I'm writing this simply for my own good.  There are no TS's where I live that will expose themselves and I can't afford to see a therapist again, just to get access to any TS's that live here.  It's difficult enough to transition as everybody knows.  The problems just get compounded when you're married, own a business that is struggling to stay open (with a partner who doesn't know I'm TS), and barely have the finances to pay my bills.  Whatever time I wake up in the morning, I immediately start thinking about the business problems, personal finances, job prospects (I need part-time work, hard to get at 60), and then of course transition and why I'm still trying to do this so late in life.  I guess it's an anxiety or panic attack, I don't know.  I breath heavy and quickly and my thoughts just race between all these issues.  Sometimes I eventually calm down enough to go back to sleep for a bit longer, and other times, like this morning, I just get up and grab a cup of coffee.
I know my life is no different that anyone else's life here.  I just don't have anyone local to speak with that is going through transition and I'm really very tired of doing this alone.  Support groups are not local to me.  Anyway, I'm just trying to release some pressure so that I can get on with my day and trying to avoid the depression I've experienced in the past, I don't want to go there again.  I'm so very happy, beyond words, for those of you who are living your true lives.  Hugs.

Then on top of all that we feel that we are dieing inside and just want it all to stop.

It is hard not having a face to face support structure or therapist.

You need to have a mentor and if you look around here you might find one to help.

I know we all here are just a page on a screen but we still are human (well i have bunny ears and a fuzzy tail).

Let things out and type, type, type all you need.

Transition is hard and then add all of lives struggles and you have the weight of the world on your back.

You need to make sure somehow you find the Katherine time as much as you can when you are feeling beat.

No matter how you want to keep things together please when it gets to a very bad point you seek out help with the local ER system.

Hugs

please don't take this wrong, I'm just throwing out another possibility because you not in counseling  and have no access to the trans community given that your at the age you are and the pressure of worrying about your future, your finances and your family don't you think your feeling of wanting something totally different like being a woman is an escape route. Changing gender is an incredibly difficult process. Not to be taken in the wrong way , but just an option

Quote from: stephaniec on August 05, 2014, 10:12:58 AM
please don't take this wrong, I'm just throwing out another possibility because you not in counseling  and have no access to the trans community given that your at the age you are and the pressure of worrying about your future, your finances and your family don't you think your feeling of wanting something totally different like being a woman is an escape route. Changing gender is an incredibly difficult process. Not to be taken in the wrong way , but just an option

Reading this just gave me one of them thoughts i get. You know the light bulb moment.

Are you a Veteran?

If so you can use the VA for GD help. At the moment they do not pay for surgeries but everything else is covered.

Katherine, it's people like you that I personally look up to, that regardless of your difficult time, you send such love such as in your last sentence.
I send you strength so that you can keep going.
I'm glad you wrote!
Lena

Quote from: stephaniec on August 05, 2014, 10:12:58 AM
please don't take this wrong, I'm just throwing out another possibility because you not in counseling  and have no access to the trans community given that your at the age you are and the pressure of worrying about your future, your finances and your family don't you think your feeling of wanting something totally different like being a woman is an escape route. Changing gender is an incredibly difficult process. Not to be taken in the wrong way , but just an option

Hello Stepaniec,
I've been the way I am as far back as I can remember (about 5).  I've been to a gender therapist in the mid 90's who followed the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care.  She told me in my second month that I was further along than most of her other girls and did diagnose me as transsexual.  My wife attended the last session as was required.  My mother and sisters have been aware since I started therapy and are supportive, but live in other states.  No, this is not an escape route.  My escape route was the gun I put in my mouth that led me to my therapist.  I'm not offended by your statement and I understand where you are coming from.  Hugs.

Mrs izzy, thank you for your response.  I am a vet.  I'm really just hoping to find another person that's not a therapist I can relate to.  Hugs.

Quote from: Bols on August 05, 2014, 10:24:24 AM
Katherine, it's people like you that I personally look up to, that regardless of your difficult time, you send such love such as in your last sentence.
I send you strength so that you can keep going.
I'm glad you wrote!
Lena

Thank you Lena, I appreciate your kindness and support.  I wish the best for you in your journey to be yourself.  Please take care.  Hugs.
Kathy

I think you will find that person here.

We all know all to well how hard it gets.

Thank you for serving the country. My youngest son is in the USAF and his wife.

Izzy raised a great point, Katherine. you can approach the VA for assistance, that lessens the load of one of the problems. I think you need to compartmentalize your issues and try to think of them as being distinct, rather than as elements od the great dark cloud of woe. Why (Ellie asks rhetorically) are you transitioning at 60? Pareil comme moi! Because you were not ready to do it earlier for one reason or another. I totally get that, I started at 59, but I am not full time either...

Yeah, I understand the marriage issue, my wife hasn't embraced me in several years. I, like pretty much everyone else reading this thread, understand isolation and lonliness.

I also get the business anxiety, I closed mine a couple of decades ago when I was lucky enough to be headhunted by a large organization, but energy drain due to juggling creditors and accounts payable is familiar to me as well. While I was in business, I too had a part time job to make ends meet. You should think about what you can do, not about what you can't do. 

You have to distance yourself from the issues and try to examine them dispassionately, to set some kind of short term goals. The little successes you achieve will help offset the anxiety caused by the bolus of tribulation that the issues collectively generate.

Also, don't forget, we are here. At 800 miles away, I can't just walk over and give you a hug in person, so this will have to do: