So I posted a few months ago about my partner coming out as trans and me being a lesbian was being questioned a lot so I said if it would be easier on my partner I would say I was pansexual vs a lesbian. Believe me when I say it took my all to say that because I am a lesbian through and through but I love my partner and I always put him first. When his family started questioning me and then questioning him when I wasn't around saying things like "if she is a lesbian then why is she with you" or "she is just going to leave you for a chick" and "if she is with you and you're trans she must like dudes so she is going to leave you for a real man". All of these things have made our relationship so much harder because he is feeling so much heat from his family. He basically got mad that I said I would compromise who I am and not say I am a lesbian for him. Being with a trans man has been a big change for me so its been a lot to take in and now I feel I dont know how to talk to him about this stuff without him saying his family is right that if Im a lesbian I don't want him and if I say Im pansexual than Im just with him because I want a man.

I feel like Ive just babbled a lot but I need help! Im at a loss. I feel like no matter which way I turn Im somehow messing things up. I know my partner is going through a lot with his transition but I support him with everything and I really just need some support and any helpful tips. I feel he is judging me based on my orientation which sucks because since the day we met Ive accepted him as a butch lesbian and then soon after a trans man and I have never once questioned him.

Hi Mahmi, Sometimes labels are helpful, sometimes they are not.  In the end what matters is how you *feel* about your partner.  It's okay for you to identify as a lesbian and still love and be attracted to your partner as a man.  I suggest you continue to try and communicate your feelings to your partner.  He needs to trust what you tell him about your feelings, not what his family tells him about your feelings. 

I am MtoF and married to a heterosexual woman.  She loves me and fully supports my decision to transition. She is a little worried that people will see her as a lesbian.  She has nothing against lesbians (several of our friends are lesbians), but that is just not how she sees herself.  We have talked a lot about our future together and we both *expect* that we will stay together, remain be attracted to each other, and have a fulfilling sex life.  We also realize that her attraction to me or my attraction to her *may* change once I complete my transition.  That doesn't mean that we have to split up or even plan to split up. We'll figure that out if and when it happens.

Kim