My mother told me that I could be kicked out anytime and that my dad could ask her for a divorce. I still having trouble finding a goddamn job so I can start saving up to get out of here, it's killing me and I'm slowly running myself down with negative thoughts about it. Not going to the gym over a month since my membership won't be valid until the 21st isn't helping since that was the only way I can kill the stress.

Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 14, 2014, 04:06:43 PM
My mother told me that I could be kicked out anytime and that my dad could ask her for a divorce. I still having trouble finding a job so I can start saving up to get out of here, it's killing me and I'm slowly running myself down with negative thoughts about it. Not going to the gym over a month since my membership won't be valid until the 21st isn't helping since that was the only way I can kill the stress.

I don't know why your mom is saying you could be kicked out or that your dad could divorce her but, I will say, hang in there! As for the stress, I found that walking for an hr REALLY helped me get the stress off and if not for that walking, I'd have gone mad. So, I suggest you try walking for at least 15 mins, 30 if you walk normally throughout the day and an hr if you're used to walking. It will help some. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time and hope it all works out but please don't give up.

Quote from: Shana-chan on July 14, 2014, 07:05:35 PM
I don't know why your mom is saying you could be kicked out or that your dad could divorce her but, I will say, hang in there! As for the stress, I found that walking for an hr REALLY helped me get the stress off and if not for that walking, I'd have gone mad. So, I suggest you try walking for at least 15 mins, 30 if you walk normally throughout the day and an hr if you're used to walking. It will help some. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time and hope it all works out but please don't give up.

My mom just made the day much worse.

So she comes home from work, we greet each other and asks if dad is home. I tell her he just got home and the. asked if I looked for jobs on Craigslist. Then she goes to the bathroom and then calls me to come over to show me a little stain on the toilet. I understand that I should've cleaned it up before leaving but she didn't have to fly in a rage, start going to look for any reason or tiny flaw to be mad at such as my drawers being a little disorganized. She comes into my room and dumps all the clothes from the first two drawers and tells me to out them neat and then tells me to shut off the Internet and that I can't use it tomorrow.

She then proceeds to go on about the Internet being the root of all my problems, how useless I am, how i cant find a job (been looking through Craigslist and Indeed) and that playing games is stupid when the reality is that the Internet is the only thing really keeping me alive and somewhat kicking. I can't talk to my family because they get easily impatient and start yelling as if I annoyed them. Looks like I'm going to have to change my last name in the future too...

I that I'm 143 on the scale today. I know the BMI is full of crap, but I can't help but to think of numbers and how I'm way off than I should be...I'm slipping back to being close to 163 again and it sucks. I'm becoming too self-loathy to do anything beneficial for me, besides badger myself about how much of a lazy load I am and now I need to question if everything I'm putting in my face is out of actual hunger or my emotions are getting the better of me; as I was a huge emotional eater as a kid.

Here come the demons telling me I'm a fat ->-bleeped-<- again.

Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 14, 2014, 07:51:45 PM
I can't talk to my family because they get easily impatient and start yelling as if I annoyed them. Looks like I'm going to have to change my last name in the future too...

I'm so sorry your family is like that. I am constantly yelled at whenever I open my mouth in my house, so I can relate in a way. My only advice is to try and keep a bit of distance from the sources of your stress if there is no way to stop it. What I do is just live my life as 'normally' as possible, and try to avoid any unnecessary fighting at home. It doesn't always work out, but it's a bit easier now. I wish you the very best.   

  Nero   

Quote from: Daydreamer on July 14, 2014, 09:40:58 PMI that I'm 143 on the scale today. I know the BMI is full of crap, but I can't help but to think of numbers and how I'm way off than I should be...I'm slipping back to being close to 163 again and it sucks. I'm becoming too self-loathy to do anything beneficial for me, besides badger myself about how much of a lazy load I am and now I need to question if everything I'm putting in my face is out of actual hunger or my emotions are getting the better of me; as I was a huge emotional eater as a kid.

Here come the demons telling me I'm a fat <not allowed> again.

BMI has some merits, for those who are of average build. If you're muscular, or built like a stick, it doesn't work.
When I got locked up in the looney bin, I weighed 148.7 pounds. That made my BMI 18.6. They tried to slap me with an eating disorder. Not only am I built like a stick, I also couldn't afford to eat much. I managed to talk them out of that.
I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything, but my weight is going loopy right now anyways. I bought a pair of size 6 jeggings only two or three weeks ago, and, after eating my grandmother's cooking (which is fattening on its own if you don't include how much you have to eat and how many of the cookies, cakes, etc. that she buys and bakes "just for you" and is offended if you don't eat them all) for nearly a month now I weighed in at 155 (only 4 pounds more than being released from the looney bin, the 20th of last month) and somehow I struggle to get them over my butt now, and they're too big around. I'm like a size 4 now. But I do notice higher up that I do still have belly fat, but not on my waistline.
tl;dr, fat is weird.

Quote from: Shana-chan on July 11, 2014, 11:01:32 PM
I know how you feel. I checked the web site for around my area and none are close enough for me to get too. Figures, every time an anime movie comes to the US theaters, I end up missing it due to SOMETHING or another. (Missed the Yu-gi-oh! 5D's movie years ago too, thanks to a mix up on the theater's part) I NEVER get to go to the theaters! The only good news here for both of us is, it will be released both online and eventually DvD too.

That's horrible!  Sadly, by the time it's released on Youtube for free, I probably won't be interested, lol.



My mom threw my bottle of water away when I was trying to get the ice to melt. 

I want a pussy with good vaginal depth 

I started thinking about my thesis and I had a panic attack. -_- Only a month away from completion and I still imagine how free I would feel if I just gave up on it. But I am so close, it would be the most horrible, stupid waste imaginable if I quit lol. I honestly may as well keep plugging away at it and I'll have that same sense of freedom when it's done, just without the regret haha.

Quote from: birkin on July 15, 2014, 11:45:30 AM
I started thinking about my thesis and I had a panic attack. -_- Only a month away from completion and I still imagine how free I would feel if I just gave up on it. But I am so close, it would be the most horrible, stupid waste imaginable if I quit lol. I honestly may as well keep plugging away at it and I'll have that same sense of freedom when it's done, just without the regret haha.

Get on it, keep plugging! "No amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future."

Quote from: Shantel on July 15, 2014, 12:04:02 PM
Get on it, keep plugging! "No amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future."

Right as usual Shan. I'm slowly making the last bits of progress. I can't believe what a long project this has been. =/ Fack.

Quote from: birkin on July 15, 2014, 12:14:58 PM
Right as usual Shan. I'm slowly making the last bits of progress. I can't believe what a long project this has been. =/ Fack.

I'm gonna be a proud Auntie hon!

Proud and happy that I finally have this damn thing done?

Just wait until I have my chest fixed. It was you who convinced me to finally go see the Dr for a consult, now I have a file there, a quote, and a plan.

I've been a bit unhappy today. Actually, I've been very stressed out for every reason possible. I was trying to draw today (I try to draw every day) and that was affecting me. I just got too frustrated and ripped out the pages I was working on, then threw them out. I don't think drawing is going to happen today. I'll just listen to music instead.

Quote from: birkin on July 15, 2014, 12:59:44 PM
Proud and happy that I finally have this damn thing done?

Just wait until I have my chest fixed. It was you who convinced me to finally go see the Dr for a consult, now I have a file there, a quote, and a plan.

That's my boy!

Came to an job open house at 3:30 PM but they said they finished and it started 11:30 AM despite what was written on Craigslist. WHAT?!

Hearing at work today how a co-worker is pregnant. I can't GET pregnant, would everyone in my life (besides me sis that is) just F'N stop bringing this damned topic up! 

I'd forgotten the above till I came on here and read how others are transitioning, some getting SRS and then some and, while I'm happy for them, it saddens me knowing it won't happen to me anytime soon if it ever does. It also reminded me of the above. I just feel, left behind, I'm pre everything, minus some accomplishments I've done such as, always wearing female clothing including dress, skirts, lip stick and so on but typically the clothes are gender neutral appearance wise. I just wish I knew WHEN itll be my time.. Sadly with my low paying job, and the circumstances, it won't happen anywhere near before I'm 30 and I want to live life as a woman starting at age 30 if not before then.

OH YEA! I forgot something else too, in addition to ->-bleeped-<- that happened to me this last week where my work took advantage of me, I got hurt at work too (Still recovering) Luckily I didn't lose too much and hope I don't but still the icing on the cake or should I say wedding cake is that my Dad told me there's a good chance someone in my family (Being my sis) could get married (I was aware of this) and how he's paying for it, "I" have to think of others so, if I want to come it's as a male, in male clothing. I'm sick of this ->-bleeped-<-! I'm going to try calling my sis again, that may make things worse for me or better, I don't know. (We haven't spoken in months, only 2 emails which were good ones)

Another negative moment for the economy!

Thursday, July 17, 2014
Microsoft announces biggest layoff in history
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said the company is cutting 18,000 jobs

Quote from: Shantel on July 17, 2014, 09:02:29 AM
Another negative moment for the economy!

Thursday, July 17, 2014
Microsoft announces biggest layoff in history
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said the company is cutting 18,000 jobs

OUCH.

Mother kept telling me about how Dad might surprise us by kicking us out of the house at any time so it's important I find myself a job. She's really not helping the situation by constantly repeating that and proceeds to tell me to look for good jobs because I graduated with a BA. Well, considering I have no experience, I should be open to taking any job because having a degree doesn't guarantee me nor does it entitle me to a good paying job and she scoffed at the idea of working as a dishwasher. I don't see why not, I'm going insane all cooped up at home with her harassing me and the money I would earn is better than not earning a thing. I would also get to see and hear my parents much less which is a big plus.