Hi,

So I really don't know what to do anymore...

I am a pre-op, pre-T, pre-everything FTM who has had crushes on girls since 7. But the problem is, it seems like I can only become aroused by guys.

It wouldn't really be correct to label me bisexual because I have NEVER had a crush on a boy and totally CAN'T see myself in a relationship with a dude. Yet the idea of sex with girls just doesn't make me feel the same way as the thought of penetration and any type of sexual activity with men.

But what makes it even worse is that penetration conflicts with my gender identity. Being sexually aroused or having sexual fantasies is an extremely painful experience for me because even though it feels good, it leaves me dismayed, confused, and uncomfortable. It's like my body wants the polar opposite of my brain and heart.

Will I ever be able to have a relationship with anyone? Will anything change with transitioning? What can I do? HELP

I sometimes have those same conflicting feelings. Personally, I like people just as people. I figure I will work out how and if I want to be with a person, IF I ever actually meet someone who interests me.

You may want to not dwell on what is right or wrong in liking anyone and just let your feelings sort themselves out. You could also talk to a therapist about them and see if that helps. I think dwelling on the 'wrongness' of those feelings is what makes it so hard and confusing.

Some people feel their attraction changes when they get on hormones. Only way to find out if this is so for you, is to try it.

Noah, hugs

If you are not seeing a gender therapist then I think you may want to consider it. You have conflicts and need help sorting it all out. 

Gender and sexual orientation are from different parts of our brains so who your are attracted to can be confusing.

I was with guys for a period (7 years) then celibate (7 or 8 years) then meet a friend who became my wife (21 years). We never have much sex (once or twice a month at most) and I must see myself as a girl with a guy, always have. I love her and she me and most of all we are friends and enjoy each others company. 

I can relate to this a bit, Noah. I've always been more emotionally attracted to women but I went through a period where I was not really into female genitals and was really into penises. But then I had my own genital dysphoria that I was struggling with and negative feelings towards the idea of a man penetrating me. I later found out on my own that vaginal penetration can be enjoyable but I still struggle with my issues of being intimate with men.

However, since I've been on testosterone these last few months, I can barely think of men and I'm REALLY into women and what they have. So, although I identify as pansexual and queer, I am mostly heterosexual and have always been so, really. My experience with men is really quite miniscule, but I do have that attraction.

I think that my earlier issues with female parts were a projection of my own negative feelings towards that part of my body. I still have genital dysphoria but I'm not projecting it outward anymore. Also, there's probably some latent homophobic conceptions of masculinity when it comes to the notion of being penetrated in my case, due to the culture we live in. It's widely viewed that to be penetrated is "unmanly". And, being trans, we already have issues with that part of our body. It can cause a lot of anguish.

As for what to do, I found that time brings more clarity. I have a much more mature understanding of myself now than I did when I was just coming out and thinking of transitioning. Hormone therapy definitely helps in that process and brings new confidence and insight. But time and exploration are still the biggest factors, imo.

Ergh, I feel that, Noah- except sort of in the opposite way. I'm mostly gay, but it used to be really hard to have sexual feeling thinking of things other than me as a girl with girls, it was bizarre and really dysphoria-inducing. Testosterone actually really helped with that, because it sort of makes you want different things sexually. Also, it's pretty possible you could just like guys sexually but not romantically- that's how I am with girls. I hope you can figure it out soon!

Thank you guys, I love all of you and your supportive replies.

Yeah, it helps to separate out romantic and sexual orientation. And there are cis guys who enjoy penetrative sex too, it's not in itself a "gendered" activity.

Thanks guys.

Last night I masturbated while thinking about guys and then after I just broke down and started crying because I hated myself for it.

See, there's just this girl I really like and every time this problem shows up I just think to myself, see, this is why you could never make her happy, because you feel this way.

The whole thing is very complicated and painful. But your answers were helpful.

Hopefully everything will even out like some of you suggested.

You really shouldn't hate yourself. Really though Noah you probably really need to see a gender therapist an get everything sorted out in you own mind.

I've actually heard a number of trans men say that they feel this way. I don't personally have a theory as to why, but if I had to hazard a guess I imagine it would be dysphoria related.

This is cliche but I say just follow your heart. If you meet a great girl who you are emotionally into, chances are the sexuality aspect will follow. And even if it doesn't, you just have to be happy with your relationship.  And if you think about guys when you're alone, what's wrong with that? As long as you can give your girl 100%. It's not really different from having a fantasy about a girl other than your gf, you know? Just a different person with a different configuration.

birkin —

I appreciate your advice

I agree with you at some places but I do think that it would be wrong to fantasize about another person while in a relationship. I believe that fantasy can still be a form of unfaithfulness.

But thanks, I hope that I work this out with myself in the end.

I personally am not interested in having sex or a relationship with a guy, but I still watch gay porn and mainly read gay romance stories.  I don't know why it appeals to me so much, but on the bright side it's something that I can and do share with my girlfriend.  Sexuality is confusing.

Quote from: noah732 on July 28, 2014, 10:32:14 AM
birkin —

I appreciate your advice

I agree with you at some places but I do think that it would be wrong to fantasize about another person while in a relationship. I believe that fantasy can still be a form of unfaithfulness.

But thanks, I hope that I work this out with myself in the end.

That Hon is a big misconception. People fantasize about somone or something else all the time when they are with someone. It is totally normal. Why do you think that most people close their eyes when they kiss? When it comes to the sex, most if not everyone have their eyes closed. Why? Could it be tha most people fantasize while have sex with someone? Really you shouldn't feel guilt over it in the least.

Personally I find transmen irresistable. And since I am bi that is what I fantasize about when I am with another woman. Yeah I know, way too much information. But we thrive on fantasies and without them there probably owuldn't be near as many people in the world today as there is.

Quote from: OreSama on July 28, 2014, 02:37:06 PM
I personally am not interested in having sex or a relationship with a guy, but I still watch gay porn and mainly read gay romance stories.  I don't know why it appeals to me so much, but on the bright side it's something that I can and do share with my girlfriend.  Sexuality is confusing.

Ain't that the truth? I personally believe we need to embrace our sexuality fully with no shame or guilt or anything negative about it.

i can relate. i'm a bisexual aromantic, meaning i don't mind sexual activities with boys and girls but i don't develop crushes nor am i interested in dating. it's possible your sexual and romantic orientations are different, as others said. also you mentioned being aroused by the thought of penetration - with a bit of help from uhh, tools, females can also penetrate, maybe that thought would help?

either way though i still say don't worry too much about it, there isn't anything wrong in having preferences to certain things. if however as you said it bothers you to the point where you regularly feel upset about or cry, then yeah i'd speak to a therapist, ain't no good bottling up negative emotions.

I know your pain, I am a lesbian, but sometimes I just want to be with a guy for the sex. I am really dysphoric about using my penis during sex. Every sexual encounter I have ever had was with a female and eventually it lead to me using it. it was always a very uncomfortable experience, and I would always go soft when ever someone touched it(every time ive had sex my partnor assumed i was a cis-guy). sometimes I cry when i masturbate unless if i am toyin myself.

I don't get turned on by guys. I am not attracted to men but I still want to have sex with them at some point for the penetration. its weird. the way i see it is, you and i both just need to explore and figure it out ourselves. I feel like using your female parts for sex doesn't make you any more or less male, so if you want to use it use it. If you are unable to deal with the confusion though i wouldn't recommend it.

I looked it up. Looks like I'm heteromantic homosexual.

My heart is broken. How will I ever have a relationship if I don't want to have sex with that same person?

You're hardly the first guy to feel this way. This happens to straight guys all the time but they are too ashamed to admit it. Lots of people have fantasies and even arousal outside of their sexual orientation. Its why questioning even exists.

Hi

for me it sound like your sexual and romantic orientation is diffrent from each other.
we general feel attracted in diffrent ways, for diffrent people and in diffrent degrees.
If a guy is attacked to women sexually and also want to be romantic with her, fall in love and so, he is
hetrosexual and hetroromantic, (a person feel sexual attraction and romantic attraction toward the opposite gender)

for some people what they romantically is into is not what they are into sexually exemple, a girl who can be in love with either gender but only find sexual attraction toward women (biromantic + homosexual)

it pretty confussing for many, but I belive most of it is due to the fact that we in sociaty dont think people can be flexible.
-
About the penetration thing I kinda get what you mean. I personally like penetration but I also had issue with it. I think this is rather typical problem linked to masculinity where penetration is seam as.. well something rater shamefull, taking that + some dyshoria can get quit troublesome.

I dont know how you feel about bottom dyshoria, I personally dont have bottom dyshoria but just what I decribe as "sociaty dyshoria" on how people view me. I dont mind penetration with someone which dont make me feel like sh*t and limit me to my genetails, but it had taken some time to both admit it for myself and find someone trustworthy to try it out.
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Quote from: Natkat on July 31, 2014, 10:47:54 AM
Hi

for me it sound like your sexual and romantic orientation is diffrent from each other.
we general feel attracted in diffrent ways, for diffrent people and in diffrent degrees.
If a guy is attacked to women sexually and also want to be romantic with her, fall in love and so, he is
hetrosexual and hetroromantic, (a person feel sexual attraction and romantic attraction toward the opposite gender)

for some people what they romantically is into is not what they are into sexually exemple, a girl who can be in love with either gender but only find sexual attraction toward women (biromantic + homosexual)
-

How do I deal with it? I hate having two totally conflicting desires. What do I do?

Quote from: noah732 on July 31, 2014, 07:19:43 PM
How do I deal with it? I hate having two totally conflicting desires. What do I do?

personal im bisexual so for me its probably not as difficult as if you are straight or gay, But I have heard before people who exemple identify only as straight but go out to just have gay sex and so simular to you. My teory is that it pretty common actually but really not spoken about because it like a touble taboo thing.

I dont think theres really an all clear 101 guide on how to deal with it, it would depends from person to person how they feel but I think it important to be honest so if you exemple have sex with someone only for the sexual plesure that you make sure the person dont think that you are dating or will date.
I am this type of person which dont like to mix sex and emotions so unlike many I talk to which like having sex when they are in love and so I feel much better doing it with someone I dont like, I think this is also a sort of desire conflict even though it gender neutral then we still live in a sociaty which belive that these things are connected and we have to bond in certains ways. I think theres many in the bisexual spectum who dont feel equal for male and female and maybe only sexual or romantically toward one gender or another and so on. you could maybe find people with more experience on it.

I dont think it would be so difficult if people where more openminded. it easy for me finding good friends and people I feel very emotional with, and it also easy to find people just for sex. the biggest issue for me is the shaming of it but having openminded friends sure help alot. I think my advice would be you trow off sociatys expectations of the "love story" and how to be with people in a box and try re-think it on what you would feel most confortable with, and then be honest with the people you are with whenever it you get a girlfriend or you have sex with a guy. I think for me living up to sociatys expectation on how you have "real relationships" and "real sex" and all this kind of thing, where you expected to behave a certain way have not made me very happy. I rather be honest and be with someone who can live with the way I live insteed of giving up on myself or pretending to like/dislike someting I dont, again the social expectations is the biggest deal but if you look around you probably find more people with simmular issues.

p.s. I found this blog and comic I thought maybe you would enjoy.
the blogger writte abit about mixed orientations and the comic is also about an asexual who fall in love with a ->-bleeped-<- which is straight sexually but romantically dont care?

https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/tag/mixed-orientation-sexuality/
http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-cover/