Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 05:40:39 PM
So does this mean you are no longer considering transition?

i'm only going to keep my appointment by recommendation that i at least give it a shot ans see how i feel. other than that, no, i'm no longer considering transitioning, well thats what i want to tell myself. i'm tired of the emotional roller coaster and i'm just not up to the task. if it was a choice of staying invisible and not feeling pain and feeling pain and being happy, well, the choice is painfully clear. if digging into my other issues i have to work on just to mask being trans, i will do that. but of course it will only worsen so i'll find other issues to work on, i'll go running, force myself to swim without a shirt. anything it takes to keep my mind of it, i will do

Girl,

You seriously need to find a good therapist to help you work through your issues.

Seems you are wavering way to much and that in its self makes the waves of depression and emotions worst.

You truly need the help making a realistic plan that will help you settle your mind out.

There is no easy answers, no short cuts.

We all have done the time to come to these understandings and some will always need the extra help and there is nothing wrong with that.

Talk to your therapist please.

Hugs
Isabell

Quote from: mind is quiet now on July 17, 2014, 07:23:18 PM
Girl,

You seriously need to find a good therapist to help you work through your issues.

Seems you are wavering way to much and that in its self makes the waves of depression and emotions worst.

You truly need the help making a realistic plan that will help you settle your mind out.

There is no easy answers, no short cuts.

We all have done the time to come to these understandings and some will always need the extra help and there is nothing wrong with that.

Talk to your therapist please.

Hugs
Isabell

i'll have a serious talk with my therapist when i see him, but i already decided since i'm not up for transition though outward transition would be easier seeing as no one around here knows me, i dont hold a job right now and my guidance counselor is understanding so i can transition at school. its just the rush of emotions after being dead cold for most of my life. i slow rebuild my closet walls but i end up destroying them. i know not choosing personal happiness is a bad choice but its the only way i can deal with this onslaught. maybe someday when i find my place in the world, i'll consider revisiting. i cant really start completely forgetting or trying to forget until i talk to my therapist so as of know, i'm stalled. feels like i'm being selfish though but its the price i have to pay. yes i understand everyone has been there so i'm not putting myself on a high pedestal, its just i'm not up for the task. i was given the assignment and i failed

You didn't fail, you haven't completed it yet.
I'm not even sure if you read the directions yet...
Somewhere in them I'm pretty sure it says something about getting it done with less drama.
You don't need to find your place, you're in the place you need to be.
You need to work with what you have going for you and stop the wishy-washy stuff.
It's like that answer that people give when someone is looking for something and they say it has to be somewhere.
Everything is always somewhere. You just need to look for it so you can find it.
What do we need to do, to help you do that? What do you need?
You talk about it, as if you need and you do get, an answer. What was the question?
Do you know what it is you're really asking? Not the stuff you've been writing about, but the stuff you haven't written about yet.
You've been given the answers to questions you haven't asked yet. Don't discard them because you haven't asked...
You're having a hard time getting to the bottom line here, the questions you really need to be asking.
I get that, it's difficult to do sometimes, for all of us.
You need to ask yourself that one true question for yourself, and if you can't find the answer and need help, ask us again.
Gonna do this, did this and that, tried a little of this over there, but changed your mind...
No, you haven't failed anything, you're just getting started.
What are you going to do today? What is your next step going to be?
What is the real bottom line going to be for you? What's it going to take to get you there?
No, no, no,... You haven't failed. You put your name on the top right corner, not much more than that.
More doing, less drama. Think about what that bottom line is, and we will do what we can, which has already been a lot.
You've been commenting a lot, yet you haven't really said much.
We've been commenting a lot and have told you as much as we can for the little you give us to go on.
Where is the bottom line? What is it? Think about this. You are, like I said before, your own worse antagonist.
Lets get to the real problems here and leave the over dramatized little things for later.
You haven't failed anything, you haven't even asked yourself the question you really want to ask.
You get stuck and then start another topic, which turns into the same thing, as each topic does.
I'm expecting a topic about what kind of sandwich you should have for lunch.
And when someone suggests a really good sandwich, it will turn into drama this and that, woe is me, life sucks, I failed.
It's not as dramatic as you make it, woe is me, life sucks is a quitter talking, saying you failed is someone who doesn't want any of that.
What are you going to do today to make it better? What is the next best step you can take?
You haven't failed, but you are wasting your time if you quit before you have even really started.
Ham and cheese. There's the answer to the sandwich topic. If you're gonna eat it, you're gonna have to chew.
Without the dramatics of eating it when it still has the crusts left on... White or whole wheat?
What are you going to do, what is the next best step to take? We can help, but you gotta chew.
Ativan

Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 17, 2014, 07:46:03 PM
i slow rebuild my closet walls but i end up destroying them. i know not choosing personal happiness is a bad choice but its the only way i can deal with this onslaught. maybe someday when i find my place in the world, i'll consider revisiting. i cant really start completely forgetting or trying to forget until i talk to my therapist so as of know, i'm stalled. feels like i'm being selfish though but its the price i have to pay. yes i understand everyone has been there so i'm not putting myself on a high pedestal, its just i'm not up for the task. i was given the assignment and i failed

You seem to be making this an either or thing when it isn't necessarily. Transitioning may not be right for you, it isn't for me. That doesn't mean these feelings aren't real, or that ignoring them is a good way to go.  I seem to being the complete opposite as you, I like expressing my femininity while still in male form, and yeah not everyone likes it, and some make assumptions that I'm a gay male because of it, but whatever, that has it's perks...

I can relate to many of the feelings here. I am early on, but have known since I was just out of diapers that I felt like I was a girl. I remember trying to convince a girl friend of mine in second grade that I was indeed a girl. But society and family pressured me to closet that feeling and I have pretending, faking and trying to be "the man" ever since. The trouble has been that I can only keep it up for so long until the pressure in my head and heart get too much. I act out. Drugs have nearly destroyed me countless times. I have now been clean for over 3 years and finally have mustered the courage to move forward. In the past, I would get 1 or two years clean and I would just boil over, end up using and running. I don't want to die using. What is worse, my kids facing that or learning who I truly am. I debate that question all the time. One thing I have learned over the years is that change is inevitable, my direction is up to me however. I seek the courage I need from others, hence I'm here, learning and dealing with my feelings. Going slow is important to me. The best advice I ever got was to not make rash decisions. I am very happy to be in therapy. From what I am learning I appear to be a textbook case of gender dysphoria and will benefit immensely from accepting my female self and moving forward. But small steps are vital to me. Unlearning the lies I have lived and learning my inner truth is going to be a life long task. My hope for all of us is that we can find peace, happiness and love. Loving myself enough to be true to myself is the first step. I believe that at any given moment we are right where we are supposed to be and that or next action will lead us forward, if we are honest with ourselves we will progress to where we need to be. We have one life to live, for us and no one else.