though it is my desire to de-transition and at least try and forget about being trans because i believe no matter what i do, i'll never be cut out for anything other than the life i have and nothing more. those dreams i have are nothing more than pipe dreams. i decided to pull a risky move and go out for a day completely dressed up. i'm not swaying again, this is just for the sake of experimenting because this is not something i've tried yet. of course i'll ask my therapist if its a good idea but at least i can say i tried it. what caused me to go to the decision is i came across a clip on youtube while looking for music and it made me think to myself "hmm, so i want to de-transition due to not finding my footing and the overwhelming expectations, and emotional roller coasters, i still havent tried going out dressed as a female." it maybe risky, stupid and just plan outrageous but at least i again can say i tried everything. thoughts, comments, concerns. lay them on me, and again, this is for the sake of experimentation and is not at all swaying my final choice, its just exhausting all avenues. i go out in my "male" clothes everyday so i thought it be a change to give it one time only shot

I think that it's a good idea, but don't get depressed if you noticed that people stare at you because you don't pass... you aren't on HRT so it's normal, I guess 

From what I understand transitioning is hard, I tried to act like a male inside but it doesn't work... It's easier to ignore and forget, but it's all up to you... If you aren't comfortable as a girl and feel like it doesn't belong to you then just de-transition...

Really Brianna? 

You are no where near ready for this, especially after saying you are going to de transition. What is really going on here? 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 09:04:10 PM
Really Brianna? 

You are no where near ready for this, especially after saying you are going to de transition. What is really going on here? 

i'm hearing my therapist's voice echoing in my head saying why dont you try one of these days and go out fully dressed and see how you feel doing and after. this is by recommendation, not my doing. you all say i should listen to my therapist and do what he suggests so i'm doing the one thing he suggested but never got to it. dont knock me will ya lol

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 09:04:10 PM
Really Brianna? 

You are no where near ready for this, especially after saying you are going to de transition. What is really going on here? 

Yes same here as i said in one of your other hundred treads you need to sloooow down and talk with your therapist to find a game plan.

You have to relax and calm down.

You are reading way to much but you have not found your own discovery through therapy.

SLOW down girl.

Hugs
Isabell

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 17, 2014, 09:18:34 PM
i'm hearing my therapist's voice echoing in my head saying why dont you try one of these days and go out fully dressed and see how you feel doing and after. this is by recommendation, not my doing. you all say i should listen to my therapist and do what he suggests so i'm doing the one thing he suggested but never got to it. dont knock me will ya lol

Ok now tell me in your words what is your official diagnosis from your therapist?

Then tell me what you feel is your diagnosis?

Quote from: mind is quiet now on July 17, 2014, 09:23:00 PM
Yes same here as i said in one of your other hundred treads you need to sloooow down and talk with your therapist to find a game plan.

You have to relax and calm down.

You are reading way to much but you have not found your own discovery through therapy.

SLOW down girl.

Hugs
Isabell

aye aye. we already had this talk and the first thing he said in our first session was " i want you to experiment by either going out for the day fully dressed, going shopping or doing anything else that would seem feminine and thus feed that inner female. afterwards examine how you felt and lets start from there." honestly i dont want to do this but i have to give a reason why i dont want to continue into transitioning because he will hound me. my official diagnosis is PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder and gender identity disorder.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 17, 2014, 09:29:17 PM
gender identity disorder.

Uh this has not existed for a few years now sweetie! 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 09:31:11 PM
Uh this has not existed for a few years now sweetie! 

well thats what the diagnoses is. honestly, if i could show you the letter, i would. maybe he wasnt up-to-date but thats what it is

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 17, 2014, 09:29:17 PM
aye aye. we already had this talk and the first thing he said in our first session was " i want you to experiment by either going out for the day fully dressed, going shopping or doing anything else that would seem feminine and thus feed that inner female. afterwards examine how you felt and lets start from there." honestly i dont want to do this but i have to give a reason why i dont want to continue into transitioning because he will hound me. my official diagnosis is PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder and gender identity disorder.

Ok thank you for that.

to sacrifice that which you hold most dear is to achieve something better, to gain some far greater, you must run the higher risk of losing your very heart. good advice.

Let you with this tonight. Just try and relax some and stop over thinking. That is the anxiety making your mind run. do something to take your mind off the whole thing...... take a break.

Hugs
Isabell

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 17, 2014, 08:57:19 PM
i decided to pull a risky move and go out for a day completely dressed up. i'm not swaying again, this is just for the sake of experimenting because this is not something i've tried yet. of course i'll ask my therapist if its a good idea but at least i can say i tried it.

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 17, 2014, 09:29:17 PM
aye aye. we already had this talk and the first thing he said in our first session was " i want you to experiment by either going out for the day fully dressed, going shopping or doing anything else that would seem feminine and thus feed that inner female. afterwards examine how you felt and lets start from there." honestly i dont want to do this but i have to give a reason why i dont want to continue into transitioning because he will hound me. my official diagnosis is PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder and gender identity disorder.

You just told us a minute ago he TOLD you to do this. Which is it Brianna? 

omg! lol. i'll explain this one more time. my therapist told me i should experiment so i'm finally decided to experiment. since you all are saying its a bad idea right now, i said aye aye as in i'm not going to do it, so i'm going to whip my hands and move on, oh and he wasnt updated on the diagnoses change but the code remains the same so i can totally dispel that confusion and skepticism

I know where you're coming from.
I dress like both genders to evaluate how I
Feel between the two. It helps me at times, other times
It reminds me how bad I want to transition.
I actually have some clothes to give away if you wanna take a whack
At it.

Vampire.....

Go with a friend for support.  But, go.  Worked for me......

I didn't get to respond on your problem with the doctor appointment the other day.  Something similar happened to me.  I went Nov. Dec. and almost though Jan. running around to doctors and a psych about HRT.  Yeah, upset me.  Your journey is just a few steps in this marathon of what I have been through. Buck up hun.

You can do whatever you decide.  But I think, you need to be a little more forceful with the doctors and the psych.

Hugs,

Jen

honestly, my head is hurting now lol. we can reconvene another day. any discrepancies plz do disclose now because i'm now getting mixed messages lol 

yep, if you let others tell you what to do you will get mixed messages. You have to decide what's right. none of us here can tell you what to do. We can offer advice but that's it. Even if it sounds like we are telling you what to do, it's your life and you get to decide. One of the things my therapist likes to say is how she and no one else is the boss of me.

if you stopped trying to appease others, what would you want to do?

It also sounds like maybe the advice from your therapist came a while back and not as a result of current events.

The reason you are getting mixed messages because you are not telling the entire story.

This is a common pattern I've noticed - you create a new thread with a vague paragraph, omitting important details, once people begin suggesting advice or solutions to you, you one-up them by saying, "Well, my therapist told me..." or "Well, I already know that..." It is very inconsiderate to discredit advice by saying you "already know" when you haven't actually specified beforehand - so how are people supposed to know? We are not psychic, my friend!

That's why it is always a good idea to tell your entire story in the original post, to save time and so people do not feel undermined when their advice is nonchalantly brushed off.

People cannot wave a magic wand and have the solutions to your problems. People also cannot help you if you omit important details regarding your therapist sessions or about yourself.

From what you've written, I have gathered this -

- You are struggling to come to terms with your identity
- You have not started social transition
- You have only dressed up once and it was merely experimentation
- You have not started HRT
- You would like to "de-transition" and sacrifice your personal happiness in order to make your mother/others happy.

Firstly, you cannot de-transition if you have not actually started the process. 

Secondly, you are not living your life for others. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with your body and yourself. You will be miserable if you stifle your happiness to make others happy.

Thirdly, I believe any reputable psychiatrist will only grant HRT if they were 110% sure the patient they were treating is of a stable mind and has shown a consistent identity over a period of months, if possible, years. And yes, by then, it is expected of them to be living full-time socially in order for them to see if they either enjoy or dislike living as their desired gender. 

Social transitioning is crucial because it will help give you more experiences, good or bad, to either re-evaluate or re-affirm your identity. Without having experiences, how will you know for sure what you really want?

Nobody, as far as I have seen, has said that experimentation is a bad idea and that you shouldn't do it.

No more excuses.

Try experimenting, even if it's within the comfort of your bedroom.

Imagine yourself walking out to the shopping mall in your favorite attire, walking past a window to see your reflection of the physical appearance you desire - catch that gut feeling before the doubt, fears and self-hatred climbs back in.

Be honest with yourself and go from there. The doubt, fears and self-hatred can be fixed in either therapy or through life experiences, the core of who you are cannot be changed - only accepted.

Am i really leaving out detail? I can swear i am explaining thoroughly about each subject and i dont hide for i'm just straight to the point. So my question becomes, what detail am i leaving out

I guess I should have said the habit of changing your story constantly adds to the confusion and it hinders how much people can support and give you advice.

You have an underlying desire to transition but you also want to de-transition and be "normal" for the sake of keeping others happy, even if it means you will be miserable. You want to experiment and talk to your therapist about it when your therapist had suggested it on the first session but you didn't do it because reasons. You say that people have said it's a bad idea (to experiment?) when nobody has actually ever said that other than expressing concerns about you possibly starting HRT too soon. You want to cut your hair but at the same time, you don't want to.

Take away all your concerns, doubts, fears and self-hatred - you already know what you want, you're stalling and hoping for the chance to be proven wrong but know this:

Who you are will never be wrong. It's natural to fear failure but you cannot fail, hide, break, diminish or destroy who you are deep inside.

All it takes is a leap of faith - you won't know where you will land or if you'll fall. As they say, "It's the journey, not the destination, that matters."