Hi. This is really hard to even think about right now even though it's keeping me up at night and ... urgh... I don't even know how to summarize it.

I'm 2 years on T and 1 yr post top. I'm straight, only ever been attracted to women. I've had 1 gf before, and she was very good with the situation.  She made me forget I was trans. But other than that our relationship was awful... she hurt me a lot and left a lot of scars. I hadn't been interested or even felt for anyone for over a year, until I met my current gf.

I've never fallen for someone on sight before but I just felt this deep need to know her as soon as I met her. She felt the same way, and it felt so right. The kind of person I could have a future with. We are both very intense people, and that's nice for us, to not have to hold back. Things were going perfect, but I kept... noticing things. Like how she really liked wearing my clothes, and other things... that I couldn't really ignore. So I asked her one day... if she felt that way. I didn't expect the answer at all. She's had a lot of abuse issues, so the situation goes that she is second guessing all her thoughts on the issus but... as far as I can see, it seems like she is predominantly leaning towards being ftm. I mean right now, using female pronouns is set. God. I didn't react right at all. I feel disgusted with myself because she is the best thing to ever happen to me, but I can't get over how, if she were to fully decide and understand she was trans... how I can't see that future. I can't imagine being intimate with a man. I can't imagine feeling sexually attracted to a guy. I feel sick because, being in the same boat, this shouldn't be a problem. And I sway... sometimes I think, it could work. But then, when I convince myself of that, I just think of super super selfish ->-bleeped-<- like...... how before I met her I hardly ever had to think about being trans. God, wow, lucky goddamn me right??? And about how much harder it would be to be in public... how I'd pass less by proxy... all this bad selfish crap running through my head and feeling sick and disgusting because I'm thinking those things. How can I love her if I'm thinking these things. How can I want her to stay suffering because it's convenient to me.. I don't, but I don't want things to change. And now pandoras box is open, I can't see her as just "her" anymore. I'm seeing him. And sometimes I catch myself being terrible. Like... she asked me to feel her leg stubble because she hadn't shaved in a bit and I totally shot her down. I knew she was... I knew it was a thing to do with this. I think.

I can't deal with this. It's making my mind explode... this internal dissonance in thoughts. I don't know what to do. She says she won't do anything till she has had therapy for the stuff that has happened. Stuff that would make her want to disassociate from being a woman. It could be that. I don't think it is. But I can't deal with this constant reminder every day that I am trans. That we might be. Thinking that all my future days I will have to be face to face with it. I don't need to be cis but
I don't want to have to face not being "normal" every day. She talks about other trans guys and their problems every day. I can't do anything to help them. I can't... I just I'm too overwhelmed by this whole situation.  Can anyone help me?? I don't even know what aim this is for. I just needed to talk. I can't tell anyone because I'm the only one she has ever told and I respect that.

I can't give you any advice, but I can tell you that this is a hypothetical situation I have asked myself about. Like if I had a gf who then told me 'she' was FTM, how I would react. I decided long ago I'd probably have a lot of the same feelings you do, I'd hate the reminders of my own transition, but moreover, I couldn't be physically or emotionally intimate with a man.

I think this is something you have to be frank about with them. As hard as it is when someone rejects you because their sexual orientation doesn't line up with your transition, you can't change your orientation. I have heard people say things to lesbians who are dating FTMs that if they "really" loved them and respected their identity, they'd stay with them even though they only like women...well to me, that would be disrespectful to the trans person because they don't like men, to justify it on the basis that they were born female is not fair to the FTM who in all likelihood wants to be seen as any other man. I wouldn't date a lesbian because if she wouldn't date me as a cis guy, she shouldn't date me as a trans guy, because I am no different.

And you can always be there for them as a support. That's just how I feel about it. If I were with someone who came out as FTM, that would mark the end of our romantic relationship, because I don't like men and don't date men. I'd be treating them as I would any other man.

Obviously it's hard when feelings are involved already...but yeah. Scattered thoughts but I feel you, I don't think you are a bad person for feeling this way, you can't help that you only like women, you know?

Seems like as in, your partner has specifically mentioned it to you, or seems like as in you are seeing things and reading them certain ways? 

You need to have a frank conversation with her.  End of story.

The best thing to do, I think, is to let her go to therapy and do what she needs to do there. If she comes to realize she is trans, tell her that you can't see yourself with a man. You still care deeply, but you don't feel it would be fair to either of you to continue a romantic relationship.
She may realize that it is just residual feelings about her femininity that are a result of her abuse. That is entirely possible.
Regardless, just be there for her as a friend. Maybe visit a therapist yourself to work your feelings out.