It went pretty well...I specifically designed the unveiling to link back deep into the past, and I was able to skip over the whole stupid crying in you arms thing. Made me happy not to do that and to just talk to my mom on that level. She was of course confused by the whole, "Me still liking girls thing." I explained to her that my sexuality and gender ID were linked but not to be confused. It went really well...
She's keeping the secret from other people, like my manic pa who needs R and R (another worry of mine)yet at the same time nurturing support so he can have a career.
How did I do it?
I made 2 drafts of the letter, put them in separate envelopes, and put both of them on her pillow. She said she'd be back home to homeschool. I asked if I could borrow the car to go Downtown to get an energy drink cause I was feeling down (I was...). I proceeded to go all the way to another station miles away to get Bawls, and I called her after making a time capsule to myself (lots of freakin letters...). I told her to read the first one and THEN the second unedited one so It would be easier to swallow. She was relieved that I didn't COMMIT SUICIDE. Luckily, right in the letter it said I wasn't suicidal, and that I would only get the opportunity to screw with our race for as long as possible. So she was relieved, I returned home calmed down with something familiar to me in hand, and we went in the car and talked about it.
She was truthful and told me she used to be a tomboy. I explained that they didn't get the end of the barrel all the time. She agreed.
Overall it went really well.... She might buy me some clothes and counseling to determine some things first obviously, but w/e...Sounds good
Now where the ->-bleeped-<- is my Dad?
Posted on: September 17, 2007, 07:27:38 PM
Letter one will be posted. 2 is just more personal. That one can't be shown. Sorry. I hope it can be used as a bad or good example. (I'm a cold jerk)
Dear mom,
This needs to be read. Its very important, and may offend you in some ways. I don't intend this and love you very much.
For a long time I've wanted to tell you something really important. One of the biggest reasons I tell you, is that
I want to be true to myself, so I can BE myself. My concerns about, "Losing myself" and feeling depressed all of the time
had a big reason. They were not, by any means, stupid bull->-bleeped-<-. Its been like this for years, and I've only really started
to completely research it. I thought I could continue living with a facade and become successful, and THEN tell everyone
everything.
Not true. Its taken me several drafts
to even compose this letter. Its the most sincere one I will ever write besides the original, which is much more in-depth
and shocking. Its attached to this one. This is the more easy version. Its heavily edited. Even then its overflowing
with shock, because I need the truth heard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever since before puberty, I've had gender dysphoria. You may have read about it in books before. Its been a secret
for years now, and only recently have I actually come to terms with it. I used to think it was just a fetish. But it wasn't.
That would be easier, but it isn't. Ever since becoming aware of my body, I haven't felt right in it. Most of my
awareness of it came during puberty. I thought it could have been an external influence, but the influences were really
too obscure. I still like girls, but I just don't feel right as a male. Its pure confusion and torture. The more my body
matured, the more confused I got. So now I sit at a crossroads that determine the rest of my life. I have to blaze alot of trails,
and may alienate people EVEN MORE, but I have to do this right, and I need your support. I hate it, and alot of things
that I really fear as explained in letter two, but I need to get through this. I'm not looking for a stupid hug session
of you apologizing to me, and me crying. I don't do that. If I am a girl, I'm not the stereotype for that either. I
didn't even want to tell you about it because of the whole thing hitting you with Dad, but I NEED to. I can't be like
this anymore, with no sense of who I really am. Its horrible. I love you very much, and me telling you this is proof of
me loving you.
Now before you go on and debate this, know that this is the thing that has depressed me for no apparent reason for years.
On those days where I say I just don't feel well. Everything. School life, and its speed and unforgiving progression leave me in
the dust. Its biologically proven in many ways. Its not "Bull->-bleeped-<-", and me "Talking to people" late on the internet was either keeping up with people who can
further my career, or keep me happy, or support groups and research. I can't even do any comics. They feel insincere,
and doing that is my only hobby and joy. I haven't been brainwashed. I thought so for a while, but I realized that the
origins of this were too obscure to really be the product of the imagination. Now that more and more light is being shed
upon who I think and feel I really am, more needs to escape. My fears were at first, for a long time numerous, and couldn't
be thwarted. My latest fears were people thinking differently of me (an inevitability that must be coped with.) which has always
been a primary reason, and then you. After this Dad thing, I didn't want to overload you with this, because I didn't want
you to mourn me if I went through with it. Thats because, once again, I love you. The most common reaction to hearing this news
is mourning who I was. I don't want this. I'm mad at Dad because he chose to do this right when I was getting more information
and was about to tell you. I almost told both of you once, and you assumed I was gay, but I was too afraid of people
leaving me. I need my friends...
I'm really sorry for giving you this. I really am. I wish I didn't have to, but its destroying my life even more. This
thing depresses me worst than anything else. Its a secret I've held for a long time. Purging it is like going through
withdrawal...Only when I get rid of my own deception, will I ever find out who I really am.
Please don't blame yourself, or think about anything you could've done to prevent it. Its my fault for not telling you
really. Also do not think I'm a different person. I have the same memories. My concerns are really addressed in letter 2,
which is deeper, and very depressing and confusing. It must be read though.
I don't know how far I want to go with this, but I want at least androgen blockers to stop progression of my male side.
Like I said, I'm at a crossroads. I don't want to wait longer because the longer you wait, the harder it will
be in the end.
I'm so sorry for inflicting this upon you. You don't deserve it, and I love you. I have been cold, and cynical, but I love
you. Better yet, I CARE about you. If you think the two are the same, then good. I'm sorry for all those times I
had no reason for my behavior. I've been wanting to get this out of me for a long time. One of the biggest reasons is
that I need your support and advice. I don't want stupid advice I can figure out on my own. I NEED support though.
I don't want Dad to Know yet. Telling you is enough for now. Its too much...
I'm sorry for confusing you, and failing you, and hurting your feelings for no reason. This is not an excuse, but I hope
it explains some things about me.
Once again, I'm sorry, and I love you very much,
"Devious Xen blank blank pseudonym thing"
