Hello, everybody. I am Selim[Haven't decided about the name yet] a ftm. I am facing the toughest period of my life[no, not the puberty] My family isn't supporting me. My father is very aggressive and close-minded so there is no way I could ever tell him the truth, my mother knows and tried her best to give me the T without my father's signature or without making him to agree, my sister still can't conceieve it, and my brother is just as stubborn as my father. I live in Romania and there is nothing I can do about the cops to call them and get rid of my father. it's a very complicated situation, we have nowhere else to go. I "knew" I was a little boy from as long as I can remember. I didn't tell my mother til 12-13 because, when I asked her what did she want, she said a girl, so I tried as best as I could to "play" as a girl to my mother. I hated wearing dresses, though I accepted once just for her. To me, everything was simple. I am a boy, in a girl's body and a wheelchair, but in the future, for some strange reason, I saw myself as a tall man, rich and with a fedora on his head. I thought God will take care of this. Time passed by and I hit puberty and started to cry because "It is wrong, mom!" I left for Italy [where my brother lives] three years ago, and I lived there for 2 months, then returned for school, then left again for other two months, then returned for my sister's wedding. While I was there, a woman, very persuasive and obsessed with my brother, called my father and told him that my mother hides money from him[a total lie] He believed her, beat my mother when we got back and now we can't go there again, we can't leave and escape from my father so that I can continue my T. We have the car, we had a place to go, every time we tried to leave, something happened. Every single time! I am Christian so I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and prayed and nothing. I talked with a few religious people and they told me the same thing "You should live as a girl, that is why God doesn't want you to leave, He doesn't want you to do the transition" I am am currently almost 3 months on T, but since I kind of take it without the law knowing, just my doctor and I, I can't afford it for too long. I am depressed. I know I am a boy.. a male.. a man.. should I just give up? Is this against God's will? I can't wait til later because we're too stressed here, we need to leave, now. Please, I need an advice, some kind words or just.. please, pray for me, for I will pray for all of you in return.. Thanks to those who had patience to read.... God bless you, all! 

Hi Selim 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, I hope you can find the help you need and a way to be happy

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A big warm welcome Selim! You sound like you are in a very bad place in life and for that I am sorry. The only thing I can is things DO change. Maybe not right away, but it does happen. I am a Christian also and if you remember we pray, but G-D answers on G-Ds time. Not always do we get immediate results and sometimes we do not get results at all. He will reveal the plan for your life some day, but for some reason it is just not the right time now. Hang on to your belief though and never let it waiver no matter what. You have all of us now to help get you through the bad times you are having so never be afraid to ask for help or advice as often as you need to. It is not the same of course as real life friends who can hold you, but I hope our words and advice can bring a little comfort to you. 

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Thank you. I know God answers when He wants, but.. It's getting worse, I really need to leave, I don't know how to pray anymore.. I know I can sound like a whinny one, but I just can't take it anymore, we can't go outside, we don't have money, he is just horrible[my father]. I became paranoid.. Please, do you have any suggestion? Maybe a good prayer or. maybe I should pray more? or Is just God trying to tell me to give up and live as a female? I'm sorry, I don't know how to reply to each of you. I'm also sorry if it is written in the links you gave me, I haven't had a good sleep in 2 days and I tend to misread or miss things.. I hope no one minds.. And, sorry if my English is not THAT good.. it's not my native language, but I love it and I try to speak and write as best as I can

Come on guys, I'm sure someone must have some ideas, answers or good advice to help this person

Selim, please get out of there as soon as you can. By yourself, if you can't manage it with your mother, but get out. I found this list of shelters - some of them have email addresses if you are not able to make phone calls.

http://romania.usembassy.gov/acs/social-services.html

Why the urgency? Because I lost a friend to domestic violence some years ago - after living with his abuse for years, her husband finally shot her in the head, and then himself.

You seem afraid of the police - if they would not help you and protect you, then perhaps you have a friend or other relative that could get you to a women's shelter? And for the purposes of escaping, yes, act like a scared woman. Once you're safe, you can resume T and being yourself.

Please please please get out of there to a safe place.

-Jay

Quote from: JayDawg on July 25, 2014, 07:28:31 PM
Selim, please get out of there as soon as you can. By yourself, if you can't manage it with your mother, but get out. I found this list of shelters - some of them have email addresses if you are not able to make phone calls.

http://romania.usembassy.gov/acs/social-services.html

Why the urgency? Because I lost a friend to domestic violence some years ago - after living with his abuse for years, her husband finally shot her in the head, and then himself.

You seem afraid of the police - if they would not help you and protect you, then perhaps you have a friend or other relative that could get you to a women's shelter? And for the purposes of escaping, yes, act like a scared woman. Once you're safe, you can resume T and being yourself.

Please please please get out of there to a safe place.

-Jay

I think this is very good advice and you should absolutely look into it. But it sounds as if you're under the age of 18 from what you said? If you are be very, very, very careful please. I agree you SHOULD get out and if your mum won't do so with you? I'm sorry but you're just going to have to leave her and come back for her when you can. You are in a dangerous and negative situation and it takes a lot of bravery to actually leave instead of just talking about leaving. Some people don't have that bravery, if your mum gets beaten and ->-bleeped-<- and whats to leave? She might be too scared and you can't wait for her. If you care about her the best thing would be to leave your self and come back for her when you can make a difference.
-ANYWAY reason I mentioned about you being young (I assume) is that I'm not sure what would happen if you went to a shelter of some sort. If because you're under 18 they might send you back to your parents? If they for some reason did that then things would just get worse. I dunno google research shizzle or something find a way to leave safely, make a plan!

Anyway just thought Jay's advice was very real and very helpful so wanted to double point it out and encourage you to make use of it. Don't just talk about change make it!

But what I REALLY want to say my self which I'm afraid no one else will say is screw God dude.... Seriously..... If you wanna believe in that stuff fine alright, believe in what ever you want but you HAVE to stop the praying for help! I don't care who I offend saying this because this is your life! You CANNOT believe that if you pray some magical greater power is going to fix things for you, because anyone who believes that IS wrong! The sooner you stop praying and the sooner you spend that time actually working towards what YOU want the better.

God is NOT trying to send you a secret hidden message, God is NOT going to fix this for you. Please realize that your life isn't written in stone and that you have SO much power if you'll only reach out and grab it. You can 100% be a MAN and a rich and successful one at that with what ever kind of hat you want on your head! But YOU have to make it happen no one else.
You have insane power over the future, YOUR future just take control and stop believing some higher power has control over your life.

Please get out of this situation immediately..its a bomb shell waiting to happen . Even if your mother wont come with you, your life is important and has so much meaning in this world. Like Rabbit said it takes courage to leave and you can come back to her.

You can't rely on praying to save you, your life is in your own hands (for the most part+others around you). Its not gonna stop the abuse. With that being said if child services is not an option for some unknown reasons please be directed to the transgender housing network where you can find help all over the world--> http://www.transhousingnetwork.com/ . Assuming you are under 18, you are still able to use this website.

Thanks, everybody, but I really can't. I depend on my mother with everything. Going to the bathroom, washing, changing clothes, I have tetraparesis. Yes, I am very aware of the fact that you can't just ask and wait for something to happen, but there's nothing else I could do, they would just send me back in my family or in an adoption center or something like that where they completely ignore you. If I could walk and be on my own.. I wouldn't be afraid, because I am not dumb to have no idea how to take care of myself, it's just that I can't. if I want to be able to walk, I have to do some interventions in either Ukraine where it costs 2000 Euros per surgery, or Italy, where it is 750. your answers are good and I thank you all, but if I would, the people there would just put me on a bed and forget me there, my mother and I thought about the divorce, but my father doesn't want one and he will make sure it won't happen.. using his fists. the only thing we have left is to run away. honestly. I wouldn't just post such things on the internet, then say no to every answer. it's just.. you have to see it so you can believe it. thanks again, everybody.

My heart pains me, i dont know what to do to help

I'm so sorry for your pain , I wish I could take it from you. I have a great love for god. A lot of times when I've been in terrible pain, because I have rheumatoid arthritis I pray so hard for god to take the pain away, but it seems god does things in god's way, I will never let god's love leave me and I'll pray for you.

God would never let one of his children suffer as you are, you were born this way, regardless of whether by purpose or accident, and now your will is being tested. Never, ever loose hope, if you do, you have already lost the battle, but you are still fighting and that is the most important thing. If you are up against a hard place, my suggestion is, safety first, get as far away from your father as possible, make sure he cannot find you. Also seek a housing project alongside your mom, where you both can be together and you can continue your transition. Don't stop because of your father. And never ever loose your will, if you believe it so, god will make sure you are safe where you can live as your true self, but you have to work for it and so far you are doing what you can, that's what matters.

No one deserves to be in your position Selim, I really want you to not only get out of your currently situation but thrive in life.

Hey Selim,

I can only imagine how horrible it is for you right now.  I think your personal safety and your mother's is the highest priority.  I don't know how accessible the social services are in your country, but it's worth looking into services that help mothers and their children get out of domestic violent situations.  These programs provide safe temporary housing for mothers and their children that are completely confidential so the fathers can't find them. 

Once you are safe, address the physical requirements and issues, like getting medical care for your condition.  Then, once your basic needs are met and you're stable, worry about T.  I know it's hard to put off your transition, but your health and safety come first. 

At one point I was living in my car, working 2 jobs because I couldn't live with family.  I waited until I had my basic needs met and then pursued T.  Then, later, I experienced some health problems and had to stop T for a while (unrelated to T).  It was a very difficult time.  Eventually, I got back on T.  So, I understand the frustration of letting go of something that is key to your sense of identity and putting off something that makes you happy.  But being alive and healthy is more important than T. 

Good luck.

I'm kinda in a similar boat accept none of my family accepts me and my dad is the one who is willing to let me go ahead and transition. Sometimes I don't understand what God was thinking when he made me considering he knew I would be suicidal and hurt still am but I just see me being trans as a test its a hard one and there is def alot of stuff still don't understand, I pray sometimes but I know God doesn't answer on anyone elses time he answers on his. You need to get out of the house the for your own good. And keep praying God will answer eventually or he will put other people in your life. I was watching a woman on youtube about how everyone was downing this black transmen telling him that he's a woman still an God hates him and like she said no one knows what God intended for anyone and believe he very well but the heart and soul of a man into us as well as him. He works in mysterious ways.

I wish I could give your mom and you the strength and resources to leave and be safe. I'm sorry I have nothing of value to offer.

I wish I knew that being disabled and in a domestic violence situation was enough to guarantee assistance and asylum somewhere, but I know it's not that simple. Individual lives don't seem to be in mind when a lot of policy is written.

I have nothing useful to say. If I were you I would keep praying and trying to be as safe as possible. If you can get through this you might be able to transition later. I don't think you should run away without your parent, and I'm not sure I would think you should even if you could do so without help. Please hang in there, and check in when you can.

Please know that I would help you if I could, and that eventually someone will.

If you have a belief and faith in God, please believe that God will not forget about you, and does not want you to suffer forever.

I'm not religious either, but I deeply respect religious people. And I find it incredible that religious people use religion as their strength. To me, it doesn't matter what gives you strength in life.

That being said, praying may not help you right now, right away. And I deeply worry for your situation. I'm not sure how often your father is abusive, but would it be possible for you to gather evidence of him being so abusive? Of course, do keep your own safety in mind. Or will that not aid your case to get him away from you and your mom at all? I must say, I know nothing about your country and how abuse victims are helped, if at all.

I've tried to research your options and I can't come up with any better information than what JayDawg posted. He's right that taking action is important. Domestic violence kills people all the time, and it's too easy to normalize or rationalize it while it's happenening because it starts with small problems with loved ones and proceeds gradually. Once it's serious it can be very difficult to disentangle oneself from. I'm sorry I can't do anything. You are in our thoughts.