I suppose I'm a 20 year old... male... I guess.

Basically I've got... strange feelings that I can't discuss with anyone hence why I guess I came here.
Since I was 10 (might have been earlier but I honestly can't remeber) I've had strange dreams about begin a girl and living a happy life as a girl. No biggie, I suppose everyone has those at some point. However as I've gotten older these feelings have become stronger manifesting in strange ways as I make concessions to the feelings as coping mechanisms. I suppose it's relevant to mention some of the things I've done.

1: Growing my hair long, As I can pull it off. although I got some complaints from family members they have no suspicion of anything greater.

2: Epilating my facial hair and body hair... A strong hate has arisen for my masculine characteristics as I've gone through puberty, I intend to eventually get one of those home electrolysis kits and remove it permanently.

3: Crossdressing as convincingly as I can and introducing myself online as female and when queried about some personal detail offering those photographs as images of myself (As it is actually a picture of me I don't feel like i'm lying. Although I technically am... I think...)

4: Late at night I do try to put on a female voice. Although It's not bad My Parent even accused me once hostility of inviting a girl around late at night. And that made me smile with glee not helping my situation at the time. Thinking it was a smile of guilt.

5: One time when I gained abit of weight rather than thinking anything typical or conventional I thought.
"Hey thats not so bad I might even grow some cute boobs." Thats not a good response.

6: I also feel happy and warm and complimented whenever someone mistakes me for a girl... Usually cuz of  the long hair. I suspect socially I'm supposed to feel bad and insulted about such mistakes. But I can't.

I'm sure I've done other strange things but can't remeber. Thing is I'm worried because these feelings are continuing to get stronger whereas I thought they would fade somewhat after puberty (I presumed the feelings were associated insecurities about my changing body) They haven't.

Whereas my 'Strangest Feelings' consisted of harmless activities since the start of this year my hatred is becoming fixed more strongly on my Testis.

I have a desire to... Urr... destroy them, This is certainly not normal either. As a person who used to self harm and the fact that I'm studying a biology degree starting end of this month, I would not doubt my ability to clamp arteries and remove my testis but I do doubt my ability to seal the arteries and close the wound safely with sutures
Although I can repress this want at the moment... it only takes one stressful moment when I cannot cope with other things to do something alittle rash and unwise. Or even worse the feeling may continue to get stronger while my coping mechanisms remain unchanged.. And I have to submit that way.

Ultimate problem is nobody in my life even suspects so I can't possibly tell them and I have no life-lines of help, I'm not even certain what I have counts as a real problem hense why I'm unwilling to refer to myself as female here.
Ostensibly to this doubt I'm unwilling to go get 'Professional Council' Other transsexual stories I've heard they knew from childhood, I didn't. and I've been brought up as a boy with no obvious signs of early rejection... Current rejection only manifesting as a silent encroaching creep.
Although not a conventional male in personality I'm certainly not a conventional female either (Interests: Biology, Computers, Politics, Art, Psychology) and I'm worried about them saying "Oh yeah you don't have a problem it's just lacking confidence." And then I go off and do previously mentioned reckless activity in a deranged effort prove to myself.

So yeah I don't want to mangle myself... But I don't want to admit a problem exists either as I can repress it... help? What do real people think is happening to me?

Hey Pebbles (is there something else you'd rather be called?)! And welcome to Susan's.

First off, relax! You're amoungst friends here. Everything you're saying is actually rather common here. If you read around, you'll see that we all have our own unique stories - there is no one "right" way to be, or to have been. There's a LOT of variety in everyone's childhoods and needs, though a lot of similarities too. In the end, you gotta figure out what's best for you and you alone.

The first recommendation I'll make is to track down a therapist in your area who has experience with gender identity issues. We can help as best we can here, and offer support, but we're not therapists... and always keep in mind that most of us are ALSO struggling with our own issues, which can sometimes bias the advice you receive. STILL though, it's a wonderful place, and I'm glad you found us!

For what it's worth, many people don't figure this out until they're older. Not everyone knows exactly what's going on since birth... many say they knew something was "different" about them, but didn't put the pieces together until later. Though they say in hindsight, it seems like a "duh!" kinda thing, lol.

Oh, and NO DO IT YOURSELF SURGERIES!!!! Yes, I understand the urge, and you'll find that many people here share it. But look, if nothing else, consider that you MIGHT want SRS down the road, and butchering yourself might mess up the parts a surgeon would use for it.

Welcome again, and don't forget to check out the Site Rules

~Kate~

Yep, you sound like a normal transgendered to me.
I have to agree with everything that Kate said. You're lucky that you're starting to realize this at the age you're at and that there are these forums available. When I was your age these forums didn't excist yet and you just didn't know where to turn to for help.
So for this reason it took me a long time to figure this all out. Heck! I didn't even know that I was transgendered for the longest time, I just knew there  was something different about me. At times it was really hard to come to terms with.
I think you'll enjoy being here and being able to talk with people that understand you.
When I found this forum and read the posts, I knew this is where I belong.
So, Welcome to Susans.

First off you need to calm down and look inside yourself and ask yourself if you want to live as a female full-time.

Second don;t pose as something that you are not(a female online) because you could go to jail for that maybe(online fraud.)

I also agree with Kate don;t detroy you genetalia because you don;'t like it because thats dangerous in my opinion. If you find out that want a female gentalia that let the doctor who is perfroming SRS transform your genetalia from a male genetalia to a female gentalia. I don't know hoe exactly the doctor transforms a genetalia from one gender to another but I think the doctor would need your total male genetlia to form a female one.

Hey pebbles welcome!!! I had those same dreams, been there. I'm starting out here @ 37 y/o and I'm still very male (unfortunately) and going through a lot of the same depression, I also used to self mutilate (forearms usually). Luckily I have been given great advice here and have been given web sites that gave me info. for TS counsling here in Phoenix, Az.

I haven't called anyone yet. I'm still trying to figure all of these feelings out myself, with little luck and I'm a Sub. abuse / Behavioral health EMT, so go figure. Good luck, find a good counselor. I wish I would've started back when I was 20.

Keep us posted, come back often

I know what you mean with the whole testes thing. I'd never act on it though. You're in the same boat as a lot of people. 

I don't know of any therapists in the area I live in UK currently in Hampshire however i'm moving to Essex in a few weeks so if you anyone of you know of a therapist in the area. I don't see how I could talk to them. o-o It's alot harder when your telling people your deepest secrete face to face and you don't know anyone else who engages in such strange actions relating to these strong but confusing feelings. And there's the fear I poorly articulate my feelings get treated with strong skepticism and then go do something very stupid.

And of course I don't lie on financial online forms it's just online friends who haven't met me in real life. And then when pressure arises to see me or know stuff about me I say i'm female and show pictures of me crossdressing in casual wear and when chatting about life events I merely swap my gender around. I've had little to no Skepticism in the several years I've been doing this.

I asked myself some of the probing questions that you people asked;
"Would you want to live full time as female?"
Two Criteria must be met before I can be happy in doing that. 1st: I need to be more convincing, ALL Masculine features must be destroyed and I would need least ONE female physical trait . 2nd: Of my Friends and Family I need the emotional acceptance of ONE of those groups. Both would be ideal but one is the minimum.

"If you could get SRS today would you accept?"
Yes... I possess Extreme hostility towards my testis, And I am emotionally despondent towards my penis.
although a strong desire *for* a Vagina hasn't manifested yet inside me and I think is currently ahead of schedule. Having a vagina wouldn't upset me like possession testis are. I would probably accept it happily in time.

In SRS I'm trading a Neutral and 2 Negatives for another different Neutral. It sounds like a good deal even if it's painful it's substantially less painful than performing it myself which I am tempted to do even at massive risk to my own life.

Kate has the point hun

listen to her!!!