While showering this morning, once again noticing a lot of hair falling out of my head it started to upset me. Been taking the finasteride for 8 days now, since starting first few days diarrhea, after that super oily hair and skin which has also been causing me to smell like a man, zits started showing up on my nose and all over my chest several days ago, and head hair has been coming out in clumps, and since yesterday noticed my mood has declined, moving towards the negative. Okay, so read up some more on this stuff, shedding lots of hair at first is normal they say, still, don't like it because the only times I shed hair this bad are those times when not on the hormones such as long before ever taking them and that 2 years that I was off of them. What I worry about particularly, they say that the hair will grow back, but a thought I had, now that it got me to shed a ton, any regrowth will be reliant on the finasteride now, so will it just fall out again once I stop taking it and never grow back on its own therefore making me even more thinned out than I was before starting it, or will everything that was before ever taking it just go back to normal again?
I told my mom after she came to pick me up later after work that I was thinking of not taking it anymore, stop now before any damages from it become permanent. She told me that she noticed all the hair in the tub drain, got worried because it was lots more than usual. Also confirmed that I have been a bit snippy lately, this because I seemed to be in a bad mood for no apparent reason today when she'd notice I was barely talking and anything I was saying were abrupt like I was angry and past few days not smiling as much as I was at first. She kept telling me before that my hair was fine, and asking me if I was sure that I wanted to be taking this stuff, I wasn't sure myself, but figured give it a try and see where it goes. I know 8 days isn't long enough to see any positive results but still, do I really need to take it that bad, I don't think so. Is the vanity worth all the possible negatives? Besides the crap is expensive, the amount I spend each month on it I could be saving up for an orchiectomy instead, which I should be doing.
So at work, tackle HBC again, trying to knock down that mountain of boxes, got 69 boxes done yesterday, 99 done today, still twice of that count left to go. I was irritable, too much thoughts on what to do about whether to continue the finasteride or not and just general grumpiness and a depressive like state as if I wasn't even on the hormones, I would occasionally slam a box down or crush it hard when breaking it down, my aggressive side showing, and I was seeing it. That is not the state of mind I want to be in. Sure, there are days when one isn't going to be all peachy, but if this current behavior is a result of the finasteride I don't want it, nor the super oily skin and zits, I didn't have those all my years on estrogen and I'm not going to. Tonight I'm just going to take the estradiol only, should've been that way to begin with. I'm still wonder even if that's enough. Sure my mood overall is fine, not self destructive as I was while off of them, but what I'm not getting are the drastic results I was feeling while on the injections. My breasts swelled a little when first starting on the tablets, but that's it, nothing since then though, and still getting hard every morning, not as much or as long lasting but still am. I know the finasteride is also supposed to help with this, but if the estradiol is enough dosage then that alone should be enough, not sure yet if it is. My face does appear a little softer than those 2 months off of hormones, but still sprouting lots of chest hairs as if not on them, if I were on the injections I wouldn't be having any of this, probably just need more time.
Once mom picked me up after work we headed over to the grocery store, mostly because we needed to get quarters for laundry later, but picked up some food as well. Once home first I checked to see if I sold any of my cross-stitches, figured that, nope, not a single bite. Hmm, even at 1 and a half cents per stitch and its a no, well, that sucks. I took Snickers out, emptied the trash, then after made a late lunch for mom and I, chili with corn chips, then sat down to a movie. We had stopped at the Redbox machine before leaving the grocery store and picked out two movies, Robocop and another called Elysium. We watched the Robocop one, a remake of the kick ass 80's movie. Like most remakes, it was more of a reimagining, using the general idea but being very much different from the original source. But unlike some that disappoint, like Man of Steel or Total Recall, this one both of us actually enjoyed (Red Dawn was another good one), sure the original just can't be beat, but this one was actually pretty good, well worth watching, kept me enthralled. I don't know what was wrong with me today but that bowl of chili wasn't enough, I ate a plate of left overs from last night's meal as well and a package of peanut butter chocolate Poptarts as well as a package of chocolates ones too. After the movie was over, struggling to stay awake I went to lay down, get some sleep, mom did the same, and the dog. Woke up like an hour ago, 2 hours rest, still feeling tired but needed to get up, don't want to sleep too much so early. I don't go back to work again until Thursday, yeah, lots of days off, too many.
I stitched for a bit while mom and I watched Elysium, that was pretty good too. So, two good movies, not bad for a dollar something each. After that we started laundry. While whatever clothes were in the dryers we decided it was a good time to return those movies, took Snickers with us so she'd have herself a short buh-bye ride. By the time we got finished with all of the laundry it was after 1am.
