Hi, everyone.  I could really use some support right now.

My dad is in the hospital.  He's been there for the past two days and it's pretty bad.  The doctors say he should make a full recovery, but it's going to take a while.

About a week ago, he fell off a ladder and broke five ribs.  He went to the hospital in the town hes at and instead of doing anything tangible all they did was give him pain meds... morphine, and a lot of it.  And not just once, but twice he went to the hospital and they did the same thing.  After a few days, my dad was acting delirious and incoherent.  Finally his friend called the hospital again because he could tell something was wrong and was worried he was having an overdose.  He was therel for several hours before getting transferred up here because that hospital is a freaking joke. 

So, what they have found now is he's got a lot going on with him.  They said he's got the broken ribs, which may have punctured his lung.  He has a serious case of pneumonia and a MRSA infection.  By the time they finally got him in there, his oxygen levels were dangerously low and he had an extremely high fever - hence the delirium.  He may have suffered brain damage, and he may have a failing kidney.  They said other things, but I can't think of them all right now.

I have been to the hospital to see him these past couple days, and it's awful.  They had to restrain and sedate him because he kept fighting the doctors and nurses and trying to get out of the hospital, even though his life was in danger, and was too incoherent to understand that.  They are having to keep him on a ventilator, because his lungs are so badly damaged and full of fluid he can't really breathe on his own and he's hooked up to all sorts of stuff.  On top of that they have to keep him sedated while he's on it because he keeps trying to fight them and pull the tube out so they pretty much had to tie him down to the bed.  That's the worst part.  Even though hes sedated he's still partially conscious and he keeps trying to fight and get up out of the bed.  Last night he kept flailing his legs around and trying to get up and tossing his head back and forth.  He pulled out his IV and messed up his catheter and there was all this blood and... I just couldn't... I had only been in there about 15 minutes but I had to leave.  I have never had something freak me out so much to make me just get up and walk out of the room.  It was horrible...  I can't stand seeing him like this.  He just looks like he's being tortured.  I know they are doing it to save his life, but I wish they could just knock him out.  I don't even want to imagine what that must be like, what he must be going through right now.  I really hope once they let him off the sedation he won't remember any of it. 

I don't know, my brain just feel like mush right now and I am so emotionally drained.  This is such bad timing too.  We just lost my grandma almost exactly a month ago, and now this.  On top of everything else that's going on, it's just too much.  I feel like I'm just existing right now, everything else is out of my control.  Been on the verge of a breakdown since yesterday, but I freaking hate crying.  I'm not even sure if I have the energy to cry.  I am so exhausted from not sleeping and hardly eating and I don't even know what to do.  I'm not sure if I can go back to the hospital today.  I want to be there for him, but I don't know if I can handle seeing him like that anymore.

I was doing so good too, I thought.  I'd even just quit smoking.  But now I feel like my life is just falling apart around me and I'm about to loose everything.  I wish I could go back to two months ago when everything was still okay.  I don't know what happened.  Why does it seem like when things are going well that's when life wants to take a big fat dookie on your parade?  I kind of just want to hide under a rock.  Wouldn't get this rain cloud of doom out from over my head, but at least I'd be dry...ish? 

He's going to recover and that's what's important.  I know I'll get through this, and my family will get through this.  But right now it's a lot to take.  I'm scared... like really scared.  I thought I knew what fear was, but this is the most terrifying thing I have ever been through and I don't know what to do.  I wish I had someone to talk to right now, but I don't really want to burden my friends with all this.  I just wish I knew a way to distract myself, but my brain just feels like mush and I can't focus on anything.  Just typing this is making me tired.

Any support or advice would be very much appreciated.

Kaiden, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It's horrible when anyone you love has a medical crisis -- and I think it's way worse when that person is your parent. There's all the fear of losing someone who's been so important in your life... and I think there's also something about seeing a parent that helpless, that dependent, that can just shake a son or daughter to the core: it's NOT how it's supposed to be. Add to that the rage you feel when one of the big reasons for the crisis is medical ineptness/malfeasance, and it's one hell of a lot to handle.

You're allowed to feel overwhelmed by this -- it's natural.

And, yeah, it sounds like you really do need someone to talk to. One place to start might be with a social worker at the hospital -- they get that this stuff is incredibly hard on families, and part of their job is to provide some support. They should be able to refer you to a source of free, short-term counseling, or the hospital may have a program with volunteers who are trained to listen to and help family members who are having a rough time. (A program like that was invaluable to me when my brother was dying from complications of AIDS several years ago: between his illness and my mother's absolutely awful, narcissistic behavior, I was at my wits' end, just feeling that I couldn't cope, and a volunteer saw me in the hallway trying not to cry -- he scooped me up, took me for coffee, and just sat with me and listened for a couple of hours. It made a huge difference.)

Also, even if you're not religious, the hospital probably has a chaplain who's well able to listen to family members and help them deal with this stuff -- that's a huge part of their work, and they're usually trained in counseling.

Any of the nurses can put you in touch with a social worker or with the chaplain.

If you find you can't be around your dad much right now, please don't beat yourself up over it. It sounds like he's going to need your love and support even more in the longer term, as he recovers, and the best thing you can do for him right now is to take care of yourself -- you can't help him if you're a mess.

Friends are also important -- I understand all too well that thing about "not wanting to burden them," but sometimes giving friends a chance to be there for you is a gift you can give them: if they love you, being able to help could mean a hell of a lot to them. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing: you don't have to dump everything on a friend's shoulders -- just let them know you're going through a rough patch and could use some company... someone to make you a nice dinner or go for a walk with you... even someone to come to the hospital with you and just be there to be your support system. It's all good.

Take care of yourself, and feel free to PM me if you want to -- I've been through this type of medical adventure quite a few times now, and I get how rough it is.

You're stronger than you think you are. Part of being strong is knowing when to ask for help, and you're doing that, which is great.

Thanks, Tysilio.    I am feeling a bit better now.

Yeah, I don't think I am going to be going today.   I just don't think I can handle it.  I think I just need a day to try to relax.  Every time someone mentions going to the hospital I start feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack.   I feel like I should be there, but you are right, I need to take care of myself and I don't want to have an overload.  I don't know, if my cousin ends up going I might go with her because it helps when shes there, but I don't want to be there alone.  When I do though I will definitely ask if there is someone to talk to.  I think that would really help. 

Thanks for the advice, man.

I think Tysilio is right on and am glad he gave some excellent advice.

I don't have much to add except to let you know you are in my thoughts and hoping you can get some sleep and maybe a snack, too.

God, I am really sorry that you are going through all this.  I wish I could be more helpful, but I did want to say hang in there. 

Thanks, guys.   It's good to know that people care.

Good news, my brother went up there today and when he came back he said my dad was awake now.  He's coherent and responsive and cooperating with staff; he couldn't talk because he still has to be on the ventilator, but he's communicating through nods and hand gestures.    I kinda wish I would have gone now.  I didn't think he'd be doing so much better, but I probably needed the rest.  Thankfully I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and I'll be heading to the hospital afterwards.  God, I am just so relieved he is actually awake and doing okay now.  I feel like I might actually be able to get some sleep tonight.

Sorry to hear you are going through this, it sounds tough and more than anyone needs to be dealing with.

Quote from: ~Kaiden on July 27, 2014, 11:53:57 AM
He's going to recover and that's what's important.  I know I'll get through this, and my family will get through this. 

I think this is the take away gem from what you have said, there is a hope and there is a light at the end... it's probably gonna be tough getting to a point where things will be good but if the likely prognosis is your dad will recover then that is hope you can hang on to.

I know you said you didn't want to burden your friends with this but you can always ask them first, "hey, I'm going through some tough times and heavy stuff with my dad and other things... can I talk to you about it?" If they can I'm sure they will be happy to listen.

Take care of yourself and I hope your dad recovers soon!

Thank you, Ms. Grace.

Sorry for the slow replies to you and to the people who have PMed me.  Thank you all so much, I really do appreciate all your kind words and I will reply as soon as I can muster.  I've just been feeling really anti-social the past few days.  Bah, that's always been a big issue with me.  The more stressed I get the more anxious I get and the more anxious I get the more I want to isolate, but I'm really trying not to do that.  I can feel part of myself really trying to fall into that, because since I was a kid that's always been sort of my defense mechanism when things go wrong, but I can't do that to myself anymore.  It always seems as though when I need to talk and connect to people the most is when I tend to withdraw.  It's not healthy and not a good state to be in.

But yes, hope and knowing that he will recover is what I am hanging on to right now.  I have mentioned whats going on to my closest friends, but haven't been able to bring myself to actually talk about it much.  It's kind of silly, I'm always happy to lend an ear to a friend in need, but when it comes to myself I am terrible at asking.  Just not something I am used to doing because I have a bad habit of always trying to deal with things on my own, eh...  I went to see my therapist on Monday though and got to let everything out.  She basically said the same thing Tysilio said, to try to just take care of myself first and be there for him when I can.  I have been trying, but I haven't really been able to figure out what to do with myself.  It's been weird, I haven't really felt present as of late, if that makes any sense.  Like I'm having some sort of out-of-body experience.  I think I kind of emotionally shut down after seeing my dad on Monday.  I haven't been able to bring myself to go back since.  I mean, he's doing better, off the ventilator and sedation, but it was still really stressful to see him like that.  He was weak, still having trouble breathing, really loopy from the medication, and all he could talk about was going home.  He has to have someone in the room with him at all times because he keeps trying to get out of the bed and pull all his stuff out.  He was really agitated and clearly in pain.  When we would try to explain to him that he had to stay, he would get angry and curse at everyone, then he would just lay there and yell out "help" and "please" over and over again... it was depressing, to say the least.

I feel kind of crappy about not being there for the past three days, but every time I even thought of going to the hospital I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.  I'm feeling better tonight though, and I'm going to try to go up there tomorrow.  I suppose, like you said Tysilio, I shouldn't beat myself up over it.  I am doing my best to just keep myself level, and part of that is giving myself some time to be alone and gather myself.  I just have to be careful, because like I said, in the past I have had a tendency to take it too far and wind up making things worse for myself.  Had this happened two years ago, I could have easily locked myself in my room for two or three weeks in front of a video game and literally not speak to anyone during that time.  I'm happy to say I have not done this since I came out of the closet, and I don't intend to start again.

My therapist said something interesting.  She said she is impressed by my ability to know when and how far to push myself without going "over the edge", as she put it.  I never really thought of it like that.  I just always thought I was doing what I had to do, but it was encouraging.  I suppose I have been pushing myself quite a bit over the past year trying to get my life together.  And I think that's a big part of what's keeping me from falling apart right now.  When I think about it, I really have come a long ways from where I was.  I'm not about to throw all that progress out the window.  I still need to carry on with my life and keep moving forward, and it's good to have that to focus on instead of constantly worrying about my dad.  Aside from all this family stuff going on, life has been pretty good to me and things have been looking up, and that's something to be grateful for.  If it wants to throw lemons at me, so be it.  I truly believe that the things that don't kill us make us stronger, and I take solace in the fact that this is only temporary and he is improving every day.  In the mean time, I'm not just going to be making lemonade, I'm gonna be making strawberry lemonade, or maybe even raspberry.  Yes!  That's what I'll do.  Because berry lemonade is awesome. 

Anyway, all lemons aside, I'm hoping things go better tomorrow at the hospital than they have been.  My grandpa has been going over there two or three times a day, which I am really glad about, and he said that my dad is improving and hes able to eat now, although he's still expressing he really doesn't want to be there.  I don't know why he has to be so darn stubborn, but if anyone can talk him into anything it's my grandfather, lol.  I am actually really amazed by my grandpa right now.  He just lost his wive of over 60 years barely a month ago, and now this is happening to his son, and he is the calmest and most optimistic of everyone.  I honestly don't know how he does it.  He has so much strength in him.  I can only wish I had that kind of strength. 

Thanks again, everyone.    I'll let ya'll know how things go tomorrow, here's hoping for the best.

Glad to hear your dad is getting better and I'm keeping you in thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Kaiden, I'm so glad that your father is recovering and that things are going better for you.

And I'm impressed as hell with the way you're handling this -- you should be feeling pretty proud of yourself. One of the coolest things that can come out of good therapy, and all the hard, painful work we put into it, is going through something rough and realizing, "Hey -- I'm actually dealing with this!"

Yer doin' good, man. Hang in there.

Quote from: TysilioYou're stronger than you think you are.

I love being right. 

I'm glad to hear your father is doing better.  MRSA infections are nasty - expect him to be there for a while as they clear it up.  It sounds like treatment was started in time, and in due course, a good recovery will follow.

If it makes you feel any better, the paranoia and delirium is very common to major infections - once it clears lucidity follows rapidly.  It hurts to see a loved one in such a state, but reassure yourself it's transitory.

Totally understand the need to turtle up - sometimes that's all we can do to gather our thoughts and feelings together.  You heard it from a few people... Look after yourself!