rest in peace. i hope the last few years were good. we didn't talk much, but when we did, he seemed very nice.

This week I lost a friend.

He was a special person, and our friendship was complicated and unique and I feel moved to talk about it. It is a comfort that many people here were also friends of his. A lot of you will understand what I say about him.

I originally was going to post this to my blog. But perhaps others would like a place where we can share memories of Nero among people whose lives he touched.

He sought me out at as a friend. At the start I was vaguely afraid of him, knowing his standing among people of this site, and his "angry" avatar pic didn't help. But he saw in me a unique, interesting soul, and took it upon himself to send me PMs asking about my life and my feelings.

As we became friends, I learned how cautious and private he was. I got very few details about his life. Even when he passed, more than a year into our friendship, I didn't know what part of the country he lived in, what he looked like, or what he sounded like. I gave him my number but he was reluctant to talk to me voice to voice. He was afraid of saying something wrong.

He showed me some of his writing. He was fascinated by disappearances and mysteries – the real life kind that require research and documenting. He told me about his interest in fashion (like so many other details in his life, it didn't seem to fit into the rest of the picture).

And as we got to know each other, he shared the horrors of a shattered life, when he lost his partner and several members of his partner's family in rapid succession, leaving him suddenly alone and adrift. He also shared some glimpses of his life before transition – a story of someone whose uncertainty and lack of confidence drove him to do things he later was not proud of.

I wonder whether his pre-transition days scarred him more than he would admit, even to himself. Recently I read some posts and he sent me some PMs which led me to believe that the expectations placed on him as a female were traumatic and infuriating and that the anger and helplessness still haunted him.

Before my transition, he spent a lot of time discussing whether I was transitioning for the right reasons. Though he was two decades younger than I was, I think he saw this as a fatherly move, and it was motivated by concern. Later, as I was thinking of SRS, he tried to do the same thing, making sure I had adequately thought through my decision. By that time, though, I think there were too many distractions for him to focus. Several times he apologized for not holding up his end of the discussion.

These talks culminated in a skype chat which started out as a discussion of my SRS motives, but ended up about the lack of a close friend in his life. I felt closer to him after that chat, and I held out hope that he would reach out to me as someone who could provide an ear and a heart. But he pulled back. As much as he liked the idea of being close friends with a woman, at that point he had grown sufficiently uncomfortable socially that it just frightened him too much.

Nero's tragedy, in my opinion, is that he never valued himself. He was a bright, creative, sensitive person – all of this he knew – but he could never see how his gifts benefited the world. He was the public face for the administration of the site. Yes, although we all know Susan owns it, we never saw much of her. She'd usually surface only with some vital announcement. But Nero was always here. You'd never know when one of his caring posts would show up in one of your threads. He touched thousands of lives, and probably saved several dozen through the years, but it was hard to get him to project any pride or self-appreciation based on these accomplishments.

I can't help but think that this more than anything shortened his life. If he had loved himself as much as he deserved, he would have taken better care of the health of the body that kept his soul alive. It is horrible and painful to think that he couldn't bring himself to see himself in that way. As much as anyone I know, he deserved to be loved and well taken care of.

I'm upset and shaken. Nero, I will miss you and will always remember you.

May he now be at peace

As a new person on these boards, I did not know him.  But I did read many of his posts.  He certainly seemed like a caring person.  I have something like 9 posts on this forum, but I've read about 9,000.  FA's included.  I remember a post thread recently where he talked about how posts that someone makes now can help many, many people that read them in the future.  I am sure that will be true of his posts as well. 

Kim

Oh god no. I knew he was in a bad place, but I never imagined this. How can this be?

He's gone and we had conversations we didn't even finish and there is nothing and I ->-bleeped-<-ing hate this world sometimes.

I feel like I should say something and I want to say something, but the words won't come. I feel angry with myself because I wasn't as much of a support to him as I wish I could have been. I feel like I want to cry, but nothing's coming out.

Just found out about this. So tragic. My thoughts and prayers are with his family and I hope he is at peace.

Doing my best to be brave and carry on, but this has been a hard pill to swallow and the water works keep blurring up my eyes and I have to keep tissue handy... Not sleeping much

This is terribly sad.  I wish strength to his family.

Sadly I never reached out to him in a way beyond responding to posts. I almost sent him a PM a little while back when everybody seemed to be jumping down his throat for saying what he felt and experienced in his life. I wanted to tell him I wasn't offended by his posts and he spoke a lot of truth about the way women are treated in society. But the reason I didn't send it was I figured that he had plenty of people telling him the same thing.
But I'm really not just saying this because of what has happened. I did enjoy his posts a lot of what he spoke about the way women are treated resonated with me. When I saw that he had made a new thread I always made sure to read it. I found him to be a very interesting person I wish I had reached out to him beyond just responding to posts.

Holy. Crap. I did not expect this.

When I first came to Susan's, and was feeling overwhelmed by it all, he was one of the very first people to reach out to me. Although we hadn't conversed recently, I still appreciate what he did. And it seems he did the same for others. He will most definitely be missed.

Goodbye, Nero. May you rest in peace.

Nero was my friend for six years. Almost exactly six years. Ever since I first joined the site, we hit it off and were firm friends ever since. Throughout that time we shared laughter and tears, hopes and fears, joy and sadness. He was more than a friend. He was a kindred spirit. Someone I love dearly, even still. He was the one constant in an ever shifting Susan's environment.

Those six years have impacted me for an entire lifetime. It is hard for me to write this. Part of me still can't believe he's gone. I look back over the last correspondence we shared and I smile and cry at the same time. He would not want anyone to feel sad. He cared for everyone here more than any of you probably know. This site reflected his soul. He felt a deep sense of wanting to be there for people. To make sure they had a place to be themselves. To find what he himself found when he came here. A refuge.

He did not have an easy life. He experienced things that would have broken many. But somehow, he got through. Somehow he kept going. Kept being a rock for others. Giving of himself so that others may find solace from their own pain. This was testament to the kind of man he was.

His hero was Admiral Nelson. He always tried to measure himself against such a lofty figure and felt he came up short. I can tell you... he didn't. He displayed greatness in different ways. His depth of emotion, his compassion, his sense of duty and fairness... Nero had a strength of character which set him apart. He was one of the most charismatic people I ever knew. And when he really opened up, when you got to see the man behind the profile, you knew you were in the presence of someone special.

We did not always see eye-to-eye, but when it came down to it, we always saw heart-to-heart. He was someone who valued honesty above all things. Someone who bared his soul, more in private than publically, and encouraged others to do the same. You always knew where you were with Nero. He said what he meant, and how he felt. There was never a need to read between the lines. Because of this, because of his straightforward nature, when he said he cared, you knew he meant it. Yet at the same time he had the soul of a poet. And when in the mood, he could do things with words that left me breathless. I once compared him to the poet Lord Byron. And always nagged him to write more.

I have tried to find a piece of writing which expresses how I feel, what I want to say... but I couldn't. So, I wrote something myself. I wish I could find a better way to say what he meant to me but...

To Nero

You dreamed a life filled with success,
Of being something more than you were,
Master of a destiny forged by your own hand,
A future of hope and ambition.

You thought you'd failed.

The past, a demon, battled endlessly,
Bitter memories lived over and over,
Regret, fear and self-doubt were your captors,
A prison of your mind.

You thought you had nothing to offer.

But what you never knew, through it all,
The light you gave to others, souls you touched,
Sheltered, nurtured, encouraged, believed in,
Made you more than you ever dreamed possible.

You are, and forever will be a part of my soul, my heart and my memory.

I love you and I will miss you. Now, and always.

Your friend,

Lauren.

I feel just like you do Suzi. Nero and I butted heads for a while then one night I called him and had a lot of the realizations you did. We talked for over three hours that first night and shared several more calls afterward. Every time I interacted with him I found yet another reason to accept and understand all he had gone through in life. Our friendship got stronger as time went by and I understood then it was not anger, but pain controlling his life. I found a new respect for him. I was not home the night he died and when checking my voice mail there was a call from him. The words were unintelligible and short. Upon hearing of his death the next day my blood chilled an I broke down. Not being there will haunt me forever as it was not often he reached out. Maybe I could have helped or it was already too late, but I wish I had been there to pick up his call. Not knowing is hurting me very much. 

I came to this website about three years ago at the start of my transition when I was pre-everything and I stayed here for about 6 months before I found it too much to cope with. On my attempted departure, Nero and I corresponded by PM several times and he was kind enough to tell me some of his story and how he coped with things, so I stayed for a while longer until I felt the walls closing in again and then he and I had a longer set of PMs before I actually departed.

I was shocked when I saw the headline. He deserved better.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 15, 2014, 12:03:19 PM
I was not home the night he died and when checking my voice mail there was a call from him. The words were unintelligible and short. Upon hearing of his death the next day my blood chilled an I broke down. Not being there will haunt me forever as it was not often he reached out. Maybe I could have helped or it was already too late, but I wish I had been there to pick up his call. Not knowing is hurting me very much. 

Jessica, do not blame yourself. If you had been there I have no doubt that you would have done your best, but none of us can live by the phone day and night.

While I no longer really post or even log onto Susan's any more, the news of Nero's passing has shocked me. My condolences go out to his family and friends. May he be resting in peace.

I didn't know FA like some of the members that have shared some eloquent posts of insight. No interaction on posts, but I did read all that I saw of FA's messages. I appreciated & respected he was a real straight shooter. He is so wonderful with everyone. I felt his pain in his personal losses & sensed he was going through some tortured times. The news of his passing seems unexpected & for that it is shocking. For me living a full life in my 70's it always hurts to hear someone passing young & before their time. May we keep in our hearts FA's caring contributions to Susan's and the members. Rather than be sad (we are human & it is hard not to be sad) I like to remember all the good in a person & Celebrate their life! R.I.P.
Love
Jamie

I cared about Nero an awful lot, and I am pretty sure that he was one of the very first posters I started following back when I was a lurker. I have so much respect for the person that he was and for all that he overcame. I've had a really hard time dealing with this, it just seems so terribly unfair. Seeing some of the stuff he wrote over the last little while often made me dread that one day, I'd log in and find a post like this one, saying that he was no longer with us. He's had his struggles but he was such a good and kind person. I feel like so often he held himself to this impossible standard and beat himself up when he thought he didn't meet it. I wonder if he truly ever knew how much he meant to everyone in his life and how much we thought of him.

I read through some of his older posts last night and it just breaks my heart. I don't know how I feel about an afterlife, but I'm hoping that if there is one Nero gets the opportunity to see how many lives he has touched and how much we all cared for him. I also hope that he is finally at peace.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 15, 2014, 12:03:19 PM
I was not home the night he died and when checking my voice mail there was a call from him. The words were unintelligible and short. Upon hearing of his death the next day my blood chilled an I broke down. Not being there will haunt me forever as it was not often he reached out. Maybe I could have helped or it was already too late, but I wish I had been there to pick up his call. Not knowing is hurting me very much. 

That is so sad, Jessica, and I'm sure that this makes this even harder for you than it would have been otherwise. As someone else said, you can't blame yourself for this. If you need anyone to talk to about this, please contact me.

I didn't know him well, but from what I'd read he seemed like a really great guy.  I'm really sorry to hear this...

I don't read many threads on here but am saddened to hear of his passing. I hope his soul finds peace. And that we learn from his wisdom / his life story / so that his pain was not for nothing. He touched the lives of many; so they may benefit and touch the lives of others. Karma spreads in mysterious and sad ways.
Rest in peace

Like many, I read far more than I post. I remember being moved by posts from FA. This loss is certainly tragic. My heart goes out, especially to his family on and off Susan's Place.