Hello,

I have been dating my Male boyfriend for 5 years. Over these five years he has gone through a series of phases and the one we are in now I do not believe to be phase. It started with compulsively buying women's panties to excess. The it moved onto cross-dressing only at home. Body hair removal, toenail painting, buying wigs. All of these things are not shown in public, only at home. He moved onto looking at T-Girl porn, and then I believe is on a dating/sex sites featuring MTF non-op women. He lives life everyday as a male, but the interests in him dressing like a women, and wanting to be with a T-girl ( which he does not admit fully to me) is growing and growing. I supported the cross dressing, I paint his nails, I don't think about the porn, but the desire he has to be with a T-girl and the emphasis on her still having a penis is so hard for me. I am not attracted to anything female, and I am strong woman who doesn't always want to be the dominant. Maybe i am just closed minded, but to me a penis is so identifiable male, and the fact that he wants that couples with breasts and smooth body, doesn't that mean he wouldn't want me? I 100% love him, and he has given me the most joy, and recently the most pain.

I have no one to talk to, as I have promised and I would not betray him and discuss with anyone, but I feel betrayed, because if he is on sites or texts other people, that is still cheating ( which is whole other issue). If there anything to be worked through to save our relationship and have a future that satisfies both of us, or is this a situation where there is not much to say and I will end up being hurt even more if I do not walk away?

Does anyone have any insight, words of wisdom, or cold hard truth for me?

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Mrs. Izzy

Nothing about what he wants or doesn't plan to do with his body reflects whether or not he'll want *you*; there are lesbian trans women, and genderqueer people who are attracted to women, etc. However, you do need to find out for sure whether he actively cannot enjoy a partner who doesn't match his porn desires, or it's just that he has some tastes in porn that aren't *required* in real life.

But with that out of the way... you're not attracted to or interested in dating a woman. If he's planning to take this journey past the point where you can see him as anything *but* a woman (because, again, not everyone chooses to make all the same transition changes), then heartbreakingly, there isn't much hope for this relationship. Similarly, if he can't have a relationship with a woman who doesn't have a penis, that sounds like a dealbreaker as well. Still, those are both big "buts," and it's not guaranteed yet.

It sounds like your biggest issue right now is that he's not being honest with you, both about what he wants to do and whom he's talking to, along with the fact that he won't let YOU have a support system for this. If you can't get him to communicate and to respect your definitions of cheating, then what you're afraid of for the future is moot - the present is already a major problem.

Good luck.

I am getting from what you wrote she has not been in therapy about these issues?

There is a very large spectrum of the TG/TS community and somewhere i feel she fits.

You need to find some good gender therapy for her and yourself.

You need not have to put yourself out just for her. If it is something more then GD then some soul searching might be needed.

I so think it is better to walk away sometimes then try and fight for something that will not make each of you happy

Just i would not draw conclusions until there are proven facts. If anything you search out your own therapist if she is not willing.

I so wish you the best and hope some other SO will stop by and offer other suggestions.

Meaby is not that (s)he wants to be with t-girls but meaby (s)he wants to find out how it would be if (s)he in that phase in the future. It seems that cross-dressing is a natural phase almost all transgenders go through. Or it's just a fetish that (s)he has.

I don't think you are really close minded. A penis is something I also find quite male. I love my girl but I don't want anything to do with the penis she still has (it will be changed in the future so I don't mind). That said I still feel it sometimes, but as it bothers her more than me I will not make an issue out of it. If my girl decided to go back to being fulltime male (which is very very very very unlikely) I will try to stay with her (as I love her very much), but it will be very hard for me.

Ask how (s)he feels about it all. Both the transgender things (meaby it helps to give information) and the feelings between you two.

Honest sit-down chat is what you'll need. Being on sites doesn't always mean cheating, though they often facilitate. You're quite clear on where you are comfortable and what you want. Is he able to clarify for you? If you get the answer you're looking for, will it mean that the answer might change and are you ok with that?

Many SO's have hints or are told outright about the situation with their loved ones. It's a matter of knowing this and still being there if the answer changes or alters. Some SO's know nothing at all for years.

As an SO in the latter situation, I'll play the devil's advocate and ask, how hard are you willing to work to hold on and make it all balance? (If the answer isn't quite what you sought). Keep in mind too, long term relationships are hard work. This bit just adds an extra facet to your lives.