When i tell people i'm trans, i mean it. But because of how i look and whatnot i get funny looks, of course. I'm heavy, over 200 pounds (but fixing this!) and i have a large chest and a fem voice from time to time. Though my voice only gets higher when i'm trying to be polite to strangers...ugh.

So i'm dressing normally just... jeans and a shirt are the norm for me since elementary school. No big deal, everyone dresses like that here. Cut my hair really, really short, a nice shock to the family. Got a lot of "why did you do that?" to which i replied 'because it's easy' or things like that. I have avoidance personality disorder, so i leap over any kind of conflict - usually by lying. While i'm trying to fix that in my life, it is increasingly harder with my family.

I never use guys bathrooms. I don't think i pass at all, ever. Even when i'm in a binder, feeling good, haircut and a nice deep voice - i'll still duck into the girl's bathroom. Though i usually just avoid public bathrooms until it's absolutely necessary. But since i do this and then i'll walk out still feeling the male in me... it just feels like more lying.

The problem is, i really do feel male inside. But the way i was raised, and living with my parents... it's just hard for me to think i'm trans sometimes. So i apologize for myself, i make excuses, and i worry. And then it starts to feel like all of this effort, all of my self counseling i'm doing... it feels like i'm an actor in a play or something. Like i'm doing all this and it's all for nothing.

Also, i don't have any councelors near me that i could see about this, sadly. The nearest is like 2 hours away, and i don't even have insurance or any money to lay down for services. I had been going to a college councelor but she moved, and wasn't aware of anything transgendered.

Anyway i might be done rambling. I just don't know... i have friends too who are just like... waiting for me to change my mind again, so they aren't taking me seriously. I do change my mind, but this is a little more important than changing a date for game night or something. My boyfriend helps a lot, but i feel bad just relying on him sometimes too. He's trans, and i feel like i should be helping him through things but at the same time... it's just a horrible cycle in my head.

But yeah. Thoughts? :/

~Ty

First what you feel is perfectly normal as we have all been there at one point. Since you have no way to access Therapy you can come to us with anything. We are not therapist's of course, but we will do what we can and support you. The only thing I can really say right now is just be yourself and do not let others dictate your happiness. You are only accountable to YOU, not anyone else. After 15 post's feel free to PM me if you ever need to about anything. I may not have answers a lot of the time, but I am pretty good at listening and giving support. Good luck! 

The early stages can be very difficult Ty. You realise that your gender isn't synching between your mind and body - when it comes to gender people only believe what they see so they side with your body not your feelings. Their lack of understanding and support usually lead to more self questioning. That's partly why I didn't tell anyone until I was ready to fully transition, I didn't need anyone trying to make me doubt myself or thinking I was nuts. If getting to a counsellor is difficult have you thought of using an online gender counsellor? There are no doubt some good ones out there although I know of none to recommend.

The important thing is to make your life your truth.

I really empathize with a lot of what you said. I may also have a personality disorder (haven't talked to a Dr. or therapist about it yet, currently don't have access either), and I have had a lot of complicated relationships that have required lying to family. And I'm overweight, large-chested, and my voice goes up in pitch to be polite. And I'll be living at home again in a few weeks. And I just cut my hair way short.

I do use mens bathrooms sometimes, but only when there's a line for the womens (heh... yeah I'm -that- guy/person).

I feel the lying/acting thing a lot, and I keep waiting for a time when I don't have to consider the opinions of everyone around me, but I'm realizing that time may never come and I'm going to have to just assert myself and my gender identity anyway.

Basically, I totally get where you are coming from and I'm also somewhat new to the wide world of transgender and gender-variant life (pre-transition, no therapist, no HRT... yet). If you need a pen pal who's kind of in the same place as you, I'm around.

Hi Kulti,
I think that you may have found a home.   No one here has felt that they had a chance at an authentic life.  We all felt wrong, most of us felt ugly and awkward.  Most of us hid who we were.  An authentic life does not come easily nor does it come quickly.  You will probably find that lying becomes unproductive, denial not useful, fear less dominant.  Most of us have had second thoughts and changed our minds.  Most of us have more than once.  It can be torture.

Therapy helps, two hours travel may be time well spent, writing here helps, having friends helps.  For now only using the men's room when you are with someone is wise.  Not all guys are polite, not are are safe.  It saddens me to say that, but it is true. 

You are over eighteen, and I'm guessing in the US, you ought to be able to get subsidized insurance.  The affordable care act actually works, in some states it works very well.  Check it out.

You never need to apologize here. You are who, you are, and you are where you are.  It doesn't matter, you will be loved.  I hope you find some answers.  For me the answers were found in the seeking.  This is a timeless journey, not a defined destination.  Good luck, I hope to follow your story.

Peace,
Julie

Quote from: pianoforte on August 01, 2014, 06:27:30 PM
I feel the lying/acting thing a lot, and I keep waiting for a time when I don't have to consider the opinions of everyone around me, but I'm realizing that time may never come and I'm going to have to just assert myself and my gender identity anyway.

BAH that right there ;-; caught me right in the chest. In a good way! You saying that really makes me realize that i'm going to have to come to terms with it eventually. I mean i feel that 'waiting until i get over it' is silly, because deep down i know it's really me and how i feel, it's not just a passing thought. Yeah i'd like a penpal D: I like listening just as much as i like rambling about worries lol

And gosh, all of you are so awesome. Ms Grace, what you said really gave me hope with all this mess in my head. I have to stop and realize that I'm not like... going to be able to find the magic button we're all looking for, it's going to take even more work. Which, after a couple years of questioning and playing with ideas.. I think i'm willing to keep at it. And i hadn't thought of online counselors either, i'll have to look into it!

Jessicaaa! You made me almost tear up over here! xD I think sometimes just hearing that i'm normal helps too. Not to mention the happiness thing. Low self esteem really hits me when i'm trying to accept myself, but man have i gotten better. I'm really glad to have run into this forum, and all of you.

Julie - I think i might've found a home here, yeah! The more i read the better it becomes and the safer i feel, funny enough. I'm about to the 'lying is unproductive' part of all this, i'm getting mad at myself and just sort of wishing they'd find me out instead of me telling them. That's another story though. -- And i'm almost never just alone, so i have that going for me. My safety in public is a concern for me, being in a small Texas town, but i think i'll be ok. And yes i'm in the U.S. and whatnot, i'm 27. Just... trying to get my life in order before i start thinking about things. Which, i'm focusing on school at the moment with no job except little things here and there. Fun times.

I do find that the more i actively seek the more i discover. With this journey and my life in general, so i can say that at least! Thanks everyone ;-;

Just keep coming back, face everything that you fear, and for crying out loud get the heck out of Texas!

Quote from: Kulti on August 01, 2014, 06:47:01 PM
My safety in public is a concern for me, being in a small Texas town

Hey! I am your sister from North of the Red River!! So cool!! Go Oklahoma State!!! *giggle*

I knew I remembered the username for some reason. What can I say, I am blonde and get confused at times! 

Ty, I never heard the term Avoidance Personality Disorder but I avoid conflict and I will do and say anything to avoid it. I too am working on it too.

Small town in Texas, that must be tough.

People who are not trans* or friends with trans* just have no reference to what we go through on a daily basis. Even if I review something with a non-trans* they dismiss it as, "everyone has problems". Then they wonder why you do not discuss what is going on.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on August 03, 2014, 07:42:39 PM
Ty, I never heard the term Avoidance Personality Disorder but I avoid conflict and I will do and say anything to avoid it. I too am working on it too.

Small town in Texas, that must be tough.

People who are not trans* or friends with trans* just have no reference to what we go through on a daily basis. Even if I review something with a non-trans* they dismiss it as, "everyone has problems". Then they wonder why you do not discuss what is going on.

Yeah that's the thing too is that everyone just writes off what's going on with you. Either it's a fear reaction and it's anger or they start bullying. Or they just "well okay, you're just ___" And try to drop you into a bucket like 'weird', 'gay' or 'butch' or whatever. I've gotten that a few times too. Not talking about it to random people is hard when it's on your mind, too... which is why i'm glad the internet exists! haha xD Blogs and tumblr have helped me. And now Susan's! <3

And the avoidance - I'd gone to a family friend who was a license psychologist, he addressed that issue and helped me bring it to light. It was really tough. I've been working on it actively for years, then this trans thing comes up and i'm thrown into a whole 'nother world of scary. I've found though that if i just breathe and go on to do whatever i'm doing it'll be okay. 

Oh oh and @JulieBlair - I'm trying to get outta Texas! I'm looking to move to Oklahoma actually! Thanks for that advice though, reading that gives me an extra boost

Quote from: Kulti on August 04, 2014, 12:52:27 AM
Yeah that's the thing too is that everyone just writes off what's going on with you. Either it's a fear reaction and it's anger or they start bullying. Or they just "well okay, you're just ___" And try to drop you into a bucket like 'weird', 'gay' or 'butch' or whatever. I've gotten that a few times too. Not talking about it to random people is hard when it's on your mind, too... which is why i'm glad the internet exists! haha xD Blogs and tumblr have helped me. And now Susan's! <3

And the avoidance - I'd gone to a family friend who was a license psychologist, he addressed that issue and helped me bring it to light. It was really tough. I've been working on it actively for years, then this trans thing comes up and i'm thrown into a whole 'nother world of scary. I've found though that if i just breathe and go on to do whatever i'm doing it'll be okay. 

Kulti

Scared is what many of us have felt  for much of our lives.  Breathing and taking one step after another, in the direction and at the pace you wish to travel, is a whole lot easier with friends.  We are here for each other and look forward to sharing our thoughts, perspectives and experience.  Plenty of great folk here.  It is great to have you join us.

Safe travels

Aisla

Quote from: Kulti on August 04, 2014, 12:52:27 AM
I'm looking to move to Oklahoma actually!

I know great Therapist's, Endo's and Pharmacies who are very trans friendly. Holler when you get here! 

I'm glad you are here. Susan's is great.

I've had a lot of the feelings you mentioned, mostly when I was younger. I was born in a small town in Texas, and I feel lucky that my family moved out of there, but we mostly bounced around other small Southern communities when I was growing up. Feeling alone and being seen as weird is not fun. Your voice thing - even post-transition I've had to fight against the habit of speaking in a higher pitch when trying to be polite. And I was like pianoforte in that I used men's restrooms frequently when living as female just because it seemed ridiculous to not access an available toilet when the lines in the women's were long, but I also kept using the women's room for a long time even when I was presenting as male, and I experienced the same self-castigation you described when I did so. Your situation sounds awful but not abnormal for any transperson. I hope taking stock of it helps you change whatever parts you dislike most.

I've never been diagnosed with any personality disorder, but I have trauma issues and I certainly use avoidance to an unhealthy extent. Your stated tactic of just plowing through is good and practical. Do whatever works for as long as you have to.

Good luck on getting to Oklahoma.