important, read on.) During a deep meditation, I found inside my sub-conscience, was a nude woman chained tightly to a wall with her head down. The image was vivid; she lifted her head to meet my gaze only to find that her face resembled mine (this happened at 14-15ish). I felt I needed to look more into it so I spent a good year figuring out what I saw and what that meant, and I found the term "Transgender". I shrugged it off and assumed that my "vision" was somehow linked with the whole "vampire culture" bull crap that I used to follow.
It wasn't until a good friend of mine transitioned. It was junior year of high school and he became a she by coming to the first day of school fully dressed in women's clothing. It was hard not to laugh; I felt a strange yearning to do the same. One feeling was I wanted to rip those clothes off and put them on myself! But now I could know this could be possible, that I can become a woman, It made me rethink everything. Everything began to point at the fact that I wasn't really a man, but a guise that is chaining up my true self inside. A couple years go by and it's constantly in the back of my mind. I keep denying it, telling myself that I'm a stupid fool, but some part of me is saying that I am a stupid fool for believe that I am truly a male.
Today I am 19 (going on 20 in September
) and I can't take the torture, but the things that are holding me back are: My height (I'm 6 ft.), my feet (size 13 men's), My grandparents and parents (who would probably disown me), My future career in public speaking and finance (My career passion), and losing all of my friends and being labeled a freak by the very same public who presents me as their "investment of the country's future". I feel that if I transition, I will give up all of everything I have and starting from square -5. I want to transition, but I will not give up my career passions and family. Please, I need some insight. Help me figure out how I can make this all work. I want the good life, but I want it as a woman...
If sorry if a little long, but if you made it this far, then I thank you. If all I get from this site is a listening ear. (Or reading eyes XD) then I am perfectly happy on this site.
