You all know how I feel about Susans and the people in here.  It is a deep connection like no other I have experienced.

I was alone, thought I was a freak, was desperate and was cracking up.  Then came professional help and 6 months ago Susans, after blundering into it researching finesteride.

Why do we post?

I post because I want to save lives, and because mine was helped so much.  Because I can be real and not posture.  Because I can show you an authentic, real deal transsexual who still does not have a conventional diagnosis.  Because my raw experience can save a marrage, a life, create comfort, stop loneliness of me or others, and help others avoid the traps I have fallen into.

I draw on and reveal the facets of who I am at core, at crazy, all of it, because the more I show, the more you will not feel alone, or crazy, or desperate.

As an AA member of 30 years I learned to do this.  It is nice to be respected, my self esteem comes from raw compassion and honesty. 

And I have been helped here, cracked up here, had people carry me here, found my diamond of trans in here as it became increasingly clear and bright.

I have lifelong friendships because of here and these posts.  There are those who would fly a thousand miles for me if I was in trouble, to keep me safe.

Why are you here, my dear ones, why do you post?

How have you changed as a result of this place, how do you feel about posting and the lives we touch?

Heady stuff.  May not get replies, but it won't matter, will it?  Because we know we desperately need each other.

Love to all here.

Hi Satinjoy,

I am completely new to Susans and did my first post today.

I am here because I have been batteling with trying to work out who I am and came across something today that made sense to me and who I am.  I am now looking to talk to people who may understand me and help me through this current realisation and acceptance, that I have been looking for for so long.

I am tired, bruised and battered due to spending 37 years trying to figure out who this freak is and what is wrong with me.  it has left me with severe anxiety and no self esteem, but I hope that this is the start of a new chapter of my life.  that chapter is hopefully the acceptance of my true transgender self.

I am very comforted to read how Susans have helped you and that gives me hope that they will do the same for me.

Alex 

You're not a freak baby and the first thing is unconditional love for how you were created and unconditional acceptance.  Others acceptance of your gender perception need not form your acceptance.  We accept you however you are, present, everything.   There are no limits and no rules for gender here.

You are not a freak and neither is anyone else here.  Combined gender presentations, stealth, hidden, normal appearing, whatever, half male half female (me physically) - no freaks at all.  Spirits of truth and grace.  Beautiful with a purpose and a life.  You have this opportunity too.

Thank you Satinjoy.

For the first time in my life I believe that what you are saying is true.  It was hard to know that I wasn't a freak when there was nobody around me that I could connect with and when I felt guilt and shame for not being what society considered "normal".  I now know that I am not a freak and I feel that embracing what I am (and having people in my life that I can talk to and understand what I am saying) is the way forward. 

Alex 

Welcome to the real world dear.

I am off forum for the weekend, I have strict rules about family time.  They gave me a lot when they accommodated my transsexual nature, this is how I give back to them, with devoted time and undivided attention.  I am not able to give all of myself to the forum, I give what I can when I can.

Love to all here.

I feel very similar to you, Alex, being new here myself.

If I might help even one person find their way off the path of depression and suicide I've found myself on, then my life will have some meaning, whatever else may come.

That there IS such a community as this was kind of a revelation for me, since I've been completely alone for so long. It's a huge relief to be able to express things that are important to me without facing hostility. I don't really know anyone here very well yet, but I think I might like to.

So maybe I'll stick around, and that's why I'll keep posting.

I've always liked the diversity here, all sorts of experiences and shades of grey (Yes, I went there...)

In the past Ive been on more exclusively MTF, Andrgyne or Bi forums and I always feel uneasy and isolated

It's the same in my RL support group, I dont visit the MTF group but I do visit the MTF/FTM group. They are starting up a mixed group for younger people now since there seemed to be a need for it, Ill prob switch to that

I guess I'm here for selfish reasons.  I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me, and other people's experiences offer me different possibilities to consider.  Sort of like going through the Goodwill [thrift store] trying things on to see what fits and what looks good.

It's also nice to see that other people are in situations similar to mine, with similar feelings.  It makes me feel less like a space alien (remember the supermarket tabloid headlines: "I had a space alien's baby"?  I've always felt like I was a space alien's baby.)

I post in the hopes that someone will say to me, "yes, that's how I feel, too."  So even if I am a space alien, maybe I'm not the only one.

("Me! Me! Me!"  It's all about me!)

Too many of us have shared that sense of alienation.  Without connections to mentors and others of our kind growing up transgender can be a minefield.  I denied and repressed my real identity for decades and not until the depression overwhelmed me did I seek help.  Satin Joy has articulated nicely how valuable it is to understand, share and learn from others.  Transgender people have always been around.  Now we have better venues for expressing our thoughts and sharing the journey.   

It is only too easy to look in the mirror or hear some transphobic trash talk and feel isolated and freakish.  I sure did and expected to take my once shameful secret to the grave.  Now i have a much more positive outlook and greater reasons for happiness and a bright future.  I too hope that our ability to share here can save others from pain and facilitate a sense of community and caring.   

I post to keep a hold of my sanity, attempt to help reaffirm others, post news and hopefully make some friends (which I've failed at).

I really feel so much better reading these posts and knowing I'm not alone.  It's really great to meet you all and feel so free to be myself

Credit must be given for this topic to Ativan, who triggered it in another thread, slightly off topic, leading me to take the thought and post it.  And for h'er encouragement to keep at it in here, as well as Aisla, Julie, Luna, Tessa and there are so many others that I have deep respect for and hope will stay.  I am afraid I feed off these discussions and they make me stronger and more positive.

I want to be helpful.  And I love sharing strenth and talking about being me, you, all of us.

Love to all here.

Nails out, hair ready, and free to be me.

SJ

There are many reasons why I post, why I read posts and why I reach out - in no particular order

-   Understanding.  Reading and sharing has helped me gain knowledge, a different perspective and a better understanding of myself.  I no longer feel that I am damaged, flawed, a freak, a cosmic joke or a kink addicted curiousity.  In the process I am now more understanding of others and better understand the inherent diversity of humanity and the limitations of binary taxonomy or thinking

-    Learning and self authoring.  The thirst for further understanding has made me more curious, more open to learning and to experimenting, applying and utilising these insights, tools and techniques to reframe my experience, select my path and view my development as an opportunity and responsibility for self authorship.  No longer a victim, the final product, I can see the opportunity and responsibility for my growth and development. This has been as empowering as it has been revelatory

-   Acceptance and celebration.  Following improved understanding and empowerment has been a phase of acceptance and celebration.  Successful therapy - counselling, low dose hrt, androgyny etc has taken me to a wonderful place, one which I had felt unavailable to me and undeserving of 

-   Community.  Knowing the pain I have had, the time and stress that I have invested and incurred I share my experiences and welcome further insight, a contrary perspective and the opportunity to listen to and even help others directly or indirectly on their life journeys and spiritual quest

-   Love.  As I have felt love and support and as I have learned to love myself and to better love and appreciate  others I have found further love and guidance

-   Guidance on roads less travelled to seek authenticity and full expression and leadership.  Folk on Susans, whether directly or indirectly, from current or perhaps forgotten threads, or from the culture of support, energy and family, I have been impelled onward.  Some I see as wise spirits in diverse guise who help advise or advance my path.  Others are generally benevolent in sharing their time, love and effort.

-    Blessing and giving back.  The improbable connections, encounters and friendships at Susans are a blessing - unexpected and cherished.  Current and departed friends loom large in their influence,  respecting and celebrating them demands that we express our lives in a way that shares the understanding, learning, acceptance, community, love, guidance, blessing and opportunity that we have been given by this wonderful family of ours.

Safe travels

Aisla

At first because I felt like I was falling apart, I needed some connection. That was while off the hormones. The first time some years ago having been off of them for 2 years, came here because I was being self-destructive to myself, but once I got passed that, getting back on the hormones again, I left, feeling I got what I needed out of being here. The second time, few years later, once again, no hormones, feelings of hopelessness, wanting to give up, I dig up my old passwords of websites not frequented, found Susan's Place, spent a few days thinking about it, then decided that I'd try this again but this time try to give as much as I get, and that I'd try to socialize more, make some friends, as my biggest issue of late was that I was lonely, alone in all this. I was off of the hormones again but this time only 2 months, but I'm back on them, and I'm still here.

Now, well, it feels like home and I've met some fantastic people that have become really great friends. A few have helped me more than I could ever had expected (took a lot for me to say yes, I need your help, thank you), and another who hasn't even really started transitioning yet (at least not yet on the hormones), but we have some really wonderful conversations that I always look forward to hearing from her and care about her a lot (she has to know this, that she's not alone). I never thought there'd be a time that I'd start really caring about people so much, actually I always have, I just blocked it out, ignored it, it was easier that way, that way I don't hurt and don't hurt anyone else if I get scared away. I want the friendships that I have started here to last, so no more running away. Note to friends, if I ever do, feel free to harass me with tons of emails until I come back to my senses. Or personally come to my house (for those that have my address) and kick my ass. 

Since I don't think I've ever been good with giving advice, most of the time my posts on here are my experiences, relating to what the topic is about, hoping that something I say will have some positive effect on someone else going through a similar rough time. Also, in the case of sharing how my day was each day, as well as showing my face or a new outfit or few, well that's just me sharing who I am now, my attempt at getting myself out there instead of hiding away as I'd done too many years of my life. And, even though on the internet for all to see, not just trans people, I feel I can be myself here, totally opening up, far more than I ever had before, even telling intimate details that would've embarrassed me to talk about before. Maybe its a sign that I'm getting older, maybe I've simply just become more accepting of myself, I don't know. Maybe its just time, tired of being alone, time for a change.

My only thing, I still have yet to be able to get myself to initialize conversation, be the first to make a move, I still sit back and wait. Sometimes after reading someone's post I think, I should PM her (or him), tell her how pretty she is, or that I agree with what she said, or just to say hi, but I haven't yet, I still don't know why I always hold back. Maybe in due time that will change and I'll be the first to go to someone else. I'm working my way up to that. And if I don't end this post now I'm going to start rambling, one sentence will lead to another related one and before you know it I'm off topic. So shutting up now.

I post for many reasons:-

- to let others know that there is a chance of avoiding binary transition, worst case, delaying it.
- to inform others gently, when they may be making possibly dubious choices, and advise alternatives
- to connect with others and give and receive encouragement

I document my low dose HRT experiences here, hoping that they may provide clarity for those who are questioning.  Sometimes I wish I could reveal more of myself, but the need to protect those dearest to me precludes that.  In any case, I have revealed sufficient of myself here that an astute observer would have a pretty good profile of who I am.

In many ways, I could be considered done with Susans, if I were looking for what I could gain for myself.  I have my HRT, validated what I am doing against the experiences of others here, and am in a reasonable place.  But to leave would be selfish, as I see the vulnerability of some who come here.

Someday, I will have to leave, to allow for further personal growth.  But till then, I hope to be helpful.

Even if one is a loner, everyone has to reach out to another. Other people give us support and communication which everyone of us needs. Also birds of a feather always end up flocking together for our common needs. And everyone wants to feel needed and loved.
There are many different reasons to post.

Susan's literally saved my life! Now that I am well into transition I feel the call to return that favor to someone else who was like me, scared and alone. If what I have gone through helps then I am successful and kind of feel like a proud Momma! 

Quote from: Asche on July 18, 2014, 06:27:41 PM
I guess I'm here for selfish reasons.  I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me, and other people's experiences offer me different possibilities to consider.  Sort of like going through the Goodwill [thrift store] trying things on to see what fits and what looks good.

It's also nice to see that other people are in situations similar to mine, with similar feelings.  It makes me feel less like a space alien (remember the supermarket tabloid headlines: "I had a space alien's baby"?  I've always felt like I was a space alien's baby.)

I post in the hopes that someone will say to me, "yes, that's how I feel, too."  So even if I am a space alien, maybe I'm not the only one.

("Me! Me! Me!"  It's all about me!)

Shoo you, Oscar!

Anyway, yes, that's how I feel too

I have read this over more than a few times, someone adds a comment, and I end up reading it all over again.
It's really good. Each post adds something unique and it expands the ideas of the other ones.
It would be an easier question if it was 'Why do we Read? Why do we feel Connected?'.
I read each and every post on this section. The diversity amazes me.
The connections, the threads of ideas that become concepts that are new and unique.
I read and reread quite a few of the posts here, every time I read one that reminds me of one in a different topic, I need to go and read it again.
The meanings change at times, I read a comment and it changes the meaning of a comment somewhere else, usually in the same topic, but not always.
There are times that the topics become something else as an idea or concept comes up. Drifting.
I see that and realize how much more important the comments have become.
So I do have to go back and read them again because the context has changed in ways that warrant a new look at a previous comment, that changed the meaning of the topic into something new and different.
Information that has a value to me, to others. it's a pretty amazing thing to see actually...
I try to join in by making my own comments, hoping to be able to add something of value to a discussion.
I guess that's why i post, hoping to be able to reach out and touch someones life in a positive way, just like yours do.
I failed miserably at that yesterday... and again today. I didn't really want to post anything more, anywhere else.
But I've read and reread this line of thought and I have nothing to add, you've all said it in ways that are more than what I can add to it.
It has value to it, the answers to a couple seemingly simple and easy questions to ask.
The comments speak for themselves, they come from the heart.
That turned the questions into something bigger than I think I can really answer.
Ativan

Since many/most of us have limited opportunity to discuss the trans experience (fraught with struggles of identity, fear/anxiety of becoming who we are), we turn to and reach out to those with related experiences.  An Internet message board also offers us a relatively "safe" space to discuss our lives that we won't find in Real Life.  Some cisgender people can help, but it is typically out of their zone to relate, particularly since trans spans many possibilities very few people are even aware of yet -- we more often have to educate them after the fact when they (or even other trans) misunderstand us, and it's hard for one to do that unless one can affirm their particular gender flavor is really a thing.