To start with, I'm 27 and have thought I should have been born a woman from my earliest memories – but from that same time I have thought "I don't want to want this."
I considered telling my entire (often trigger worthy for many)(and often depressing and pity-party-seeking-sounding) life story, but let's just say I've done the whole 'fight it out,' 'drink it out,' 'a few suicide attempts,' and all that business. Joined the military briefly (one of those suicide attempts made for it being briefly – but thankfully), and almost got married.
Went to college. Had a brief (2 months) attempt at transition (hormones/clothes and makeup at home) – and had a psychological break – I was happy with what I was doing, but couldn't... accept it. Set it all on fire (literally – box and lighter fluid). Started to try undo the damage I had done to my body – from the drinking. I went from a 190 pound athlete, to a 260 pound slob in a matter of two years. Lost about half that weight. Graduated near top of my class. Got a teaching job. Became a well-adjusted adult who goes to bed early, eats healthy, and so on (I stopped being a college student?)
The first person I ever talked about it with was my female best friend. She said go for it. She'd help however she could.
The second was my father (we have an incredibly close and supportive relationship). He said: "Whatever makes you happy."
The third was my male best friend of more than 13 years – and he was the most enthusiastic and supportive of all (which... really blew my mind – when the conversation somehow ended up there... I was hoping for a 'man up' kind of talk). (This was a few weeks ago).
I'm fairly successful, I suppose. I'm saving for grad school while paying off all my debts. I love teaching. It's my life. After grad school, I want to go work with my mentor from college. And for a few years... while I was at work, I was fine. After work, I could feel the slow, but sure attack my feelings. Started to try an weight lift it away – best shape since my teens. That stopped being enough, so every waking moment became "Fill my time." Read books, clean, anything to keep my mind busy. That stopped being enough, so Saturday became the "drink until I fall asleep day" – you know, adult responsible alcoholism (if you consider a now pitiful tolerance of 4-6 beers alcoholism, compared to the college 30). But, I'm not winning anymore.
As I started with – I don't want to want this. I realize that there's not a lot of 'choice' in this. When I was younger, I could fight it away, or use any given girlfriend as a beard (and I have an enormous amount of regret for the years of those women that I wasted). Drinking it away worked until I saw what it was doing to me (health, and almost my grades – when it hit its peak, I had to save everything last minute, and managed to crawl out of the bottle after 3 weeks on 3 nights of sleep a week). I am good at being a man. I'm strong – bench 250+, deadlift 340+. I work my butt off at work. At 5'11" with broad shoulders and impressive arms. I feel a little arrogant for saying so, but well read, and functionally bilingual (fluency is... over-rated). It took a long time, but I managed to become a decent human being while I was at it. Well, that's what people see anyway (I hope).
The problem is, I can't help but look at any woman these days without feeling... crushing envy. I surmise now that I'm no longer a crazy teenager or (very) very young adult (hey, I'm almost 30) that my hormones have levelled off – and I have zero sex drive... and the thought kind of makes me sick. I feel like I have had more intense periods of dysphoria, but not nearly as prolonged. In the last few weeks, I can barely take my mind off of it, like a mild to moderate headache.
With all these things considered, I haven't said a whole lot about my dysphoria. It's there. It's nothing that I think anyone on the Internet needs a rehash of. But I've fought it for all these years. And I've built the beginning phase of... what I hope to be a great future (despite some rocky patches, which I think made me better, in the end). I don't want to throw that away. I've tried eating/training for optimum testosterone levels, even tried zinc and a few weight lifting supplements, but... if anything, it almost seems like those have made it worse.
After my last suicide attempt, I know I'll never try again (pulled the trigger, it was a dud. I could see the indention from the firing pin, it just didn't go off. I was a split second from death, and nothing could scare me more than that did. Mind you, that was... 6 years ago now, and oddly enough not a single mental issue other than this since). I've learned to value my life – if not for myself, then for my family, friends, and students. So, I'm stuck between... (potentially) wreck everything I have built with my own hands, to be a very obviously non-passing lady (height and build mentioned above, deep voice, 5 o'clock shadow by 10:30, unbreakable jaw), or never manage to have another relationship, and spend my every waking (but significantly simpler and likely more successful) moment thinking about this and being frustrated. In conclusion, I'm not sure what on earth to do. And while 'no one but you can determine what you are/should do' – I could go for some input. And thanks if you managed to read all that nonsense.
