Hello all,
I'm brand new to this site, so I'm going to take a few paragraphs to introduce myself.
So, first of all, I go by "Jasper", and I am 20 years old. I am a university student (male, by the way) and will be a junior, starting this coming fall. My hobbies include writing, learning foreign languages, poetry, and running. As normal as I may sound this far into my introduction, however, I would say that I'm actually very atypical. Namely, I have felt like I was a girl trapped in a boy's body since I was 5 years old; the feeling has never subsided and has only worsened as I've grown.
Starting from whenever I was a young boy, I think I was already displaying a myriad of not-so accepted behaviors, given my assigned gender role. For example, I sang aloud (like really loud) before bed each night, I played with Barbies with girls during recess, I hung around nothing but girls, and I hated my sexual anatomy. Just to top it off, once I hit puberty (which was actually very early), I started to hate my sexual anatomy with passion -- whenever I got an erection, I did everything I could to get rid of it. When I had my first "wet dream", I cried. On top of this, I cross-dressed whenever my parents were asleep, starting from a very young age. It comforted me and delivered me from the distress associated with living in a male body. At least until my brother moved into my bedroom with me, I often went to sleep cross-dressed.
Regarding the aforementioned behaviors, I knew from the beginning that they were very frowned upon -- my parents, being staunch Catholics, regularly reprimanded homosexuals and pretty much anything not culturally accepted.
I got lectured on numerous occasions -- and even punished -- which was scary because my mom was very violent. I learned early on that I must hide my traits from my parents if I am to get by -- but doing so, in my opinion, has resulted in more anxiety than I've known what to do with.
As early as second grade, when I started being subjected to unwavering pressure for hanging out with girls so much during recess, etc., I grew almost dangerously quiet. In no time, I was the kid who sat alone at recess, who sat alone at lunch, who couldn't look people in the eye, and who couldn't ask for help without visibly trembling. After a few years (late middle school), I came to terms with the idea that it's not socially acceptable for males to display anxious behaviors like that -- so I really made efforts to hide these behaviors as well so as to become more accepted.
It never worked -- I was terrible at hiding what I really felt. It wasn't long before I was regularly bullied for being super tense all the time, for trembling whenever I spoke, for walking like I was very conscious, or for even admitting that the bruises on my arms were a result of my mother, of all people. This, in combination with the terrible divorce and custody battle my parents put me in the middle of at a young age, left a mark on me that I worry will never heal.
In early high school, I learned that, pretty much no matter what I did, I would never accumulate very many friends at school because these are people I had been going to school with since kindergarten (I lived in a small town). I learned that, for my own good, I had to start allowing my true personality traits to shine through. I started doing subtle things to my body (e.g. shaving from head to toe, tanning, using makeup to make my face look smooth, growing my hair long) to help me feel more aligned with the gender role I felt I belonged to. And I also started sharing poems I had written with a few people (which got me made fun of) Miraculously, no one caught on to all of this, and at worst, thought I was just a "pretty boy" because I was known for going to the gym and whatnot.
Yet, even through my struggles: my gender expression issues; my mom beating the heck out of me (even as late as high school), having no friends, and even having to cope with my own father being sentenced to prison for 40 years for a heinous crime -- I managed to make the grades to get into an amazing college.
I love it there, in that everyone is so incredibly open-minded -- especially compared to the small town I was raised in. But my college years have not been without problems. I quickly learned that I would never be the "party type", or even the "social type". Not only could I never move myself to act anything even remotely similar to the misogynistic males that seem to be drawn to party scenes, but I couldn't even find much attraction to women. I mean, I've had like three sexual encounters with different women, and not once could I get up, which was obviously very embarrassing. I came to terms with the fact that I'm gay after all that, by the way. So, the bulk of my college years so far have been spent sitting in my dorm, in seclusion, studying so that I can have a bright future ahead of me.
So, here I sit. I'm approaching a third year of college, and it's such a relief to know that the finish line is near. It's a relief to know that the storm is mostly over and that I can lead my life devoid of so much distress before long. Notwithstanding, my gender issues have never subsided -- and have actually only intensified. Whereas the anxiety surrounding my gender issues used to manifest itself through trembling or tenseness, my problems now manifest themselves through full-blown anxiety attacks where I worry that my life will be threatened. Last summer, I landed in the doctor's office, urgent care, and even the emergency room because I kept having these horrifying episodes. They told me each time that it's anxiety and nothing more. Similarly, in class last semester, I had this terrible anxiety attack where I legitimately forgot my age and other personal details about myself. Of course, it only worsens as time progresses, and I've come to terms with the notion that I can't live even remotely happily as male.
I really don't think it's a good idea to come out to my family as of yet -- at least not until I'm fully independent of them (keep in mind, my mom has physically abused me since I was really little), but I have come out to one person. This person was my senior prom date, and I've never had much of a stable friendship with her because I've done nothing but push her away for the last two years. I felt that it was my duty to let her know why this has been the case and recently came out to her about my gender problem. She, at first, was very receptive, but after a while, she started full-out ignoring me whenever I initiated conversation with her. As you might imagine, this hurt a lot, and I doubt I will come out to anyone else except for a therapist in the immediate future.
I've been doing research, and there are half-a-dozen trans-friendly therapists in my college town. I want my journey of realizing my true self to begin this school year, wherein I'll tell a therapist the story I've shared in the preceding paragraphs. I'm very nervous, however, because it's absolutely paramount that I keep anything regarding a transition hidden from my mother and family until I am on my own two feet. I don't know how difficult this is -- even hiding the therapy part from my mom might be difficult since I'm on her employer's insurance (Would health privacy laws protect me in this instance?). Nonetheless, I will do what I have to do to be happy. I long to transition before further masculinizing effects transpire since I know that these are irreversible in some instances.
Can anyone relate to anything I put forth in my introduction, or have any pointers? Thank you so much for reading, everyone. I'm sorry that this was so lengthy. Peace to all.
