The Beginning

Well as some people may know my operation is on monday and i have now arrived at the Dusit Princess hotel - relaxing, slowly unpacking, and watching the view. Although the flight from Zurich was smooth and effortless (thanks to silly spending on business class) my brain was running lots of thoughts... Mostly about my work colleagues and relationship i hsd left behind only hours earlier.

Although i have no problem passing and my passport has F, i still felt fairly alien on the plane. Like i was out of sync. But since i worked until 1630 the day before the "me" time was a little reduced. My therapist telling me im about to face my biggest challenge ever... Learning to slow down and put me first. Ahem.

The pickup from the airport was amazingly smooth. Dr Chettawuts driver kind - curtious - and graceful. A simple 30min drive to the Hotel which is next to the big shopping centre - time for a visit this afternoon as there were not too many hangers in the room. Two queen sized beds are very comfortable - one for me - and one for my guests who will arrive on saturday and in two weeks. Kettle (for two mugs), iron, hairdrier and a deliciously large bath and shower im looking forward to using. The main gym is unfortunately closed - but ill make use of what is available even if just yoga stretching after the plane.

The staff here are also very kind. And it is well worth learning a few key words of thai.
"Sawasdeeka" - hello
"Kob khun ka" - thank you
Normally i try to learn a bit before arriving - but again work, life and relationships meant i did not take enough time for me. That will change in the coming weeks.

Although ive been waiting for a magic wand to fix my body since puberty, it seems i will need to use the magic fingers of a good surgeon. And tomorrow ill have my last breakfast before meeting Dr Chettawut and his team, and and entering 3 days without solids. So better make the most of my gym fix today.

I have been lucky not to be plagued by physical dysphoria, ironically only until stopping HRT 2 weeks ago (slowly ramping down doses since start of july). Working out in the gym caused a teary breakdown which passed after a couple of hours. Knowing that the extra parts between my legs were finally going soon. Very soon now. Part of me is very calm - especially now i am here. Part is crying because of the loss of my past... Why did i not transition in my teens instead of 38/39? The answer is always that ive done so much more with my life and was not going to let my body get in the way of achieving my life. Part is just exhausted from having done so much in the last year. And part is so happy of what will come...

People like Calico and Maddie have shown the way, and i hope that with updates to this thread i can help show a positive light for others to come. Donna E in three weeks...

So with that i had better snooze lightly, finish unpacking and enjoy the day!

Ps breakfasts at Dusit appear to be amazing. Asian, western and chinese styles. Cooked, colds, meats, eggs, fruits, youghurts, fruit juices, and delicious green teas. Heaven for my guests, liquid only after tomorrow... Oooh

So happy for you. Remember the buffet has coffee, tea, light fruit juices, and miso broth that are all ok. Remember not to stir the miso pot... You want the clear broth at the top.

I'm wanting to go with Dr Chett in around 12 months. So I shall be watching your thread closely

So happy for you to be taking that big step!

It won't be easy, and there will be physical and mental trauma to heal from, but I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end ^^

Keep us posted! <3

Seacom Delights

Last night went for a walk around the Seacom centre - the first entrance beside the hotel is slightly misleading. You enter a shop with lots of smaller inner shops - like a western department store. Don't be fooled - the shopping centre stretches away - and around the sides - of this store. The official entrance is much further along the street. And 27 restaurants might be an understatement - lots of food stores. According to Maddie many have English menu if you ask.

I was lazy - bought water from tesco (at the far end of the centre) and returned to the Dusit to eat. The normal menu ranges from 130 to 250 baht but does not include the 10% service fee or 7% sales tax. Still it's around 7 chf a meal. Unless your monkey spirit says HUNGRY and eyeing up the buffet you choose to gorge on the last meal before the 3 day liquid only purge. It was yummy - 2 rounds of sushi; red curry; green curry. Spicy roasted pork. Vegetables. Pommes Duchesse. Cold garlic bread. Sweet banana in warmed coconut milk...  I became Rolly Polly Melly. And paid 750 baht for the privilege. Won't do that again (no solids for a week). But seriously the normal menu is also good portion especially some someone like me.

So this morning no solids - no milk - no fruit juice with pulp etc. just tea and honey and sports to kill off hungar pangs. When they occur.

The Good Doctor

I'm sat here writing after visiting Dr Chettawut and his team. They are all friendly - especially Som, (Jittada) and it was really nice to get to meet them all together. The consultation was relatively short but then I've a pseudo medical background (medical physicist) and know quite a bit physiology. The clear statements is that a skin graft is necessary - my sac is not stretchy enough. But this could be interesting as the skin area to be used has always been very sensitive and pleasurable so let's see the outcome. I'm not considering this to be a bad thing.

In terms of depth - where so many want to seem to accept large men... So much does really depend on your internal anatomy and not the skin. As the Dr Chettawut explained, and medically is obvious, if the fascia between the organs is scarred or cannot be easily separated then the depth will be reduced. This can be from unknown events (eg silent urinal tract infections or a form of prostate granatin) or known trauma. There is no way to know until you have been opened up. Accepting this, rather than fighting for something unrealistic - will give you much more strength and inner calm. He will do his best; but he will do things safely.

And the dilation schedule is so so so important. Currently I'm scheduled to return to work full time in 8 weeks. Whether I can or not will depend on recovery - but also fitting in the required hours of dilation will be difficult. We discussed this as we don't have a private place at work for dilating 40min in the afternoon. In short it can be split into 2x 2 hours during the week; 3x40min at weekends. But your results
; your depth and girth will depend heavily on how you work.

There is no magic wand. (Ok the dilator might be our magic wand). The surgeon can create the space and the aesthetics. You... With your own magic wand. You... Create your depth and maintain it. The surgeon can't. He won't be there magically re opening you each time. This is your anatomy and your responsibility. So don't fool around. And be prepared to really take your time and own, respect and live for your neo vagina.

So now back at Dusit I'm relaxing and writing. Hungar encroaching so a hot drink with honey will work wonders. Sip it slowly to get the maximum benefit. The next days will probably be a bit boring - meeting friends - sleeping (jet lagged) and yoga / exercise and meditation.

Hi Melissa!
Nice to see you are settling in and apparently quite serene in spite of the little complication regarding the skin graft. I gather that requirement is so that you have adequate depth (15" ?  )
Simple curiousity as I may be facing similar issues very shortly, what was the alternative to the skin graft?
Other than that, I hope you can find enough interesting places to see/things to do over the weekend to avoid boredom. I was sort of under the impression that Bangkok was a very vibrant city with lots of history but maybe I'm wrong?
With that, I need to get away to work but will get back to you over the weekend.
Warmest best wishes.
Donna

Just a quick edit - some of the waitresses know very well what "clear soup" implies and were very helpful. Two big steaming bowls of, I think, chicken broth. Delicious. And a side of half a can of sugary sweet sprite. Tomorrow morning miso soup. And tea.

As to other options - I didn't discuss as the site of the graft (essentially skin between tops of legs and neo vagina) are used and not inside of the thigh / legs.

visiting places would be great. But today I just felt like relaxing again. Working until Tuesday and flying sleeping and getting my head around the next weeks is more important for me. Tomorrow (Saturday) visitors and Sunday forecast is diarrhea with a hint of laxative. So suspect I'll just find the gym and buy things for afterwards.

One side note: if you have a tv in your room - make sure it works well from bed. Dodgy batteries or a blurred screen when you can't watch films is bad idea. Having not owned a tv for 10 years I will probably watch a few films.

Hi Melissa,
Hope you are holding up OK in spite of the dietary restrictions and maybe just a little anxiety as you count down to Monday. I guess between laxatives and everything else, tomorrow is going to be a real fun day.. 
When I think about it, since you didn't do FFS, this is actually the first time you will be doing anything quite as life changing as this and can only admire the calm way you talk about the way you have gone about things so far. 
As you know, I already have a couple of big operations behind me and can still vividly remember how I felt when I was finally called for my first FFS surgery. Let's just say I had a lot of stuff running through my mind... 
Other than that, from your answer, I think you misunderstood my question regarding the alternative to a skin graft. What I was wondering was if the alternative was simply not having as much depth as you would ideally like? If that was the case, I for one would really have to weigh the pros and cons of deciding between less depth or a more complicated recovery.
If it was an issue other than depth, what was is?
Thinking of you a lot right now and wishing you all the best.
Donna


P.S. For TV, my plan is to bring my desk labtop (17" screen), a few DVD's I really like and catch up on all the stuff I have added to my Netflix list but have never had time to watch. As long as there is a good internet connection, with a VPN there should be no difficulty accessing from Bangkok.
 

For the skin graft - well let's say that the discussion was fairly brief. Not much elasticity; am I a lesbian only? Hmm not sure - would want to be functional... And I was already prepared for it mentally. The skin to be used is already sensitive so I'm not thinking of it badly. But I'll let you know next week!

For me, graft issue wasn't depth per se; healing and function would have been compromised if too inelastic tissues were to be used. Dr. Chet sometimes recommends graft if depth would not be sufficient, OR if like me, scrotum skin will do much better as external (labia majora / vulva) vs. internal. Healing with a full graft went phenomenally well. Dr. Chet is one of the few surgeons who mastered alternate techniques depending on your personal anatomy, circulation, and skin characteristics. My VJ has healed much faster than my friends without the graft, but Dr Chet does not use belly or thigh grafts which are prone to poor outcomes.

Madeline and Melissa,
Thank you both  for your inputs on a very interesting question.  I'm actually very glad the subject came up before finding myself in the office with the good doctor. At least now I have time to think about how I would respond if confronted with such a choice.
As it happens, like you Melissa, since I am doing this surgery I would like to come out of it with all options open...
Hugs
Donna

Orange Pills and Squeezy Bottles

For those of you who have been through this process you will know what that means. I'll leave it as an interesting surprise for those who follow. Let's just say you understand the benefits of clear soup. A few more drinks of fun are planned for later...

Yesterday my mother arrived from the UK. I'm so grateful - but had also planned to go it alone from the start. It was great to catch up on lost time - whatsapp and Skype are great ways to reduce distance but nothing compares to having someone close. Whether a friend or partner or family. Someone to talk with in English is a real benefit.

I was talking with another patient yesterday - a lovely Norwegian Goddess. She did her procedures a few weeks ago and was very happy with the result. I wish her well on her speedy recovery. And her delicious cooked breakfast. One interesting comment was loosing weight over the process of liquid diet. I certainly would not recommend it as a dietry aid. Long term it is not good for you.  Although actually I rather like my soups!


Before taking my little orange pills it was great to be able to go swimming in the pool. Warming myself in the humid air - and just relaxing with a good book. "Me time" I've long forgotten about in this Internet age. Which is why I'm writing here and not reading the next chapter.
Hmm something wrong there.

It was also good to get more large bottles of water from Tesco. Although you are provided a couple of 50cl water bottles a day, it is not enough when drinking a lot to be hydrated. And you certainly won't want to carry them after the operation. They insist on 4 days bed rest at the clinic, and at least 4-8 days in room at hotel, another 8 days within hotel grounds. Although this is definitely the first time I'm recommended GatorAid; Fizzy pop and other sugary drinks from a Dr!

Tomorrow is the start of something new. And at the moment still pretty calm. I'm lucky I studied Reiki master and some body relaxation tricks but only use them to sleep when stomach complains of lack of solid food. Perhaps this explains why I feel so calm? Or just that having met the team I feel deep down that it was the right decision. My intuition plays a strong role in my life - when I listen to it. So now it's time to enjoy miso soup and green tea!

Dear Melissa - we are with you darling, and are ever so excited on your behalf for tomorrow's wonderful moment of self realisation and rebirth! 

A year from now I will almost certainly be following in your footsteps...

Huge hugs and love from Marbella

Passing Time

So tomorrow is VJ Day... And one approached with peaceful serenity. Finally. Dark clouds have drifted away and I see the next goals of my life crystallizing as I work on muscle and movement awareness. But that's for later

Today was dedicated to relaxing and enjoying myself even whilst the Swiff drinks were doing their best to keep me empty. Enjoying 30 mins of elliptical workout (definitely not overdoing it), overcharged for a Thai massage and talking with my mother and the Norwegian Goddess. Relaxing; whatsapp With family and friends. And generally being a bit of a hyperactive cheeky monkey.

The worst part of doing something - is the preparation. The worry of expectations and anticipations of something unknown. Once here things run smoothly and I'm in charge. Like presenting In front of the public. Years of charity work in the distant past helping to remove that stigma. So now... Time for sleep and relaxation and meditation.

Melissa,
Hopefully you will see this before heading off in the morning for the next big step in your own existence. I've been thinking of you very much all week and really admire the way you have handled the final days of waiting.
Wishing you a trouble free day tomorrow and a speedy and happy recovery.
Love and best wishes from Strasbourg.
Donna

Good luck with the Surgery Monkeymel. Glad to read that you're feeling so peaceful. I hope you'll have a swift recovery.

I wasn't sure I wanted/needed GRS, but I'm feeling more and more these days that I will at some point in the future.  One thing  I've often wondered about is how I would feel in those few days before.  Melissa, you're calm is an example to us all.  Looking forward to your next post.

Speedy recovery

Hugs
Joan

Push it forwards

Today's motto comes from my journal - time to push life forwards. Close one chapter and move on with the next. I just wish my over active mind would quieten. Sleep came fairly easily - but once awake I was thinking of work based projects (researching balance in low back pain patients) and flying to dreams of paragliding next year - swimming and conversations with friends. And trying to relax, be comfortable and meditate. All the while listening to my belly churning on nothing. There really are no fluids left inside - especially now that I'm nil by mouth.

Two hot cups of tea - with sugar - but no milk - one at 2:40 (oh well) and my last at 6:45. A really nice long hot shower - pamper my hair and body and enjoy it. Next one will be in about 8 days after vaginal packing and catheter are removed. So bring some cleansing wipes to freshen up during the day.

Also highly recommended (thanks mum) are moist Andrex toilet wipes. After the weekend of pills and Swiff you will be very happy to feel soft paper down there.

Today is now a waiting time. The Nurse came to introduce herself - as she will stay with me overnight and make sure I'm fine. She will also call the hotel to let mum know I've pulled through - which is really nice if you have friends or relatives staying with you. Being really tired the emotions lap like a little wave on the beach - I'm really lucky to have someone staying with me. For those who come alone - I really admire your spirit! But I also know you will be in good hands...

Until the other side....

(And thank you to all well wishers - I'll reply personally later this week)

Good luck!

Will be thinking about you all day

By the time you read this Melissa, it will be a very sincere and hearty WELCOME to THE OTHER SIDE.  It is not a continuation of your pre-op life, it is a new life separate and apart, but at last it is one truly yours.

VJ morning

Awake after surgery. I didn't sleep much and had a lot of lucid dreams but now it's breakfast. A lot of discomfort but I'll write more when feeling more worldly (and not spacey).

But a very professional feeling here.