I'm still kinda new here, but the response I got from my last post helped my come out to my parents, so I know I can count on the members of this site for support.

So, I recently came out as a trans girl to my close friends and parents and am seeing a therapist this Wednesday. My gender-fluid girlfriend is pansexual, so she had no problem with me being a girl and I didn't really have a problem with them, considering they were never really a male around me. Besides, I've known them for almost 5 years and we've been together for almost a year and a half.

They recently told me that they want to transition into a male because they hate being female. Again, I fully support (I guess it's him now). After getting his hair cut, stopped using make up, and I gave him some of my clothes, she's lucky enough to be extremely passable. Although he has not revealed himself to his parents, he seems happier than he used to be, and I'm happy for him.

I love him to death, but part of me wanting to transition myself is that I have no desire for the male form. I can appreciate an attractive male and be emotionally attached to one, but I'm definitely not sexually attracted to them. It's kinda hard to explain. I just don't even like men touching me unless I'm just giving someone a hug or something, but other than that, it's just really uncomfortable for me.

So I guess my problem is that the more I support him and accept him for who he is, the less attracted to him I am, and I feel terrible about it because I still love him and we don't get to see too much of each other (because her parents are insane). We've been through so much together and I can't imagine losing him, but I don't know if I can be with him as a male. I don't even know what to say to him anymore.

Does anyone have any advice?

so please no offence at this question, just trying to clarify  the problem. You both love each other deeply. She has no problem with you being a women but you have a serious problem with her being a man.

That's pretty much it. I have no problem with accepting him for who he is now, but I'm just not attracted to males.

Awww, sounds like you care a lot about him.

I think you should voice your concerns, I am sure he will understand. A relationship without physical or sexual attraction is difficult to mantain, but I wouldn't say it is impossible but requires more work.

Ultimately you gotta decide what is best for you only. If it doesn't make you happy then it is not worth and I am sure you could remain friends.

I kniw all I said is easier sad than done, so I hope you just come to figure out what is best for you.

Edit: sorry dor the typos and incorrections, I am on my phone!

It sounds to me very selfish.  Hes willing to accept you, and your transition.  You are not willing to accept his.  I would think that your an extremely lucky woman to have someone so open minded.  You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel.  Trying to talk him into not becoming his true self because you feel bad, is worse in my mind than a cis person doing that.  Compassion and empathy are whats needed.

Whoa, whoa. That's not what I'm saying at all! I completely accept him and his decision to transition. It's not a matter of acceptance, it's a matter of sexuality. He just happens to be sexually attracted to males and females, but I am not attracted to males. I would never try to change who someone is, especially when it comes to something of this magnitude.

If I am totally honest with myself, don't believe I could be with a man. Even if I had known that man as a woman. It isn't about love, it is about attraction. I am just not attracted to men, regardless of which parts they have.

I totally sympathize, I don't know what I would do, I could love someone of any gender, but I don't believe I could continue to romantically love someone I wasn't attracted to. My heart goes out to you both.

I thought your question was quite clear.  Your issue is about sexuality, not gender identity.  This just might be one of those times when it just isn't going to work on that level.

How many posts have we seen where a transitioner posts about their spouse not being a lesbian (for a MTF transition).  Everyone seems to accept that the relationship will not work at a sexual attraction level.  No blame, just the way people are.  Your situation is no different.  Due to your partner's own sexuality, he has no issue with your gender AND sexuality.  It might not have been the case if he had been a straight female.  My advice is to communicate what you are feeling, do what you can to keep the friendship and see how his gender identity manifests itself over time.

As an aside, I was a bit amused by some of the responses that raised acceptance of him as an issue etc.  The distinction between gender identity and sexuality seemed to have been forgotten.  I wonder why?

Thank you. I would hate for anyone to think I'm not accepting of people. I'm rather upset as it is. Talking it out seems like the best solution. I can only hope he understands.

I hope that the following can offer a degree of insight.

On some level, I can empathize as to struggling with attraction to your partner. I identify as heterosexual (attracted to men), but the reality is that I am not wholly attracted to anyone. My sexuality is very splintered, for lack of a better definition, and it is something I have struggled with throughout my life. I am not asexual, I am absolutely a sexual person, but my sexuality isolates what it's attracted to from either gender.

**Skip this bit if you don't want to know the details of what I described above.**

For example, with males, I am attracted to penises, the upper body, and height, but feel indifferent towards legs, voice, and the face -- unless the voice or face is particularly off putting or attractive (this includes hair). With females, I am attracted to legs and voices, but I feel indifferent towards the upper body and vaginas. Regarding female faces, I am attracted to the median range of looks, but feel complete indifference towards very off putting faces (as in, no sense of repulsion) and seem to lump very attractive faces in with moderately attractive faces. I find female size extremely off putting, however, where I have no such equivalent with males.

So what does this mean for me? Essentially, it means that as soon as I feel attraction to anyone, it is almost immediately dispelled by the sections of indifference. It can be extremely frustrating, considering that I do have a desire to fulfill sexual needs. The only coping mechanism I have found is to base my romantic engagements on emotion. While I am capable of this with either men or women, I do find it a bit easier to be romantically involved with males; it could be that their masculinity makes me feel more feminine by contrast (which is important to me), or it could simply be that I like the typical, culturally defined exchange between male and female (I know -- how superficial of me).

**End ramble.**

I do have a boyfriend. I adore him. He means the world to me. Did I have concerns about sexuality at first? I did, of course, but I managed to be at peace with myself by accepting the overall investment. Still, it may be a bit easier for me since I do have little bits and pieces in my sexuality that I can apply to my partner. As an individual who this issue is forced on, it could be difficult for me to empathize with someone who does have the option to be with a wholly attractive person. If I come off that way, I am very sorry. My aim was to impart my coping mechanism to you, in the event that you wanted to try and make an effort with your partner, regardless of your sexuality.

Also, as a random note, I have heard that HRT some times makes a person's sexuality more fluid. It certainly made me feel more indifferent and less bothered by my not so favored body parts on either gender. If you aren't yet on HRT, you may find that it could help with your situation and allow you to focus more on your emotions. Whatever it is you decide to do, I hope you find happiness with it. Good luck!

Unrelated: time to change my signature to "Why do I always write such incredibly long posts?"

Talk to him and support each other. Keep open communication and move forward with honesty and love. If your sexual relationship ends then there are options. In the end, be kind.

Quote from: rook on July 27, 2014, 02:52:56 PM
Thank you. I would hate for anyone to think I'm not accepting of people. I'm rather upset as it is. Talking it out seems like the best solution. I can only hope he understands.

it seems the way you've  stated it is that the only possible out come is for you two to remain friends . He's needs to transition as much as you I'm supposing.

These types of things can work out over time. I would not rush to any conclusions.

You would be surprised what time, love and hormones can do for a relationship.

But many people are not attracted to men or women... and many of us learned that the hard way.