I'm only putting this here because non-binary is the only term I can connect with for certain. In my recent history(the past few months), I've been asked numerous times to explain what I am, and I honestly don't know what to say. If anyone would like to read through this and give me some guidance, it would be appreciate, but I'd honestly just be happy to tell someone.
I was born a male in that I have male genitalia. My mother tells me the doctor who delivered me had some issue regarding my penis being inside me when I was born, but she honestly doesn't remember the details of it. During my teens, I experience some pretty extreme complications, one of which was a complete loss in foundation in my gender identity. I found that when I did feminine things like shave my legs or take up stereotypical female roles, I felt better about myself. I didn't want to become a female, I didn't want to transition to a woman, but I didn't want to be a man either. I took up crossdressing and it was literally the happiest I had ever felt, but again, I had absolutely no desire for SRS, I liked my penis the way it was. It wasn't a sexual thing either, in fact it wouldn't be for years that I would even experience the sexual aspect of crossdressing. I just felt... empowered and healthy and right. At the same time, I was very much a boy. I enjoyed boyish things, hanging out with guys, pretty much thought girls were the worst thing ever(I've matured beyond this, of course =P). It just felt right to be "in between", but I always had to remind myself that I wasn't genetically in between, I was a male, and I didn't want to offend intersex people by placing that title on myself.
My body was going along with this as well. After developing mild gynecomastia and the ability to lactate, I had my hormone levels checked to discover I had low testosterone and elevated estrogen. My doctor even asked if I had been taking estrogen supplements, which I had not. Shortly after this, I was told that some level of hormone therapy would possibly be helpful in dealing with some mental issues I was going through at the time(depression, social anxiety, attempted suicide). At the time, my life was going no where. I was working 40 hours a week, but I was also living with my parents and had absolutely no intention of progressing beyond that as I was certain I would take my life before I could achieve anything. When the option presented itself, I felt I had nothing to lose. It was a hard choice; I absolutely did not want to be more masculine, so male HRT was out of the question, but the thought of having even larger breasts also bothered me.
I ended up taking female HRT, and immediately felt my anxiety and depression vanish. It practically was a magic pill that cured my problems... while introducing others. I moved out of my parents house and 2000 miles away from anything I had ever known, changed my name to a female name(something which I did pretty much just because I could, and I didn't like my birth name), and enrolled in college within a year.
Now, 4 years later, I'm about to graduate, I've stopped taking the HRT, and I feel fine. I've had no anxiety or depression, in fact my social life is getting much better, but I've only been off them for about a month. The only physical thing that the HRT changed was making my breasts grow a bit, but not much. I honestly wish they hadn't grown at all, but I can live with it. That and the face grease, my god the face grease. I could lube a car engine with this crap.
I'm 5'5", and have always been mistaken for a girl regularly. In fact, as an adult, it's rare for people to address me as a male, even if I bind my chest flat. I honestly don't know what my body shape is. One day I will feel like the hulk, the next I will see curvy hips and small shoulders. My voice sounds absolutely male to me, but people over Skype or other voice-chat systems always think I'm a girl.
I don't know where I fit in the world. I don't strongly identify with either gender; I'll refer to myself as male just because I grew up that way, and I've off the mindset that male pronouns refer to those who are genderless or have unknown genders(i.e. you don't know if that person jogging outside is male or female, so most people say "he"), but I don't mind being called "she" at all. I still feel empowered when someone attributes something feminine to me, while being sickened by someone recognizing male attributes him. In example, I was used as an example in class of what a female neck looks like, and a teacher once reviewed my work saying "good girl", both of which made me giddy with joy. But then, my sister makes a comment about men being bigger and stronger than women, and even though she wasn't talking about me, I attribute it to myself because I'm a male, and I almost get offended by it(which is silly).
Only recently has it come to my attention that I have almost every symptom of Klinefelter's Syndrome(the big one missing is height, I'm a shrimp compared to the ideal KS guy), and I'm getting myself tested for XXY as soon as I can save the money. But I feel it will come back XY, and I'll feel just as lost as I do now. What am I? What is the term for someone who is born male, enjoys being feminine, has female secondary characteristics, took female HRT, but has absolutely no desire to become a woman?
As I said at the top, I get asked what I am a lot, and even when I don't, I feel uncomfortable letting people believe I'm a female or even identify as a woman(especially when I use male bathrooms... that's always fun). I wish I could just give them a term like intersex or some other biological definition, so that the onus is on them to learn it rather than on me to explain it. I can't explain it, it's unreasonable for me to give a detailed lecture of my anatomy to every person I meet. I mean I wouldn't care but it would make them uncomfortable.
