Solid necro lol...

I think its pretty common and normal, right now my nails are trashed and I haven't shaved below the neck in a week. I just need a day to shake my self and go "what the hell am I doing???", then poof, brows are done, nails trimmed and legs silky

I think its all just part of the normalization period. Not everyday will be soul-crushing, and not every day euphoric. Just another day.

It happens to me all the time. I can go through weeks accepting that I am a guy living a guy's life being a husband, a dad and a friend to other guys. I suppose at those times I am just busy getting along with life. Normal busy life doesn't give me time to think about gender.

However when things slow down and I have time to give to myself, that's when I get the lovely warm feminine feelings and I feel female inside and outside. I then feel a better person and I appreciate who I am and what I am. I just love being feminine.

I totally understand.

I have a strange fear that one day I will wake up and the person I used to know as myself will be gone, and everything I identified as will never be seen again.

I know that most of the time what triggers these periods is a mystery, but I think that sometimes it occurs in situations where we are very conscious of how we are perceived. After all, our identities are to some extent sensitive to how we are seen by others. For me, in situations where the environment makes me feel very feminine (like when I'm around boys!) I suddenly lose my FtM identity. But I think I have an inherent, built-in male gender identity that eventually pushes through.

Oh well. Does this off-and-on cycle ever stop? I'm pre-op. Will transition influence anything?

I think this feeling is very common in transwomen and not at all rare in transmen. Part of why I put off transition so long was that playing the role of a woman was often very rewarding. I figured my kid needed a mom and my boyfriends obviously liked my feminine details, so I frequently had days where I felt like I could settle into being female and not change.

Now I forget that I'm trans all the time, but it's in the other direction. I feel like a regular guy until I go swimming or have sex or something, and then I'm reminded that I don't have standard equipment.

Having it now. It's been more like a week. I HATE HATE HATE this phase but I'm no stranger to it. I was making such good progress on laying out what I wanted and how to go about getting it. But now I just want to throw all my plans away. I want to grow my beard, work out, I want to be the go to strong guy who can fix any problem and sort everything out. I guess I just want to feel the testosterone take it all away.

Also being in this phase gives me too much time to think. I'm sort of wondering if this whole thing isn't the result of "daddy problems". Just remembering the s**t when I was younger and he'd visit me once a fortnight, how disinterested he was in doing anything or helping me out and actually seemed to struggle to even hold any sort of conversation with a 13 year old. Makes me kind of angry. If he was actually a dad to me he could have taught me how to be a man and maybe spared me all this damn BS. So now I'm looking towards people I don't even know to give me an idea of how to be a man, hell I'm even trying to become like a fictional character right now - how lame is that.

This time last week I thought I had it the upper hand and I was getting ready with moving forward. Damn, just ... damn.