Hello,

As evidenced by the subject title, I'm new to this site -- and furthermore, I'm new to discussing my longheld gender-related issues.  That is, I've never discussed with anyone whatsoever my innate desire to live life as a female.  Thus, choosing to post details pertaining to my internal conflict is a huge step for me, and I value any insights users on this site have to offer.

To start, I'm a 20-year-old male, but approaching 21.  There were many occasions in my childhood wherein I was dismayed by the development of my masculine features.  Although this feeling subsided as I grew a little older, it really came back and hit me hardest when I was a senior in high school.  Just like that, I quit participating in so many sports that I enjoyed in middle school and early high school (namely wrestling and soccer), had extreme difficulty maintaining a relationship due to my tendency to act overly emotional and needy, and started experimenting with my body so that I felt more feminine.  For example, I started shaving my legs, my arms, and my stomach; I started to tan a lot; and I went through bouts of eating very little in hopes that I'd appear much less muscular.  All of this occurred during my senior year of high school (although I partook in these activities sporadically much earlier on).

However, I said nothing about it to anyone, in realization that the few acquaintances I had would likely not accept me, while my family would undeniably disown me.  Fast-forward a couple years to present-day, and the feelings I experienced as a senior in high school have only amplified.  It has reached the point to which I sometimes ask myself if I want to maintain the facade I've held for so many years, or if I want to take the biggest risk I could possibly take and bloom into the opposite gender.  These intense feelings of dissatisfaction regarding my masculinity seem to cycle, in that they subside for a few weeks at a time, but inevitably do return -- more powerfully than ever before. 

I'm still on the edge about transitioning (or even overtly seeking help about transitioning) for a few reasons.  To start, on a scale, from 1 to 10, in which "1" would represent a very non-masculine man with little muscle or hair, and "10" would represent an all-out bear, I'm probably a 7.  This worries me greatly, because I absolutely fear the idea of transitioning and not appearing 100% passable.  That said, are the early 20s an effective age to transition?  I'm about 5 feet 11 inches tall, which isn't a huge deal to me, but I'm also extremely lean and muscular with 16-inch arms and kind of a barrel chest.  I'm not even remotely hairy for some odd reason, and my facial hair doesn't really form what I'd consider a beard (though I do get annoying stubble).  Conversely, I'm pretty lightweight for a male, weighing in at about 160 - 165 pounds.  This gives me some hope that maybe I'm not as incredibly bulky as I think I am, and thus transitioning would be more of a success. 

Additionally, a couple of other obstacles seem to persist, and these obstacles are every bit as weighty as the prior.  Namely, I'm halfway done with university study, and I will soon be participating in interviews for internships.  After preparing for internships the next several months and then participating in an internship, I will have to turn around and repeat the same phase so that I can start an actual career.  This time of my life is clearly of significant importance, and I'm so worried that starting transitioning will affect my job prospects.  Furthermore, is it viable to transition during the course of a steady career, or would that put me at risk of losing my job?  I will be working in IT, most likely for a consulting company, if that's of any help.  This all worries me extensively, because, without a good career, I'll have to resort to living with my mother, and this spells hell for me -- which brings me to the last obstacle.

My family is completely, undeniably conservative in many of their viewpoints, and here in Indiana, transgender individuals are called every terrible gut-wrenching name you can imagine.  For example, I visited my grandmother at the local hospital (where she stays) a couple of weeks ago with my mother (I'm home for summer break, by the way).  While we were there, my mom started gossiping with the CNA (who honestly shouldn't be a CNA) about this so-called "idiot" who's transitioning from male to female.  She is one of two MTF's in this small town, and BOTH in fact get made fun of a lot.  The remarks from the aforementioned CNA were so disgusting that I wanted to throw a fit right then and there; little did she or my mother know that the only other person in vicinity struggled with the topic at hand.  So, it's pretty clear that I fear my family's opinion of me, but at the same time, I'm not so sure.  My dad is in prison for a pretty heinous crime and honestly doesn't approve of anything I do.  I think it's safe to say that I can disregard his entire side of the family's opinion, on these grounds.  On my mom's side, however, there are a few individuals who I hold dearly to my heart, but the number is lessening, unfortunately.  This leads me to question whether transitioning in the next few years would be an all-out dumb decision, or if I'd really lose much of anyone at all.

I would be okay with continuing to carry out the remainder of my life as male...actually, scratch that.  Entertaining the notion of living forever as a male is kind of devastating at the moment, but living as a male for the next couple years or so doesn't seem like too tall of a task.  Can anyone relate to me? 

Also, certain things about me are really male -- I'm rough-skinned, for example.  Would my skin become significantly smoother on HRT if I ever go that route?  Will the muscles I've developed from running track, etc. diminish as well?  As I've said, I can't bear the thought of transitioning but not appearing passable.  Just how dramatic are the changes brought on by HRT?

I've run out of concerns.  If you have any advice about any of the things I've mentioned, feel free to pass it on.  I apologize for this being so incredibly long.  Have a wonderful day, everyone.

almightymouse

Welcome.  Your questions and narrative are fairly similar to many of the concerns and experiences of many of us at Susans.

First, I would recommend finding a good gender therapist to help you work through these issues.  There should be one available on campus or in your town.  Second, take your time to understand yourself and work through your options.  The only right schedule is the one that fits you.  If you prove to be trans* and seek to transition remember there are a whole range of potential destinations or identities that may fit you.  Assuming that you end up working with a good endo and therapist then hrt will certainly improve your skin, and your size is much smaller than many who have successfully transitioned.

Many find transitioning in college to be ideal.  Some do it immediately afterwards while others transtion progressively.  Some find it easier to move to a new community and to start again.

On this site there is a heap of information and resources for you to mine.  There are many folk who will be along in a moment to welcome you and to share their experience, insights and support.  This is an exciting time and perhaps a little daunting.  But understanding and expressing your identity is truly liberating and well worth the investment.

The only further aside I would make is that gender dysphoria invariably increases over time.  It seems harder to live with as you get older.  Similarly you may find it better to seek a life partner or SO after you understand and better express yourself.  Either way you have taken the first step.

Safe travels

Aisla

You could just transition in stealth. As Aisla said, dysphoria only increases over time. Just start slow and find a therapist and work your way up as you get more confident.

Thank you so much for the replies so far, everyone.  It is rather scary to me that these feelings will only increase in intensity as time progresses -- just as they have been for years now.  Just by learning that alone, I am much more sure that I want to transition as opposed to waiting until I grow older.  It's very relieving to not feel so "on the fence" about transitioning for once.

Regarding the gender therapists, would I seek a gender therapist out in place of a general practitioner?  If so, this is good news to me because I can see a gender therapist being much more receptive about my problems than a doctor, unfortunately.  I googled gender therapists in my college town, and to my surprise, there were almost a dozen of them. 

This is very reassuring, but I'm still concerned: If I have to cover the counseling sessions with health insurance (which is provided by my mother's employer), will my mother in turn find out about my issues?  Does anyone have advice on how I could keep this from my her -- even up to the point to which I hopefully get prescribed the hormones?  I'm 20, and I don't want my mother's views getting in the way of what I, as a person, need to do.  Lastly, is gender therapy a one-time thing, or is it conducted over time?

Again, thank you for the replies, and I more than welcome any advice regarding my issues.

I know I'm gonna sound a little harsh, but your mom is your mom, that's it, forget about acceptance, I have lived by a phrase I made up myself a few years back, and it is, nobody has the right to accept me or not!, no one. If anyone ever gave me the I accept you speech I actually said I appreciate the gesture but there is absolutely nothing for you to accept. I know it sounds like a harsh way of thinking, but giving others a power that they've never given you isn't the best move to make, yet many many people seek, the "idiot" that cna and your mom talked about? She is happy being herself and probably has never had a single talk about that cna, she probably don't even know her name . But I assure you that "idiot" has friends and people around her whom are true and heartfelt to her. Gossip doesn't matter anymore, the laws protect you. All that aside I wish you well through this, you will find your step sooner or later. It's the moment you just have to do it all and can't look back the moment that will make everything change, you'll know...

Calicarly, you're 100% right about everything you've said.  I don't think what you said was harsh, but was instead realistic.  Thank you for the encouragement so far, everyone.  It has helped a lot more than you'd think (keep in mind, I've never talked about my dysphoria with anyone).  I'm absolutely positive that I will be seeking out a gender therapist when I return to college next month.  I've been thinking, and I'm not necessarily worried that my mom will find out about my dysphoria (keeping in mind that I am on her insurance) because of HIPAA privacy laws.  Either way, I'm pretty optimistic.

Before I told my mom, I was on HRT for a month. Before I told my dad, it was almost a year. The changes are slow enough to be able to do HRT in stealth, at least for me. I'm still in guy mode 90% of the time in public after being on HRT for almost 2 years, just my breasts are almost impossible to hide even with the baggiest of shirts and I get ma'amed sometimes in my super baggy male work clothes (which is nice)

For me, HRT helped the most with dysphoria, and I'll approach the 100% full time social aspect when I'm 100% comfortable. You don't have to tell your family before you start to do something like that. You're an adult and can make your own decisions; don't let their bigotry and your fear of their disapproval get in the way of who you are inside.

Hideyoshi

For me HRT has also  been key while self discovery, acceptance and expression has done the rest.  My journey has also been slow, considered and deliberate.  Folk don't seem to notice physical  changes while the changes are validating to me.  Emotional changes are more obvious and for me the most welcome

Aisla

Hideyoshi, your narrative was really reassuring and refreshing to hear.  It made me realize that transitioning secretly actually is an option that has seen success with some people.  If a gender therapist determines that I've been suffering from gender dysphoria and thus recommends that I transition, I would definitely do so secretly (at least a first) because I'm really scared of how overtly transitioning would affect my career prospects in the next couple of years. :/

Also, sharing my story on this site really boosted my confidence, especially with the very positive, encouraging replies I've received regarding the topic.  Thus, I came out for the first time yesterday.  I did so to a girl friend from high school who I was once really close to, and she was very receptive.  I feel like the world has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I feel even more encouraged to seek help about my problem in the near future.