Yes, this thread is really affirming.

I was one of those really young ones. I like how others have talked about roles. Long before I understood gender I identified with men. My dad, brother, neighborhood boys. I played with boys. I played boy games. When I was about 4 I was with a bunch of boys and they had a contest to see who could pee the farthest. My brother (older) told me I couldn't do it. I was devastated. I was supposed to be a boy.

My family was insane and abusive but I still fought all things girl. By the time I was 6 or so, they'd pretty much given up trying to put me in dresses or girl clothes. At that time we were pretty broke so I was wearing my brother's hand me downs and I loved it. I once got a doll as christmas/hanukkah birthday and sobbed.

When I started school there was a boys and girls line. I got in the boys. I found it upset and confusing that I kept getting laughed at and told to go into the girls. I tried to pretend I was just joking while still getting into the line I felt I belonged. When I got enough trouble from the teacher that I gave up on the boys line I would try to stand somewhat out of the girls line since I didn't belong there.

When I was 11 there was a show on transgender on the Phil Donahue (anyone remember that show?). I turned to my mom and said maybe I could do that. My mom pointed out the people on the show were all men turning into females and she had that tone that said "drop this conversation now".

Then puberty hit and I went through a stage where I tried really hard to be a girl. I tried makeup, got a perm, etc. I hated it. I hated my body changing, but it also seemed inevitable so I gave up. By that time my family situation had gotten so bad I was in survival mode anyway.

Someone else mentioned this. I have always *hated* having my picture taken and I never quite understood why, until recently. I hated seeing that female in the picture. It was not me. Now when my picture gets taken  I don't experience that dysporphia. I tended to avoid looking in mirrors and when alone would often stick my tongue out at myself. It was partly because I didn't like what I saw and partly because there was this disconnect between the image and myself. Seeing the goofy, tongue sticking-out me in the mirror would confirm it was me.

I also developed an eating disorder. Some of that related to past abuse but a lot of it was trying to get rid of any female feature. If I could just get flat enough... of course that was an unachievable goal. The only time I truly liked my body was when I was doing physical activity.

Ok, that's a super long answer. I've never been able to answer that question before so sorry I said so much. And thank you for this post.

I'll have to admit that I never suspected that I could be trans* until recently when I researched more about it through the internet and even after that I still have doubts that I really am. Well... I can't tell you that I always knew my gender or that I always had the signs that I could be since I used to daydream most of my life, probably as a way to cope with the bullying in my childhood. So... What makes me think that I could be trans*? In the past few months I've been questioning my gender, wanting to act and dress like the opposite sex to be accepted by them, feeling depressed constantly, suicidal thoughts haunted me, thinking that I'd never be the man I always wanted to be made me cry sometimes, not being able tobe myself hurted me a lot. After finally telling myself that I was a man, these feelings became much more bearable. I became more aware of what I'm doing right now and worry about my body much more, I feel happier and now I can see a future in which I'm happy. I don't feel like the depressed little girl anymore.

As you can see, my experience is very different from anybody else, that pretty much makes me think that I might not even be trans at all, but I don't think that any sort of different experience should be discarted since we all live different lifes, make different choices and have different beliefs, though I'm not asking for anyone to believe that I'm trans since even I have some doubts about it. I'm just saying that you don't need to figure out your gender exactly the same way every trans people did, the only thing you need to have in common with them is the fact that you identify with a different gender from the one you were assiged at birth.

Quote from: Aisla on July 17, 2014, 01:46:27 AM
Jess

It makes sense as it does sound a lot like me.

Aisla

Thanx Aisla. It's nice to know that I ain't the only one that kind of feels like both at the same time.

Even though I now have that precoius and affirming F on my state ID, my gender at this point is trans*   As a child my big sister named me Tessa and I was her make believe sister.  Then grade school assured me I was really not like the other boys and I dreamed of becoming a mom and feeding my babies like my mom did.  I hated haircuts and liked the stereotypical girl's roll of cooking and caring for kids. I changed enough diapers to know about anatomy but that dream remained until puberty.  Puberty meant ugliness, boners and zits while my sister got pretty and grew breasts.  I became a full time cynic at 13 and hid my "sissy" ways and attraction for guys.  I did my best to be the man I was "supposed to be" got married and did my wartime stint in Vietnam.  There I met my first adult male lover and knew with certainty that I was not a man at all.  I still did not feel I was a woman but felt the constant presence of a feminine shadow.  I accepted my queer sexual orientation but lived thru decades of denial and repression before the lightning struck and I had my next epiphany.

  I Know myself as transgender and it helps makes sense of my life and for my identity.  For me that means gender has some fluidity based on acceptance and this amazing experience of transition.  I sometime feel like a hybrid person; an old girl in a new puberty and like I might eventually feel more like a woman.  Out for almost 2 years now I recognize how uncertain transition can be and welcome a future yet unfolding.  I do feel much happier and even see "her" in the mirror now.  What a fabulous ride.

I dont know but I know that when I look in the mirror in the morning I dont cry anymore and I acutally like what I look like and am more inclined to take care of myself as i want to be around as long as i can as I want to be with those I love and who love me. Before I changed what i looked like I just hoped to die.