Hey all...so despite my eloquent and oft times chipper and humorous posts on the forums...I have quietly been having a rather rough time over the last month or so with my dysphoria...

I know! Danniella having a rough time and talking about it! That's not a vain attempt at a funny or motivational thing! OMG STOP THE PRESSES!

Yeah...>.>

So the big thing that is messing with me right now...is that pre transition, I was not too bothered about my genitals...

I was in a long term stable relationship, we had lots of sex, I did the normal things a gent is expected to do with said equipment, and the whole time I never really had much of a PROBLEM with my own genitals...yeah I would have preferred to have female parts, but I never really HATED my own...

I pretty much saw my male parts as a tool to please my partner with rather than anything I was...particularly attached to...

To me it was just a fancy sex toy...and an admittedly convenient way to vent excess fluid from my system while standing up (God dammit Danniella...can't you be serious for once )

-sigh-

But as I continue through my transition, and the person in the mirror becomes increasingly feminine in appearance and mannerisms...I find my dysphoria towards my genitals is increasing at a seemingly exponential rate...

Every day it just feels more and more...wrong to have that thing there

In the past, every time I tucked was thrilling, seeing the almost smooth crotch and feeling more feminine...but now they are tiny little moments of depression that pepper my day.

Masturbation is becoming increasingly difficult...not due to any reduced functionality, but simply because if I actually look at myself, or undertake any overtly "masculine" behaviours (Read as "Jerking" etc) I am instantly overcome with misery...

I am constantly paranoid during the day that I have, or will, come un-tucked, that everybody is staring at my crotch. and that no matter how tightly I tuck...everybody can tell what is between my legs just by glancing at me...

The concepts of any relationships or intercourse instantly depresses me, because I know I can't and wont have anything serious for a long, long time, just because of my genitals...

And there are countless other moments like that during the day...

The worrying thing is...I have spoken to a lot of girls on the forums now about their own experiences, including their feelings towards their genitals pre and post op. But most seem to say that they either A: Always wanted rid of it, or B: That they gradually care less and less about it as they transition socially.

But it's just getting worse for me the more I transition

I am still at least a year away from realistically getting my SRS...but at the rate these feelings are mounting up, I am worried that I may break before I reach that point...and I don't know what I can do to stop it, or slow it down.

I have been to the edge before...and landed myself in a mental hospital for a time as a result...easily by far the worst time of my life...And I am genuinely becoming increasingly terrified that if things continue at this rate...I will end up back there...or worse

I don't even really know what I am asking for here...because it's not like anybody can fix my own inner turmoil through the medium of internet posting...but I just needed to say something I guess...a somewhat overt cry for help I guess...

I promise I'll get back to using humour as a defence mechanism soon...probably >.>

Well you mentioned them as an elegant sex toy. And that you are worried people will see them. Unless enormous you will probably find no one pays any notice. I was regularly wearing sloggi hipsters - tucking away nicely - and changing in the ladies at the gym. My friend who knows my past once told me she tried to sneak peak and couldn't spot anything. And I was'nt small.

My Dysphoria hit only when exercising In the gym and noticing that in certain situations on the mat I would feel something in the wrong place. And then it hit hard.

The problem you seem to write about is viewing them as a male part of you - rather than an additional appendage to your female body. But I cannot see inside your head. So...

Ask a trusted friend if they can genuinely see anything (hopefully they say no)
Live your life and ignore them
Discuss with the therapist
Your time will come much quicker if you stop worrying about it (the last 15 weeks shot by)

I'd say I don't have a strong dysphoria around mine but still want it gone. It's an itsy bitsy teeny weeny anyway so it can sometimes vanish from my reflection if I squint my eyes enough...! I know what you mean about the tucking though, it really does create the illusion that surgery should hopefully deliver.

Hugs. Practicality and the ability to be as surly as I wish at work and get away with it are the only two things stopping me from taking one of the numerous blunt and heavy instruments I own and start to have some fun because I know the big day is a long way off.

More hugs and a metaphorical field hockey stick, to rant rave and wield like you're the left hand of God herself.

You don't always have to be chipper and use humor as a defense mechanism. This is a SUPPORT site how can we don't ask once and awhile. If you don't cry for help how are we to know something is wrong and give you what help we can.

Hugs

I didn't ever want surgery (I told my brother I would never "chop it off") but now that the changes are compounding, it feels more and more wrong to have it there. Plus, the whole not-having-testicles thing would help. I also can't have anal sex with my boyfriend because I have an autoimmune disease making it really difficult, so having a vagina there would be just great.

Daniella, I've pretty much felt the same way you have. I always wished I had female parts, but I had always accepted my male parts. But now that I am two months on hormones and starting to notice other changes, now I wish I could just get the surgery over with to match, and I hate when a tuck gets loose (It sends a chill through my spine and I panic when I feel it)

I don't think I can say any thing to help much. I've live with it for a long time and  know what a barrier to my true self it's been. HRT has helped quite a bit, but really not any where near enough. the only real solution is GRS , but that's just a day by day process to see if I can get there. I try to deal with it , its a bummer though

I feel the same about mine too

before transition it never really bothered me , but now it really seems that it shouldnt be there

Hey everybody...

Thanks for the kind responses, I'm sorry I haven't replied earlier...

It's been a pretty rough few days, I kinda hit rock bottom with the dysphoria for the first time in a long while...to the point where I found myself having full blown panic attacks in public, drinking, not sleeping...and other super happy fun time psychotic/existential crises moments.

I'm hoping that this is mostly due to work and family life stresses exacerbating my dysphoria to a critical point wherein I kinda crumbled again, rather than any long lasting new phase in my dysphoria

Soooooooo I have taken a few days off of work, just to try and pull myself together again...hopefully with some rest and recuperation I will be back to my...well not my old self...but a happier present self >.>

Thanks again, I may not have the drive to reply to your posts, but know that Susan's is never far from my heart, and I am still lurking regularly, to try and leech some strength and hope from all you amazing men and women <3

Why is SRS "at least a year away"?  Are you 100% FT?

Quote from: Susan522 on August 07, 2014, 11:36:52 PM
Why is SRS "at least a year away"?  Are you 100% FT?

I live in Scotland, and under the Scottish NHS you need to have been full time for 12+ months before you can apply for a recommendation for SRS. All good Surgeons/Doctors need at least two of these recommendations from different psychologists before they will let you book your surgery. The goal of this is to attempt to reduce the number of people who have post surgery regret.


I began full time in April, which means I will not be able to even ask for the recommendation until April 2015, then gathering the applications could take a few months, at which point I will then need to go on the waiting lists for whatever surgeon I choose (most likely Dr Chettauwut) which could take another 4+ months.

It's all just time spent jumping through hoops

I just look at mine like an outie, that's how I'm coping with my bottom dysphoria until I get grs.

Och Daniella, dannae kin, ye best is yet to come? Ok I did an Msc in Aberdeen in '99-2000 and forgot Doric.

Talking through the Dysphoria is important. But my therapist also does BioEnergy and this helps me physically and mentally relax. Perhaps why I'm supercharging my recovery? Seriously finding someone who can help you feel comfortable in your body is important. I would do visualisation exercises - the female me and the male me. Sat either side. They are both me but one is ascending and one just a misty collection of bits around male genetalia.

Our bits might be changed. But they still signal our brain in a similar way - at least to start with. Yes tucking is a pain but something I Just did. I just did not think about it much. Part of my transition. And there were virtually no thoughts about touching myself for pleasure. Instead I worked - and lived. Certainly I wasn't reading Susan's, there are too few positive stories here

Just be patient. If you know you will get the necessary letters then apply earlier. Or use the therapists recommended by Dr Chet... But hang In there - relax and stop thinking too much. The time will pass quicker. And you will need a lot of positive energy and fitness to have a good recovery.

Before I started my transition, surgery was the furthest thing from my mind but my body dysphoria flared really bad in 2012.  That time it was simply the yearning to get transitioned.

Once I started on hormones, the urgency to get surgery went away for a while.

It's starting to flare again, this time from the fact that I've come so far now that it's one of the few things I haven't done.  I'm already living full-time, getting my name and ID sorted, finishing up laser on my face, and nickel-and-diming a cute wardrobe bit by tiny bit but I feel like I would like to make love to my fiance and feel close to the way a cis woman feels when making love. 

There are other reasons too.  I want to be able to wear leggings too, and girl jeans, but I can't tuck because of a varicose vein in my left testicle.  Obviously, I could just get laser surgery to correct it or an orchiectomy, but the laser would be fixing something I don't want and the orchiectomy on its own would feel pointless because for me, a penis without testicles would be just an enlarged clitoris with nothing below it; I'd rather go ahead and remodel it into something more functional if I'm going to get work done down there.

I guess in my case it's not so much that I hate my male genitalia as they're a seldom-used relic occupying the proposed site of a very nice new structure and they might have to be demolished to build it.