Hi Susan's.   Haven't been on for a while, but I'm back now, and this time I'm gonna stick around. XP

Anyway, to the point.  I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now.  At first I was going because I wanted to start transitioning, but we've mostly been working on my anxiety.  Which is good, because I've been needing to get help for it for a long time.  But apparently, my anxiety is a lot worse than I had previously been willing to admit to myself.

The last time I was at my therapists, I was told I may have to be put on medication.  But I don't want medication.  In fact, I went in there pretty determined to do it without meds, and still am.  I mean, I know they can and do help a lot of people, but I just don't want them.  And recently, I've been feeling just... I don't know.  I am just so tired of fear controlling my life. 

Although, I think part of the reason she suggested it could be because I have had a lot going on lately.  My mom has been doing pretty poorly, health wise.  Aside from her other health problems, she is getting ready to go in and have a double hip replacement.  Because she hasn't been able to walk very much lately, she's been needing a lot of help, so I've been having to do a lot for her lately.  My brother has decided he wants nothing to do with me anymore apparently.  In fact, just today he looked at me and very plainly said, "I hate ->-bleeped-<-'s and gay people."   There have been other things, but those are the main things stressing me out right now.

But on top of it all, my grandma passed away a few weeks ago.  It's weird, because I have never lost someone I was very close to before.  I mean, I've lost people I've known and I've been sad about, but it wasn't like this, and it's definitely changed me.  I feel like I have wasted so much time already, and I hate it.  I'm 28 years old now and I live like a teenager.  I barely leave the house.  I only have a hand full of people I even talk to on a regular basis.  I'm ashamed of it.  I don't want to be this way anymore.  I want to be out there living my life, accomplishing things I can be proud of.  Not sitting here in a room wasting my life away because I'm afraid to walk out my front door.

I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to hide from the world.  Ever since I was little, I've had issues talking and communicating with others.  My anxiety is weird though, because it seems most people with anxiety have more trouble in crowds or groups of people and find one-on-one conversations more comfortable, I am the opposite.  While I can go out in public and even into crowded areas just fine, it's not until I have to talk to someone I get nervous.  I've never been very talkative, and part of the reason is I never know what to say to people.  I am terrible at keeping up a conversation, and even struggle with knowing what to say when people make small talk.  In fact, most of the time I just awkwardly nod or something.  It's annoying, because in general, I feel like my mind just goes blank a lot of the time when I am trying to verbally communicate with someone.  Even with friends and people I know I get anxious. 

I have spent most of my adult life trying to figure out why I am this way and how to fix myself, but haven't had much success until now.  I guess that's how I know therapy has been working.  But what I've realized about myself, and this is going to sound dramatic, is there is a part of me, deep deep down that really just thinks everyone hates me.  I don't actually believe that, I know I have people around me who care about me and support me; but on the other hand, there is something deep inside that has a very real belief that I am, for lack of a better word, worthless.  I know that's not true now.  I used to feel that way, but over the past year, after coming out of the closet and accepting myself, my internal dialogue has changed, and I feel a lot better about myself now than I ever have. But still, that feeling is still there in the back of my mind all the time.  I don't know why or what caused it.  Well, perhaps part of it has to do with the fact that I'm trans and have never felt comfortable in my own skin.  And I'm sure a big part of it was because I was pretty badly neglected and psychologically abused as a child.  But whatever the reason, there is just something inside me that is constantly telling me nobody wants anything to do with me.  And I am constantly worried I will do or say something that will make the people I care about not want to be around me anymore. 

Basically, I feel like there's a part of me that just doesn't want to be seen.  That just wants to be invisible so I don't have to deal with other people's judgement of me.  And that doesn't even have anything to do with being transgender, that's just how some part of me feels about myself in general.  Because, like I said, it's gotten better since I came out, and I'm not ashamed of being transgender at all.  But there's something else inside me that makes me feel completely ashamed of myself, and I don't even really know what it is.  I feel almost like I've got two people inside me.  One is the real me, the grown man who is intelligent and strong and ambitious and actually has some level of confidence.  Then there's the little girl I used to be, the one who is afraid of the world and constantly expecting to get hurt and be told she is nothing.  All too often, it seems like the little girl is the one in control.  And she's holding me back.  Holding me back from doing the things I want to do, saying the things I want to say, and being the person I want to be.  She's holding me back from living my life.  And I just want her to go away.

I know that is the reason I have been gone so long from here as well.  Even though this is probably the most non-judgmental forum on the planet, I'm still scared.  I'm still scared to hit 'post' and blast all my whining out there for everyone to see, yet on the other hand I'm sitting here wondering what on earth I am so afraid of.

So now I am left with a choice, to take medication or not.  I don't know.  I have to wait a little while until I can get in to see my PCP before they can give me anything anyway, so I guess I will see how it goes until then.  Hopefully, perhaps things will calm down for a while and give my stress level a break, but I don't really see that happening.  The bottom line is, I don't see how I could possibly transition, or do anything I need to do to actually start having a life, as long as my anxiety is as bad as it is.  And I need to get it under control as quickly as possible.  So, I suppose if medication is the only way to accomplish that I will have to consider it.  But I think I'm going to do everything I can to avoid it until that becomes more evident.

Thanks for reading.

Sounds like you suffer from anxiety pretty badly but that isn't something to be ashamed of. You do need treatment for it though - either with counselling/therapy or medication, just to calm things down. You have your whole life to live, there's nothing to be gained in hiding from it!

There's nothing weird at all about that kind of anxiety. Anxiety manifests in us in a lot of different ways. It just seems more normal the other way because that kind of anxiety is easier to see in other people.

It really sounds to me like you've got yourself on the right track, and have chosen sensibly the next few steps in your life's journey.

For all the hatred the world throws at us, the one person capable of hating us more than all the rest is ourselves. I'm just starting to learn that it doesn't have to be that way, and I'll be praying we both are able to come to love ourselves someday. That you'll be able to accept every single part of you, and cherish all of it as yours.

Thanks Jera and Ms. Grace.   I am trying.  I feel like I'm on the right track, I've just been getting a bit impatient I guess.  I don't know, before my grandma died I was perfectly fine with taking my time and not trying to do things too fast, but now that's kind of changed.  I feel bad because she always wanted me to come see her and call her more often, but I didn't.  And it's not because I didn't want to, it was because I was too nervous to pick up the phone.  Too nervous to talk to my own grandparents.  I always said I'd do it soon, but then I never did, and now it's too late.  There is so much I wish I would have said to her that I'll never get the chance to say, and it's tearing me up a little.  I don't want the people in my life to go without knowing how important they are to me.   You never know when you wont get the chance to tell them anymore.

I know I've got some trust issues and abandonment issues, and I have trouble expressing myself and being vulnerable, but that's not who I am and I don't want my life to be defined that way.   To be honest, there's a part of be that is really tempted to delete this whole post, because I feel silly and awkward and I don't like complaining and sounding negative, but it's stuff I know I have to let out.  I feel like there's a person inside me who is just dying to be set free, but first I have to clean all of this stuff out of the way that's holding him down.  I know I can do it.  I don't really see any other path for me.  I guess I'm hoping venting a little will help with that, even though it makes me feel weird.  At least so I'm not keeping things bottled up inside so much.  And it's not like I haven't done some venting on this forum before, so I don't really know what the deal is.  But no matter how bad my anxiety has been, I feel like I'm starting to develop this attitude where if I'm afraid to do something I really want to do, I'll just get mad and use that to push myself through it.  I think maybe I've reached my breaking point.  My therapist says she keeps seeing me take one step forward and then a step back.  I don't want that to be the pattern in my life.  There is so much in life to appreciate and experience, I don't want my most predominant worry to be whether I'm having a panic attack or not anymore.

I was very much against taking medication for at least the first half of my life. My primary concern was that drugs would make me not really me anymore. I was also keenly aware of the stigma that psych drugs carry. But chemicals are just a tool, and if you can't control the other intensity in your life, I feel like there's nothing wrong with making changes where you can.

For me, after getting on medication it was a lot easier to function and not have most people even notice how much I struggle. When I tried to do it all straight edge that just put my problems on display more than I'm comfortable with.

Everybody is different, of course. I still experience a lot of fear even with drugs, and I have to do a lot of planning to be okay. I am better than I used to be and I'm sure you can get to a better space yourself, however you do it. Talking here is great. Nobody is going to judge you for having problems or wanting to vent.

Thanks, Felix.

That's part of my fear with taking medication, that it will change my personality in some way.  I'm also afraid of side effects.  I had a friend who started on medication for his anxiety and suddenly became kind of a jerk.  He also started experiencing weird things like his eyes rolling in the back of his head uncontrollably at night when he's trying to sleep. :/  Plus I just don't really like the idea of putting stuff in my body when I really don't know what it is or what it will do, it kinda freaks me out.  But if it's what I gotta do to go where I want in life, it's what I'm gonna do.

My therapist said something interesting today.  I told her what I said about feeling like there's two people inside me, the man and the little girl, and she said she wanted to talk to the little girl. :/  It was kind of weird and uncomfortable, she asked me if I like stickers, lol.  She told me - and I've heard someone talk about this before, I think on this forum actually - that when I am feeling that anxiety and fear, that's the little girl, and that I, Kai, need to do something to comfort her.  She suggested actually verbally talking to myself as though I were talking to that little girl.  Or doing something like... I think she said eat spagettios and watch My Little Pony. XD  Not sure where that came from, but apparently she loves MLP, lol.  But you know what I mean.

I am going to my first trans meeting tonight.  I've been wanting to go for a while.  I am anxious as hell and I have been all day, but I've already got my ride coming so I'm biting the bullet and going.  Wish me luck, guys.

I have huge anxiety issues as well. in one of my denial phases I thought that I wasn't trans because I just had some anxiety disorder lol. I probably do have an anxiety disorder but I think being trans and living as the wrong sex for your whole could create that. Like I was always worried that I was doing something feminine, or that I would say something that a guy would normally not say. I have 3 older brothers and like 4 guy cousins that were always over all of them were older. and they would pick on me for hand motions, the way I ran, everything I would say. All of this stuff that was natural for me, I had to learn to push away. and I think all of that has caused my anxiety. I feel like expressing my self in a more feminine way has helped in some ways but added a lot of new things to be anxious about. I am definitely going to bring up anxiety when I start therapy.
Moral of the story your not alone in your anxiety.
btw I was super anxious about going to the meetings before I started, but there is nothing to worry about. I was worried that they were going to make me prove to them that I was trans, but that never happened. We never really had an agenda so its just a place where you go and meet other trans people. We talked about anything and everthing, some trans related topics and lots of friendly conversation. You don't even have to really talk about what you struggle with or anything if that makes you uncomfortable. it is still a good thing to do to be more active in the trans community. Its  also nice to know people that have been through what you are going through

Well, I'm back!

Amber, I agree with you completely!  I definitely think living as the wrong gender added to my anxiety, and really, how couldn't it?  I kinda did the same thing, but you know, the other way around.  I spent a lot of time practicing being feminine because I was always told I acted too much like a boy, and my behavior was "unlady like".  I got it down pretty well, I think.  So much so, I still have some unconscious habits that come out here and there, but for the most part I've been able to let go of that and just let myself be me.  And thanks.   It's good to know I'm not alone. ^^

Thank you too, Liam.  It did go well.   I tell you, it wasn't easy.  When I got to the front door I almost turned around and left because the doors were locked and apparently you had to pick up a phone and call in or something.  A phone!  My second worst fear.   But luckily the person leading the meeting came up to the door and let me in.  When I went in there, I was pretty freakin nervous.  But as everyone started talking, I kinda started to relax.  Got a chance to introduce myself and talk a bit.  Everyone was really nice and I was welcomed into the group.    It was a pretty small group, about six or seven other people.  I was actually kinda hoping it'd be bigger.  But all in all, I'm glad I went, and I'm looking forward to going back next week. I say if you are thinking about going, just go for it!  It was a good experience for me and I'm sure it would be for you as well. Took me months to work up the courage to go, and now I wish I would have done it sooner.

One thing that was nice too, that I wasn't expecting, was my mom offering to take me up there.  I was planning on busing it up there, but she offered to take me and said she'll take me every week if I wanna keep going. ^^ So that's pretty awesome too.  I wasn't really sure how supportive she was to be honest, but she says she wants me to go because she knows it will be good for me. So I'm pretty happy about that. ^^