Thank you for reading my journey, Im sorry its a little long.
Im 49 and happily married to my best friend for 29 years, a parent of six and grandparent of four. How this begins is a little convoluted as I didn't know since birth and or always know or remotely look like a woman and have ever been confused with one ever until recently. The time blends as it does when we get older. (don't laugh or guffaw as this disease has no cure and it will happen to you). I suppose it started with a sadness and and depression, self hate. Why didn't I like what I looked like? I went to a Dr and had my blood checked and was found to be low testosterone. I was given testosterone cyponate and injected for three years. I was benching 300 pounds and had 17 inch arms. To all the world the epitome of a manly man but the self hate was so thick I could cut it with a knife. I began plucking my facial hair, shaving my chest and body as the hair drove me insane. Me and my trusty 10 power mirror and my tweezerman plucked a lot of hair. I became suicidal with self loathing and planned my death. My wife would watch me weap every morning with hate of what I looked like but that morning I had a calm as i walked out the door on the way to work. My plan was to head on a semi on my hour long commute but at the last second I pulled over and wept then. I just couldnt leave my wife and embarrass my kids. I made an appoinment with a therapist and met with her soon after and explained what was going on in my mind, the self hate, the lonliness as Ive no ability to maintain platonic relationships with men. She listened for a few appointments then told me I had gender dysphoria. I asked what it was exactly as I didnt know and she said we'd talk next time as our time was up. (not kidding) I went home to google and was alone as my wife had went to Wisconsin to visit family and she was unavailable. I wanted to die so bad as I did not want this, I could not have this, Id rather have any disease than this but decided to wait till next week to off myself as I could talk to her the following week and talk about a cure and a treatment plan. When there I asked her what i could do to get this out of my head. She laughed and said a lobotomy.(not kidding) I went home and again came close to death but I could not hurt my wife and embarrass my family by ending my life. i went on to three therapist to try to get another opinion but alas I did not. I fought off the urges living in depression, lifting heavy trying to force my body and mind into accepting what all the world said I should look like but in the end I had no choice as I was so unhappy and depressed I could no longer function. I was close to losing my job and was a shell of a human. I flew to Seattle and saw Dr Linda Gromco and was perscribed medicine that would start to make me feel better. I started and stopped several times on fear of the changes. Now almost two years non stop no more self hate, no more death plans.
Today:
Ive had no less than ten laser appointments, hundreds of hours of electro. One year of which was a waste of time as it never got better. I drive a 600 mile round trip every three weeks for treatement but getting oh so much better.
I found a local OBGYN to give me my perscription to do my blood work so no more trips to Seattle.
No place to shop in Alaska
The church I went to for fifteen years has cast me out, I lost all my friends most of which went to the church but I found some new ones if not as many I have people that love me for who I am.
I kept my job and even got promoted, Im better than the angry ass who was injecting testosterone. My employees tell me Im the new better me. I do construction and tell guys what to do everyday.
Ive been mocked, insulted, shunned, uninvited, ignored and hurt in every way possible which has been hard.
Im here for other like me perhaps who are not 5'4" and willowy, tiny, cute little hands and feet, 105 and look more feminine than a woman born with the right plumbing.
I lost a lot of weight, i suppose 100 pounds from my high. Im still over 6' and Ive wide shoulders, my hands are bigger than I'd like etc etc but Ive come a long way and I'm proud of me. You or no one else may think I look ok but I love me and think Im gorgeous.
I talk to my wife about getting work done and have had some quotes from a plastic surgeon but at this time am trying to accept me as is.
I use the andro tag as it seems all i can get accepted as and dont feel I can tell people how to percieve me.
Best advice from my therapist (a new one) bad and good things happen, dont dwell on the bad. Be with people who want to be with you, dont try and fix broken relationships; hard part of that is not many people want to be with me. Go slowly quickly; doesnt happen over night.
I've given my cell to almost every trans person Ive met which are very few here and not had any calls back. It makes me feel pretty inadequate and unwanted but see therapist advice above. "be with people that want to be with you" Ill find some yet!! lol
I get ma'am, he, she, her, him and it doesnt matter if im in a skirt or a heavy winter jacket.
Ill post pics in "before and after" so you can see both of me.
My wife calls me her pretty husband and I like that. One small step at a time.
Best wishes always,
Stevie
