hellllllllllllllllllooooooooooooo
first of all, I missed Susan's. This place is really becoming a home to me. What have I missed?
The short version of what's below is I went camping and I had an awesome time but it's the first time, for me, I've felt just how hard being trans* is. I also was reminded just how much of a guy I am.
I just spent an awesome week camping with my family of choice. these are the people who know me the best and love me. We live several states apart so I don't see them all the time and they aren't as ... liberal as my friends. I've read a lot of posts about family reactions and challenges and since my family and I don't have contact it hasn't been something I've had to deal with... except that these friends are my family. And it was weird. They struggled a lot with my name and gender. They were trying but it just didn't come easy. And there were times when I picked up that things clearly made them feel awkward. My niece and her boyfriend were there and they were much more at ease and the boyfriend and I were making jokes about the men's bathrooms (nothing inappropriate I promise). My friend sort of through up her arms and said "I don't want to know". And when I said something about getting top surgery she also seemed to not want to talk about it but then later said if I needed help she could help. So... I know it will just take time. And I know they were trying and that it takes time. They never put me down or anything, they just didn't have the comfort the kids did.
The other challenge was that we were in a campground. So I used public bathrooms exclusively for 8 days, including the drive there and back. The only exception was when we were hiking and I could pee in the woods. Yay for peeing in the woods. I can pass in pictures but my body and voice give me away in real life. I got plenty of stares. It was also weird sharing the bathroom with my friend (sort of like a brother-in-law) and my nieces boyfriend. I had moments where I felt like I just couldn't face walking into the bathroom. I did and the only real issue I had was today on my drive home and it was minor. I was walking out of a bathroom at a rest area and almost walked into a guy walking in. I muttered sorry and tried to keep going but he blocked my way for a moment looking at me and then looking and pointing to the men's sign on the door. I moved around him and he gave me the dirtiest look but let me pass. Whatever.
I also used the men's shower and that took a lot of nerve to do. Another first for me. I hope I'm not a total wuss and this sort of stuff stresses out other people. Heh, and then I almost fell on my ass in front of the ranger cleaning the bathroom. Maybe for some people switching bathrooms and showers is pretty straight forward and easy but for me it was freaking hard. I'm not trying to whine. It's more that it caught me by surprise. I didn't know I'd find it so hard or that I'd so relieved to be home. The whole time I was there I told myself that when I pass better this won't be so hard.
And then there was the whole lack of privacy. Trying to find a private time to wash my peecock wasn't easy. I was so, so happy to come home have a good shower and do a serious clean job on my peecock. There's only so much you can do with wipes and a water spigot. And waking up in the middle of the night and needing to pee and having to put on a binder before walking over to the bathroom is a pain in the... chest ... and overly full bladder.
But I really did have an awesome time. I was with my best friends. We hiked, played games, played by the river and by the ocean. We ate a ton of junk food and had a lot of silliness. I love camping. I took photos. I drew. I sat quietly in nature. For me, those are the best things in life. And maybe I felt a litter freer to be up with the "boys" instead of hanging back with my best-friend. Maybe it felt a little more ... appropriate? I'm not saying women never climb over stuff, skip rocks or do crazy stuff but it's always been one of those things that set me apart. I can't tell you how many times in my life I had to decide if I wanted to seem "different" and do what the boys were doing or stay back and wish I could just be myself. Not that my friends judged me in the past when I did those things, but ... I don't know how to say this... this time it wasn't the weird me being accepted, it was me just being one of the guys.
Ok, I've said waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. If you read all this you are insane.
