I hope I can find shoulders to lean against here. I need some support.

I've always been a girl, inside. It's just me, but now I've gotten a little scared of it.

Physically, I'm male but not very, if I may leave the embarrassing details unstated.

Over the past year I seem to have gone through some changes. This week, after a little investigation with an online size calculator, I bought a bra and found I fill a 44C just fine. It's all me (and, yes, I could stand to lose a little weight). I have to wear loose shirts because every time I move there is jiggle. The bra helps with that, and that's part of the problem. I like the way it helps. I feel confident, once the jiggle is under control, even though I know the risks of getting caught wearing a bra.

But there's something else.

All my life I've lived with having wide hips, undeveloped parts, and no Adam's apple. That's all no big deal. For some reason, the latest thing has popped my eyes wide open.

Last week I discovered I have female pattern digits. if you haven't heard of that, girls have shorter ring fingers than index fingers. My ring fingers are prominently shorter.

I'm scared to go out fully dressed as a woman, but I can't quite hide, either. For instance, I've worn either knee-highs or hose everywhere for the last week, and when I sit down at a restaurant I just don't care if anyone notices if my pants cuff rises up a little. I kind of want to get caught, but I don't want to be ridiculed, either - and I find myself sitting so my pants do show a little ankle. How repressed I must be if a little bit of ankle puts me on edge yet draws me to risk!

All the other things with my body should have been evidence enough of what's going on, but the female pattern digits have cemented it.

There is no going back. I was never there to begin with.

Well, welcome to the forum. There's a lot of knowlegable, caring people around so jump in and feel at home. 

Glad you're here!

Hugs,

A big warm welcome to the family Lacy!  First, please do not get caught up in the finger digit ratio thing. It is junk science if you can even call it science. None of the cis girls in my family passed it, so forget that part of it. The best thing you could do for yourself is a step many of us here have taken and that is to find a good Therapist with gender experience. They do help and provide quite a lot of guidance as well as letters for HRT and SRS if that is a goal for you. Here you will find out from real people exactly how things work and how to have a successful transition. You will see what works or doesn't with great first hand tips and suggestions for success. You now have access to this great family so use it often. 

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here, there be shoulders!
Support? Kath, you have come to the right place. This is a place of advice, understanding, acceptance and sometimes just plain silliness I will concur with Jessica, first step: find a therapist with gender experience.

safe journey, sis!

Welcome to Susan's Lacy,

I agree with Jessica and Ellie in a gender therapist is a great starting point.

There is always someone around to lend support.

Izzy

The advice of the other girls is very solid here.  You should get a GOOD gender specialist...not a "gatekeeper" trying to impede your progress, but someone who can help YOU determine whether you are female.

If so, the physical effects of the right hormones are ASTOUNDING (for me at least).  For me, my body is getting more and more aligned correctly with my female mind.

The mental changes that the right female hormones bring, are even more incredible.

If the hormones are right for you, I feel that you will know so, quickly after starting them.  When you get that far, anyway.

Hugs,
Johanna.

Welcome to the site. Hopefully you can find your help, and hopefully this site can help you build more encouragement to be yourself. Have a good time. -hugs-

Welcome to Susan's! As long as you take reasonable precautions to be safe there's no reason not to experiment a bit to see what you feel comfortable wearing in public. A lot of it depends on avoiding areas that may be dangerous, having a get away plan if things go pear shaped, going out with others rather than being alone, knowing the local laws and what your rights are if challenged. All the best!