Did you finish the subject with, "Hi Dr. Nick!" too?
I have spent roughly an hour just reading stories on this website and I have never felt so normal and at home in my life. I'm 25 years old, biologically female but I have always identified as male, as far back as I can remember having a physical interest in anybody it has always been females and never as a female myself, but as a male version of myself. I've always obsessed over it but kept it to myself. Nobody in my life ever knew, nor do they know now, although I once told an elder sibling (ES) when I was around 6 years old that maybe one day something magic would happen and I'd get to live life as a boy. I suspect ES always sorta knew, and confronted me a few times but always in a way that was derogatory and unhelpful.
I used to eat a lot to combat depression related to suppressing my true self, and so I gained weight from my early teens onwards. Puberty was fairly unkind to me in several ways... I ballooned even more due to PCOS, and not knowing why I was suddenly growing all this hair on my body and face confused and depressed me even more. I cursed myself for ever wishing I could be male, thinking I'd done it to myself. I hated my body already, but I became unable to even feign femininity any more and so I became even more socially awkward, eventually retreating into mild agoraphobia and depression, which was easy living at home. I locked myself in my room and read, wrote and daydreamed all about the life I was supposed to have. The tall, handsome biologically male I wish I'd been... instead I was this short, fat, androgynous female.
Something had to give, and eventually I left home when I turned 21. I left behind my entire family. I felt no attachments to them. They didn't know the real me, and I knew they would never accept it. I hauled myself out of my rut and began to exercise, eat right and lose weight. I went from being nearly 300lbs at 5'5 to my current 165lbs. My excess testosterone from my PCOS has helped me feel more masculine naturally... I bulk up quite quickly, but I still have a way to go to earn a passably male body -- a lot of my 'softness' needs to go.
I'm slowly beginning to change my appearance to live a more masculine life. I cut my hair short over a year ago, and I sometimes go out with my natural 5 o'clock shadow. I get stares sometimes, and questions from little kids about whether I'm a boy or a girl (usually when I've shaved my face, and I still tame my eyebrows -- which are naturally thick and bushy; haven't had the courage to let those grow yet, but soon). I'm still pear-shaped and I don't bind, but I've always worn quite flattening sports bras, which make my [sadly rather ample] breasts feel more like solid pecs.
I haven't decided on a name yet, and I haven't really thought about beginning a transition with the help of my GP or anybody else.
So that's my life in a nutshell. I look forward to meeting all of you wonderful people.
