I also get fairly curly hair when it grows out, and ironically, I actually passed better when it was long. Especially from behind. I never quite understood this phenomenon, given typical gender preconceptions, but I sure never complained about it.
ETA: I'm sorry your friends are being so... tactless, I guess, Edge. That's just rude to do if they can tell it makes you uncomfortable. I'm in a situation where one of my friends always uses my right name but frequently messes up pronouns. She always corrects herself, but she only knew me a couple months as my birth name and says she "sees (me) totally as a guy". It's great and all, but it's just a little off to me. She also always says "you're such a boy" which I KNOW she says to make me feel better, but feels kinda condescending. I'm not quite sure how to approach that one.
Just trying to get at the fact you're not alone. My inbox is always open and I try to answer promptly if you ever need to talk or vent.

Thanks, devention. I don't know what I'd say. Right now, I want to vent, but I'd just be saying the same things over and over. I kind of want to roll up in a ball and cry, but I still can't cry.

I'm sorry, dude. I hope you feel better this morning.

A little I guess, but still very dysphoric. Tomorrow's T day though and I might have time to call the surgeon I have in mind with questions, so maybe I'll feel better then.
I hate to do this, but I think I'm going to have to lay things out for my friends. Mind if I paste it here and get feedback over whether it's assertive and coherent enough?


I hate to do this, but there are some things I really need to ask people not to do. As in doing these things will result in me hating people and showing it. If you've already done these things, then don't worry about it, but don't do it again.
1. No, it is not ok to out me without my permission. No matter how open I am about it, no matter how little I pass (ouch), no matter if I previously gave permission to tell someone else, no matter how ok you think this new person will be, no matter what, it is not ok to out me without my permission. The only time that is necessary is if there is a medical emergency (like I'm unconscious and paramedics need to be told). Any other time, ask me first and respect my wishes if I say no.
2. I am aware of how ridiculously effeminate I look and sometimes act, what my body looks like, that I come across as "cute," etc. Stop rubbing it in my face. If you want to give me a compliment, go with more masculine ones and not ones that refer to either my looks which I hate or broken defense habits which I also hate. If you want to give me tips on how to look or act more masculine, tell me what I am doing right instead of pointing out how effeminate I am. Then I know what to do aside from feel completely hopeless.
3. I am aware that guys can be cute and effeminate. Just because other guys are, that doesn't mean I want to be or even am. Definitely not to the extent that people think I am/should be. I don't want to have so much of me ignored and I don't want to transition only to put a mask back on. I want to be me. If you want me to be some cute, effeminate guy, go find someone else.

Quote from: Edge on August 05, 2014, 01:23:01 PM
A little I guess, but still very dysphoric. Tomorrow's T day though and I might have time to call the surgeon I have in mind with questions, so maybe I'll feel better then.
I hate to do this, but I think I'm going to have to lay things out for my friends. Mind if I paste it here and get feedback over whether it's assertive and coherent enough?


I hate to do this, but there are some things I really need to ask people not to do. As in doing these things will result in me hating people and showing it. If you've already done these things, then don't worry about it, but don't do it again.
1. No, it is not ok to out me without my permission. No matter how open I am about it, no matter how little I pass (ouch), no matter if I previously gave permission to tell someone else, no matter how ok you think this new person will be, no matter what, it is not ok to out me without my permission. The only time that is necessary is if there is a medical emergency (like I'm unconscious and paramedics need to be told). Any other time, ask me first and respect my wishes if I say no.
2. I am aware of how ridiculously effeminate I look and sometimes act, what my body looks like, that I come across as "cute," etc. Stop rubbing it in my face. If you want to give me a compliment, go with more masculine ones and not ones that refer to either my looks which I hate or broken defense habits which I also hate. If you want to give me tips on how to look or act more masculine, tell me what I am doing right instead of pointing out how effeminate I am. Then I know what to do aside from feel completely hopeless.
3. I am aware that guys can be cute and effeminate. Just because other guys are, that doesn't mean I want to be or even am. Definitely not to the extent that people think I am/should be. I don't want to have so much of me ignored and I don't want to transition only to put a mask back on. I want to be me. If you want me to be some cute, effeminate guy, go find someone else.

I think it's fine as-is. It's assertive and clear, but doesn't come off as overtly blunt. I'm going to have to post something like #1 myself later on today - I'm encountering the same problem, left and right.

It sounds good to me, dude. Gotta be assertive and tell them what's what.

Thanks Declan and devention. I've posted it now.
If I may rant a bit more. That first one. It makes me so mad. The people who most adamantly claim to see me as a guy are the ones who do it too. If they really only see me as a guy, why do they feel the need to tell people I'm trans?
Also, I automatically (as in I don't do it on purpose) act more effeminate the more nervous and uncomfortable I am. That doesn't help matters.

Update:
I did post what I wrote and talked to the friends who had done the first one individually as well. They now feel horrible about it because, although I was relatively nice about it, I was also pretty clear on how I feel about it. So that went well.
I just got off with the secretary for the surgeon I have in mind. I now know about how much money I need to save up (plus travel) and what to do for a consultation.
I went to the bank today and opened a second (free) account specifically to save up money, so I'll make sure I put any money I have left over after rent, bills, groceries, etc in that. It's going to be a lot easier to save up money if it's separate from the rest of my money and I can see it going up.
I still feel really dysphoric, but I feel good and productive about having a plan and starting to put it in motion.

Quote from: Edge on August 05, 2014, 09:42:27 PM
Thanks Declan and devention. I've posted it now.
If I may rant a bit more. That first one. It makes me so mad. The people who most adamantly claim to see me as a guy are the ones who do it too. If they really only see me as a guy, why do they feel the need to tell people I'm trans?

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but in my case, all the people who out me are attention seekers. Being transgender is a novelty to many, and being associated with someone in the midst of transitioning is like knowing a celebrity in the minds of some people. They want to be asked questions and fussed over, and if the person they told reacts badly, they get an ego boost for defending you. It's possible your friends are doing this for some of the same reasons and that they aren't outing you because they don't consider you male.

Maybe, but I don't like being considered a novelty either.