I've been having this issue lately whether I automatically assume that nobody would ever wanna date someone like me, and that if they do, it's probably a fetish thing or they just have no other options and are really desperate. Even though I've had people who were interested tell me that's not the case, and I try really hard to tell myself that I'm worth dating and desirable and worth dating someone that I want to date instead of just settling for whoever is desperate enough, I'm having a REALLY hard time raising my self esteem there. How do you get over this kinda thinking? I don't have particularly low self esteem in other areas of my life, I just get really really down when thinking about dating and I feel like it's kind of unfair to pursue people when I still have this mentality of "just leap on whoever gives you basic respect whether you like them or not"

I used to be suicidal a LONG time ago and dating was one of the reasons. My therapist then helped me to look at my qualities and what I can offer a girl. I was so focused on what was wrong with me that it never occurred to look at what was right with me. Between that and the confidence the medication gave me, I managed to start dating. Unfortunately after my ex fiance broke my heart, I've had a hard time since. I still believe in myself though. However I believe this is an awkward time for me to start dating. Any girl I meet now is going to have to deal with me starting HRT from scratch as I'm not on it currently. She would also have to accept the possibility I might switch interest into guys. I find this highly unlikely though. It isn't just guy parts that bother me, its everything.

Quote from: solexander on July 24, 2014, 04:29:21 PM
I've been having this issue lately whether I automatically assume that nobody would ever wanna date someone like me, and that if they do, it's probably a fetish thing or they just have no other options and are really desperate. Even though I've had people who were interested tell me that's not the case, and I try really hard to tell myself that I'm worth dating and desirable and worth dating someone that I want to date instead of just settling for whoever is desperate enough, I'm having a REALLY hard time raising my self esteem there. How do you get over this kinda thinking? I don't have particularly low self esteem in other areas of my life, I just get really really down when thinking about dating and I feel like it's kind of unfair to pursue people when I still have this mentality of "just leap on whoever gives you basic respect whether you like them or not"

Never settle. Low self esteem is a bitch. And usually when it comes to love interests or possible love interests, unfortunatly that is where we usually experience really low self esteem.

If that is you in your avatar, I find you totally dateable. If it's about looks, don't worry about it, you got that. If it's just anxiety and low self esteem then build yourself up. You yourself said other's have conflicting opinion than your about your datability. Just take a chance 'cause until we can read other people's minds it is gonna be a game of cat and mouse. Sometimes the cat gets the mouse and sometimes the mouse bites the cat and gets away. If you get shot down, don't take it personal because everyone has different attributes they are attracted to. Just put that ACDC song, Shot down in Flames on and pretty much that is how it goes sometimes. Just be confident.

Quote from: solexander on July 24, 2014, 04:29:21 PM
How do you get over this kinda thinking?

I wrote down a list of things that made me a desirable partner. I am:
Loving
Good in bed
A good listener
Funny
Respectful
Smart
Well-read
Interesting
Financially independent and good with money
Dependable
Faithful
Attractive

Etc.

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 24, 2014, 04:53:40 PM
I wrote down a list of things that made me a desirable partner.

This so much ^  I actually did that a few days ago when I was feeling down about relationships and it helped me see my worth A LOT.

I second what Suzi said about figuring out what you have to offer a relationship.
Also, what would your opinion be? Would you date someone who is trans?

No one really paid me any mind when I am currently pre-T so I can imagine it'll remain the same way when I'm on HRT. If they find me attractive and the feelings are mutual on both parts, great. If not, it's her loss and there's 7 billion people in the world anyways. I have good qualities just like I have bad ones so that doesn't make me any different.

  What really doesn't help me is that I'm rather confused and undecided about the whole dating thing.  Having virtually no experience means I can't be certain of what I want to achieve and inexperience tends to put other people off like you've got some kind of disease.  I've also felt like dating requires a whole different mindset that I don't have.  This doesn't mean I don't want commitment, rather the opposite - I just want a good friend.  If it evolves into a more stereotypical dating situation from there then I'll roll with it.  I am never comfortable-enough around anyone unless I know them well and am a friend first.  People trying to flirt with me just make me cringe.  Unfortunately most people have a pre-defined notion and instinct of how dating should occur and partnerships should form and I don't fit the pattern.

  That said, I actually do believe I'm worth dating.  I'm simply dealing with a narrower slice of the pie, particularly because I'm trans.  Dating is the last thing on my mind right now though because I'm mid-transition.  I can't expect anyone to be so purely drawn to my character and interests that they would not end up in a different state of mind when my physical transition is complete.  I haven't even decided for sure if I will have GRS, and this could greatly affect a partner's attraction or sexual satisfaction.  I'm also uncertain of exactly how people would engage with me sexually and to enough of their satisfaction - I don't want to be confusing/confused or be a lot of work for them to figure out.  Having a penis is screwing with my mind because I have no idea if a cis lesbian would want to have anything to do with me pre-GRS.  If I must find queer women I have no idea how to go about it and then I may be compromising what I seek as character just so my partner is sexually compatible.  Sex is very low on my list of priorities but I still have to be considerate of my partner's needs and motivations.

  Back to the original question directly, I'm not interested in 'selling' myself to people.  My challenge is finding potential partners that already know how to interact with me as a friend because our natures match.  Most of the stress I felt about the prospect of dating evaporated once I realized that much of the population is not compatible with me and that this isn't my 'fault'.  Forcing the issue with the wrong people wouldn't help anything.  You won't see me trying to hook-up in a bar or use dating services because the personality I have to meet would never feel comfortable doing it that way either.  There are plenty-enough happily-attached transpeople in the world to make it statistically impossible I won't find a partner who sees my value.  Being trans complicates it but this is not really the core issue.  Most people mis-read all my signals and think I'm insecure or lack confidence.  The right person will know instinctively that this isn't true and far from it.

I am worth dating because:

- I'm not going to use a partner to fill personal voids with respect to emotional/mental security, finances, family ties, etc.

- I am completely comfortable and at peace with myself, even if I haven't figured all of it out yet.

- I'm not alone in this world in the way I think, less common perhaps but not unique.

- I have a lot to offer to the right person.

- I'm medically-certified as high-functioning, in perfect health, and, more importantly, sane!