I know it's strange that I tell all this to strangers, but my friends just wouldn't get it (they don't know she is transgender). They would have said that she will be too much of a hassle (ironically they never had girlfriends and just pretty much just fooled around with girls). A good girl friend of mine (who I knew since grade school) might understand me and what is happening, but as I don't want to out her I just told her basic stuff (and left out stuff that could potentially out her). I haven't told anyone that she is transgender (not even my mom who is very accepting and nice to everyone) as when I looked for information about transgenders I read that is insensitive to cruel to out transgenders.
As I said before here is the update.
We take turns visiting each other as we don't live nearby. Yesterday it was my turn to visit.
When my train arrived I saw her already standing there with a basket. As I thought we went for a picnic at the park near the water. That said she didn't sound that exited to see me like she used to be. Something felt wrong. The shine in her eyes were gone. I tried to get her to laugh, but all I got was a smile and then back to being somewhat depressed. I thought if there is something bothering her she would tell me.
We got to the spot she wanted and we started with sandwiches and a drink. She is passionate with cooking (and is good at it) so I thought I'd ask her how she made the sandwiches. The shine came back and she excitedly told me how she made it. However she reverted back when she was done.
I asked what was wrong and she said that she was okay. Red flags started to rise in my head. My ex used to use "I'm okay" or "it's fine" to make me feel horrible when nothing really happened (needless to say why she's an ex). However I had a gut feeling that she really was bothered by something (I thought it might be the whole ->-bleeped-<- issue) so I ignored the red flags in my head. I said "you're not okay. I can see that you are not feeling well and or are bothered by something."
As I said that she broke down. I held her as she cried in my arms. I let her cry till she calmed down a bit. She said that she wasn't ready in a sexually way yet (like I said earlier here). She was scared that she would lose me if she wouldn't do anything sexually (because we talked about sex and that I often had a hard one because of her which she noticed it every time) and that was the reason why she said she would give me a ->-bleeped-<-, even though she wasn't ready for it. I made sure she understood that I wouldn't leave her because she wasn't done yet or because she isn't ready for anything sexual.
She told me why she was so insecure. She said that a boy, who was born as a girl (that would be a trans boy?), made her fall in love with him and then ultimately dump her after two dates (he even flirted with her before the date where he dumped her). I can totally understand why something like that would make her insecure. After that she told me about the things she went through. I must say if it was me who experienced the things she had I would probably be messed up beyond repair. First thing I did when she was done talking was to hold her tightly. She finally relaxed and didn't feel tense anymore. When she was totally relaxed I also told her of the bad things that happened to me.
After that we just hugged, not saying a word. After some time I said quietly in her ear "I love you". I felt tears falling down on my shoulder and she hugged me even tighter. We just stayed there for some time.
Time flew by and before we knew it, it was evening. We went to her place (well it's a private student house where 5 others live, but she has a private room) and we ordered some food while watching a movie.
I noticed she was very tired (was a heavy day for both of us) so I said I would go back home so she could get some sleep. What happened was something that I didn't see coming. She asked if I wanted to stay and sleep with her (we haven't even stayed over yet). I asked if she was sure and she nodded so I said yes. She looked really happy when I said yes.
She asked me if I could leave the room so she could change and she gave me her old boy pajama pants (which I fitted) so I didn't sleep in just my underwear. I said that I don't need a shirt as it was way too hot there (and I knew it would only get hotter) and I knew she would most likely like that. She looked really cute in her pajamas, which I told her. She blushed and I said after that to break the tension "hey guess what, I'm in your pants now" we both cracked up.
She gracefully climbed up on her queen sized loft bed. I tried to do the same but the whole bed wiggled too much. It felt liked it would collapse if I moved too much.
We kissed and we cuddled while laying together. As predicted I got a hard one. She looked like she was saying if I was alright so I said "Don't worry darling, just go to sleep". I embraced her and after some time she fell asleep. Me, still having a hard one, couldn't sleep as thoughts raced through my head how it would be if she had the surgery (couldn't help thinking about it, yes I know men are horny pigs blablabla) and beside that it was really hot, the room that is.
Next thing I knew was that two blue eyes were staring at me in a lit hot room (I must have fallen asleep without noticing it). She kissed me and said good morning (her partly removed facial did itch me a bit, but I didn't care). Me, still half asleep, mumbled something. I'm really not a morning person so I don't have a clue what happened beside her blue eyes staring at me, the hot room and her good morning kiss (which didn't fully wake me up).
When I finally was in the land of the living (meaning awake and aware) we had breakfast and watched the news about the plane which was most likely shot down. After that we head to the station to because I really needed to leave (I had things I really needed to do).
When we arrived at the train station I held her tight and said that if she was bothered by something she should say it so we can fix it or make sure it doesn't happen anymore. We kissed and she said that she loved me. I said that I love her and that nothing will change how I think about her. Right after that I surprised her with a kiss. I entered the train and we texted while waiting for the train to depart.
And that was the end of what happened yesterday. Thought it was very emotional yesterday we made great progress. I really think we trust each other fully now.
As I said earlier I really see a future with her and I would be devastated to lose her. I want to make her happy and protect her so she will never feel bad again.
That sounded a bit like a proposal eh. O well that's for in the future.
@kitty
Yes it seems she's still struggling with her body. If you asked me she's beautiful, but you can't fix how somebody sees themselves. I can only show her that I think she's beautiful and hope she will start to think so as well.
And indeed she's a amazing girl who really loves me so and who I love so I'm sure we will stay together.
@Ptaurus
Yes it was indeed that she thought she would lose me if she didn't do it. We talked it through and it seemed that her past made her think that way.
I'm not 100% sure if the first time will be great, with for her being the first time and also a body part which hasn't existed that long. Though a ->-bleeped-<-, when she's ready, might be awesome.
What I really look forward to is seeing her naked. I will stop writing now because I'm getting exited just thinking about it and I might come off as a pervert (might already been that way).
