I started sharing this in another topic, but it might fit better here, instead.

I've been thinking really hard about how and why I hate being male, lately. My first inclination is to say "yes, I hate being a man." But when really reflecting on it, I don't think that's quite true. I hate myself for not feeling much like the man I am supposed to be.

I hate when I look into the mirror or a photo and do not see myself in the image I see, no matter how much my reflection may move when I tell it to.

I hate when I open up to someone I'm romantically interested in, and to this day I'm invariably rejected for being myself, because they are more interested in having the man they see.

I hate that, to fulfill societal expectations, I have to bury my true self deep inside in order to project a shell which can emulate what people want from me. I hate that, even through this shell, there are fundamental aspects of being male I cannot emulate, and I hate myself for not wanting to. Even when I'm really trying to be a man, it's not man enough.

I hate that when I actually try to share my feelings, express empathy for others, or even just interest in many things I care about, the best thing I can expect from my family and friends is mockery. And it's so often much worse.

And through all this, I can't say I have the inclination to actually transition into what I know will make me happy. Though it is mostly because I am far, far too terrified to go through with it, for a lot of reasons. And I hate myself for that fear, too.

Did anyone ever feel like this, pre-transition? If you've experienced that same terror, I have nothing but the utmost admiration for you. How do you overcome it?

I can understand and relate to alot of what you said:

Quote from: Jera on July 21, 2014, 12:29:48 AM
I hate when I look into the mirror or a photo and do not see myself in the image I see, no matter how much my reflection may move when I tell it to.

I never liked the person looking back at me in the mirror, even when i tried really hard to look good and masculine it was never enough and it made me hate myself even more. I didnt like taking photos and when I did I never smiled or appeared to be happy in them so looking at them just makes me depressed. I dont even think I personally have photos of myself in my house.

I hate that the cliche norms that you're a man and thats your responsibilty to do certain chores or acts or youre not supposed to like those things and liking them revokes your "man card" as if I have to maintain this in order to be in good graces with society.

Lastly I hate that I lived so long trying to fit in and live up to everyone else expectations and goals that I passed by on so many years of happiness where I could have been a person that didn't hate themselves.

I'm done trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, and I'm just going to be me.

Jera,

I have.  I still experience it from time to time if I'm being honest, and I've been living full-time as myself for two years now.  When I was first struggling to come to terms with my gender identity, I spent a lot of time trying to be a better man-I was always effeminate, and I liked it that way, but all of a sudden I found myself trying to lift weights, build muscle mass, and wear tank tops all the time.  It was just a front though, and in time I let it go.

I'm not you, and no two transgender experiences are ever the same.  But it sounds to me that you are probably trying to be what our deranged society defines as manly as a type of reaction formation-you feel yourself to be female, but are trying to be male as you fight against coming to terms with yourself.  If you look in a mirror, and you wish you saw a woman, or you wish you could act in a way that is more stereotypically feminine, or you feel your body is wrong, you are trans-and trying to be a manlier man probably isn't going to fix that.

Frankly, it is terrifying to be standing at the precipice of your transition with no allies, friend, or family to support you.  I transitioned almost entirely alone-that is, I took the plunge without telling anyone except my parents, and even then we never discussed the issue again since they still take issue with my identity.  The day I left high school, I was a girl, and I never looked back.  I worried that I was going to die alone.  I worried that I wouldn't be safe living as myself, or that I wouldn't be taken seriously.  And most of all, I worried I would fail.  But I haven't.

There are still times I feel like I've failed-I still haven't been able to keep down a steady relationship, I'm still working through a lot of things in my personal life, and I still feel terrible about my body.  When I look in the mirror, I still don't see the person I want to see-but for the first time, I do see myself. 

Fear is only natural, and it's something you're going to have to face at one time or another.  For all of my fear of failure, one day I realized that while transitioning might be an uphill battle, if I did nothing I was going to die.  So I set out on my journey, and I've come so far already.  And soon, you're going to find the courage to set out on your own journey.  It isn't going to be easy, but one day, you're going to look in a mirror and you might not see the person you want to be-but you will see yourself.  And it's going to feel really great.

Best wishes,
Sasha

I know where you've been-feel free to PM me any time.  It's always good to have someone to talk too about this stuff

My transition probably would not have happened if I hadn't been so terrified of it. I used to think that all girls felt like men, and that everyone else was just better at knowing how to act than I was. I used to think that if I could be more of a human and less like a robot then I might be able to figure out how to be a real girl. I hated myself for failing so hard at being normal. I used to think that if I could just get to a doctor, or a shaman, or a religious figure or something, then it would all be explained and I could get fixed and I wouldn't feel so wrong. I mean, how could it be that this is an unnamed thing that isn't solvable?

Anyway, that went on for most of my life. Sometimes I would live as male, but I didn't have words for why I was doing it, and I didn't know how to make it stick. If I had ever been able to be at ease with being a girl then I would not have changed a thing. Fear got so sickening that I had to do something.

I'm sorry people are being so awful to you. Part of how I managed was by adopting and fighting for nontraditional gender traits. I still think that's important, even if my opinions (as a visibly male person) aren't usually taken seriously on that topic anymore.

I dearly appreciate the compassion here more than I know how to express.

I think my biggest fear is actually my family. They don't exactly support me now, but they're all I have. If I were to come out to my brothers and father, there is zero doubt in my mind they would disown me. These are the types of people who will call me "abomination" to my face, and never speak again. As much as I despise them sometimes, I love them too, and I don't know if I'd be able to deal with the heartache.

My mother is gravely ill, but she's also the only one who might support me. She's growing less judgmental than the rest, since she doesn't think she has long. She's the only one who suspected the truth about me when I was growing up, even if I never outright admitted it to her. But her health is so poor, that shock could be what actually kills her, and I couldn't forgive myself for that. But if she dies before I can tell her, that might not be any better.

And if I continue to do nothing, I know I'm placing myself at risk. About two weeks ago, I was minutes away from suicide (again, I've actually made the attempt before), which is why I'm trying so hard to reach out somehow now.

I'm at a crossroads, and none of the paths before me look like a good one. I know there's no good answers for my life, much less easy ones. But thank you so much for your compassion, and for just letting me share. I have nowhere else to do it.

Coming out to your mother might be really important. I understand that doing things that might rile up a person near the end of their life isn't usually a good idea, but a lot of people still wish they could have said something when they had a chance. My own parents are doing fine (as far as I know) and aren't in much contact with me, but telling my dad was a big milestone. His reaction was almost beside the point, it just felt like it mattered to say it.

Family stuff is hard. I personally just had to let it go after it got too obvious that my own family was not healthy to be around, but most situations aren't that simple. You have to figure out what you need and how patient you can be.

I'm glad you're sharing here. Susan's is a great place and you'll find lots of people who are willing to connect and talk about stuff. The suicide thing, I don't know what to say about that. It's easy for me to fight that because I have a kid and a cat who would be alone without me, but I certainly feel it. Just keep in mind that when people die, it affects everyone. I know that doesn't address how to make it easier.

Quote from: Jera on July 21, 2014, 02:53:50 AM
I dearly appreciate the compassion here more than I know how to express.

I think my biggest fear is actually my family. They don't exactly support me now, but they're all I have...

About two weeks ago, I was minutes away from suicide (again, I've actually made the attempt before), which is why I'm trying so hard to reach out somehow now...

I'm at a crossroads, and none of the paths before me look like a good one. I know there's no good answers for my life, much less easy ones. But thank you so much for your compassion, and for just letting me share. I have nowhere else to do it.

Jera

You appear to have 3 options - do nothing, take small steps, commit to transition.  The first option does not seem to be tenable in anything but the short term.  The third option appears to be the 'thermonuclear option that you fear will blow your family apart.  That leaves the second option.

The second option would normally include working with a good gender therapist to understand who you are, how to accept and how to express yourself.  If you are confirmed as trans* it is likely that you will then be referred to an endo.  At this point you will have access to low dose hrt which is almost guaranteed to quieten the demons (aka dysphoria) in your head.  This will buy you peace and time to decide where you wish to head and to plan your route. 

The speed, nature and extent of any change is largely up to you and if you decide to transition in stealth via small steps then this is fine as it it will be less noticeable to your family and you can work out how best to communicate with or to manage your family. 

It is also possible that along the way you may find that you are not MTF and that you may identify as non binary.  In either case, developing an increasingly more feminine or andro aspect is something you can progress at a pace that suits your situation without the debilitating effect of GD.  I think that this could be a good answer but it needs to be your answer and you will need to own it.

Safe travels

Aisla

That does sound like a good plan, Aisla. The only problem is it might be six months before I can move to a city that actually has a therapist capable of dealing with all my issues, and also be able to actually afford them.

I suppose step one is just keeping myself alive until then. So maybe overcoming my terror of actually speaking to anyone about this can wait a bit.

Thanks everybody.

I spent the majority of my nearly 60 years on this planet trying in vain to live up to what I was taught to be others expectations of me and as a guy. I took that training and piled even more on it until I became, in essence, a caricature of a guy. A barely 2 dimensional Hollywood facade. One that was so vulnerable I lived in constant fear of it falling away to expose my deep dark secret.

When the excrement hit the air handler, once again, several years ago I realized many to most of my life issues started with how I was NOT Handling being trans. After a lot of working my self I am slowly getting a handle on who the real me is. Most importantly, I have also gained self worth and self esteem after a lifetime of hating me. Since I was such a phoney, anything I achieved in life was the ill gotten goodies of a fraudster.

Today, making a transition decision is a lot harder than ever. Today I can look back at my life and truly believe I deserved all the great things I worked hard to achieve. Which naturally extends into thinking being a guy hasn't been all that horrible after all.

Yet, a substantial part of this journey I've been on also included actually being out in the real world as the real me. I discovered joy. I accepted happiness into my life. I saw I am also able to achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. (Not total RLE but pretty close). I know, or believe I do,  where my true joy lies. Also a very scary path with unknown outcomes and possible great overal costs to my life. A cost that includes loosing other important aspects of how I define who I am and brings me great joy.

For now, I know a full transition is not a viable option. My dysphoria is not all that bad, nor has it ever been so bad that I was a member of the transition or die club. In a few more years I hope to be on far better financial grounds. I am also seeing greater and greater acceptance of Joanne by my wife. The sense of betrayal after I dropped the T-Bomb is mostly gone. She is seeing a far happier, healthier, self actualized person. She is beginning to trust me now that I am going to be here for her in the long haul, that I do want her in my life, love her and even like her.

Quote from: JoanneB on July 21, 2014, 01:08:22 PM
When the excrement hit the air handler, once again, several years ago I realized many to most of my life issues started with how I was NOT Handling being trans. After a lot of working my self I am slowly getting a handle on who the real me is. Most importantly, I have also gained self worth and self esteem after a lifetime of hating me. Since I was such a phoney, anything I achieved in life was the ill gotten goodies of a fraudster.

Today, making a transition decision is a lot harder than ever. Today I can look back at my life and truly believe I deserved all the great things I worked hard to achieve. Which naturally extends into thinking being a guy hasn't been all that horrible after all.

It sounds like you feel some genuine value in who you were trying to be. Would you change it, if you could, and face yourself much earlier? Or would you do it all over again?

Quote from: Jera on July 21, 2014, 02:59:57 PM
It sounds like you feel some genuine value in who you were trying to be. Would you change it, if you could, and face yourself much earlier? Or would you do it all over again?

Back in my early 20's I twice "Experimented with transitioning". The first was right after college. The second was right after my practice marriage. Both times I decided it wasn't for me, in large part to the ton of baggage I had. Plus I was a target most of my childhood. I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the prospect of a lifetime of it when every time I looked in the mirror I saw some guy in a dress.

So, in essence, I did face myself earlier. Both times seeing I was ill prepared for such a major upset. Even today, after several major disasters in my life rooted to being trans, I have absolutely no regrets over not transitioning back then. The time just was not right in so many ways for me then.

Today just may turn out to be "The Rightest" time to transition, or it may not. Today, for sure, is the rightest time to concentrate on today's priorities of my relationship with my wife, her physical and emotional health, my emotional health, and our shared hopes wishes and dreams.

I cannot imagine there are many totally enlightened people out there who do not wish or think of "things could have been different if..." I for one am not that enlightened. The trick is make the most of what yo got to work with. One of the things I learned early on being a target that has helped me immensely later in life. Especially handy these days if I start heading into that space of regret for not winning the gene pool lottery comparing myself to other women.

I really don't think anyone can overcome the fear. More or less you have to face it and decide which is worst, the dysphoria or the fear of unsurity.

Also when you talk of societal norms, you can only surpress who you are for so long until it starts affecting your mental health. Whether transition or not, you have to be you and express it and forget about societal norms. In other words don't let society define you but rather you define yourself and let society either accept you or deny you.

This thread gets to the heart of my issues also. I have known who I am since I was a very small child but have built myself a massive closet, wife, kids and all. I love my family immensely and don't want to tear it apart. I feel like if I don't come out and transition I will end up tearing it apart by going back to drugs like I have my whole life. Therapy is helping and Aisla has great advice.  Go slow. I feel so much better than I did before I made the decision to finally move forward as my female gender but I get horrible panic attacks when I get too caught up in what I think is going happen. I have learned in recovery to keep things in the present and doing this I have had a wonderful day and more good days than bad the past few weeks. I just have to remind myself to get back to 'now's when I feel the walls closing in. The bad moments suck enough, I don't want to create more by getting caught up in the future.  I know it's alot easier said than done, but it's helping me.

This thread brings back the memory of a lot of sadness, darkness, fear, and desperation.  The only reason to hate being a male is if you are not one.  That was the beginning and the end of my struggle.  I spent a lifetime trying to be something I was not.  It wasn't that I hated the person, It was simply that when I looked at myself in the mirror it was always someone a little bit foreign, and in some ways a little bit gross who looked back at me.

Jera, you mentioned that there is this six month period before the window of talking to a gender specialist is possible.  I don't know where you are, but if your gender bell has gone off that is a long time.  You can probably do it, but only if you can take being the best you that you can be a day at a time for the next 180 days.  I think that is a lot to ask.

For some of us low dose HRT mitigates the dysphoria and lets us function more or less happily.  When that works it is wonderful to behold.  That was not my story.  I tried to stop, limit, maintain trick, myself, and everything else I could think of and only quietly went mad until I finally surrendered to being a girl - then finally rejoiced in becoming a woman.  All people are on a gender identification curve.  Where you are, is simply where you are.  There is no right or wrong, only what is.  That is what therapy helps with.

It doesn't make transition any easier, but it certainly helped me come to terms with who I am and what I need to do.

I told my mother the truth about me six months before she died.  She was not shocked, she was my mom and she loves me.  That is something to remember.  Your mother gave you life, held you, cried over you.  She loves you.  If she is in failing health, knowing that you are seeking authenticity, and seeking light will not speed her death, but may lighten her heart.  She knows that you struggle, she knows that you sometimes despair.  She is your mom, I think you love her. I think you can trust her with who you are.

So where am I now?  I live full time without a shell, and without sadness and fear.  I am out at work, play and everywhere else.  I love the girl in my soul and have friends that see my specialness.

I hope you find happiness in your path.  I hope you find authenticity in your life.  It is never too late nor too early to become who you are.  If I can help I will, as will everyone else here.

Peace,
Julie

Julie

You said it all so very well

Aisla

For me, I hated myself only until I realized this.

He isn't me.

I hated having to play 'him', mostly because I always felt he was fake.  I wanted to kill 'him' for keeping me trapped, for being acceptable when I was not.  I wanted to destroy him, and sabotaged him at every step.

When I realized he was just my shield persona.  A construct of behaviours that I learnt over time where acceptably masculine.  He was shaped by bullying, peer pressure, parental role models, media and folk lore.

I no longer hate myself as I seperated me from my shield, 'he'.  He is now a tool I can adopt for protection, but I am free to be me now.

Personally the fear I had about thinking of telling everyone was worse than the actual coming out. We have a tendency to build things up in our mind to the point of being paralyzed. I had it built up King Kong size, but when it came down to it, most accepted and I have even more friends and a closer family cohesion now. I told myself a million times everyone would reject me when in fact only a few did. Feeling the freedom you get when you live as the real you is so worth it. I am a much better person now and far stronger than before. What surprised me the most is the new found respect others had for me in tackling this issue head on. All of us have had that first very large hurdle to clear (coming out) and once it was over we found the world did not collapse or the sun go out. I am not saying it is an easy thing to do, but it is the very first critical step and we have all done it and moved down the road. 

The only thing to fear is fear itself*

*and violent bigots.

It's probably going to take me quite a while to really process everything you all have said. But I welcome and appreciate all of it.

Thank you.

Dont rush.  Take your time.