I don't know if this is common, although I've ran into a post-op FtM friend that this was true for. Anyway, I find that I've increasingly see my old self as another person. I broke down the other night because I realized that that old person is gone. In a weird way, that old person has died and I was born. So, I was essentially mourning my old-self.

Although my old-self had a not-so-good life, he was strong enough to go through a lot of stuff and strong enough to let me exist as I am today. I can't help but to feel gratitude towards my old self. I'm thinking of making an "in remembrance" book for my old self. That might sound weird, but in a way it's a way of letting my old-self go, pass on, and for me to keep living.

I really don't know of other trans people who has done a book like this, except my one friend. Others I've talked to usually have a lot of anger towards their past life. As for myself, I didn't like the situations, but through those experiences my old-self became strong and passed that strength on to me.

I'm not sure why I see my old self as another person. It's like I've started a new life and I can remember my past life. We're the same person in essence, but not the same person at the same time. I don't even know how to word it correctly, and I'm not sure if I completely understand these feelings totally.

I kind of wonder if my recent stint with me thinking I look boy-ish (when no one else sees it) is sort of part of the mourning process. Maybe, in a way, I miss my old self and the strength he had. At the same time, I'm my new self, Natalie, and this is who I am and he's a part of me, but gone at the same time. It's a weird feeling that I'm not sure others feel, or if I'm completely off the wall and not making any sense.

I'm not even sure why I've started to mourn my old self. It's not that I want to go back to that, that's not who I am and going back would make no sense at all. Maybe it's about letting go so I can go forward. Is it the year of being full-time that's bringing this on. Is it the fact that surgery is less then a year away for me. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things. I just don't know why. I just feel this way... a sense of mourning, yet a sense that I'm moving on -- being born in away -- into a new life. An excitement and a mourning; a death and a birth.

I actually caught myself the other day picking up something that I used to own in my former life. It wasn't mine, it was my old-self. I remember saying, "This is Nathan's." Yes, that's my old-self's name. That person is a different person. That was when it really hit me, and I really clued into the duality, and how my old-self has become someone different, and has now passed on. I cried a lot after that. I still cry about it when I think about it. Someone died so I could be born.


--natalie

I'm glad that you feel as if you started over.  I bet in a sense that is a bit of a relief as well as a bit of sadness.  I understand that your old life probably wasn't something great, but hey, it had its moments too.  Anyways, I hope that I too can one day join in on your success.  Congrats on all your progress!

Quote from: gothique11 on September 06, 2007, 01:25:51 AM
I broke down the other night because I realized that that old person is gone. In a weird way, that old person has died and I was born. So, I was essentially mourning my old-self.

Bingo, which is why it is sometimes really hard for me to remember that no one else has that perspective when it is so... horribly obvious to me. He is dead and gone. It is really quite a lousy situation really, but such is what happens with this condition; Letting go of who we were.. him.. is part of the process.


Now, in the same in my perspective I am still the same person in essence; I am not HIM, but HE was ME. ^{*shrugs and sighs*} I am trying to say I have lost none of that strength he had, an really I don't think that is that abnormal.

Just my thoughts, sand in the wind...

I was mourning the guy I use to be, for all he wanted was to be loved.  He that I use to be is dead, killed by his own hand.  I do miss him sometimes.

Beni

Weird.  I don't feel like two people.  I was always me.  Just before I was more repressed, and wasn't getting to truly express my gender identity for fear of backlash.  But I mean, what I have been struggling with, not as much now, but before, was just the idea of not being ashamed of those things, or angry, or hidden about them.  Which is hard.  But I'm determined to live my life not as a fugitive to myself.  Those memories and experiences are me, and they have made me who I am today, I can't just dismiss them as another person.  I don't even really want to.

That said, it would be a lot of awesome to be able to play with memories and time and self with that kind of fluidity.

Also they say mourning is a step towards acceptance.  So you're probably on the right path towards reconciling your past with your present.

Muchos love.

Quote from: gothique11 on September 06, 2007, 01:25:51 AM
I don't know if this is common, although I've ran into a post-op FtM friend that this was true for. Anyway, I find that I've increasingly see my old self as another person. I broke down the other night because I realized that that old person is gone. In a weird way, that old person has died and I was born. So, I was essentially mourning my old-self.

Although my old-self had a not-so-good life, he was strong enough to go through a lot of stuff and strong enough to let me exist as I am today. I can't help but to feel gratitude towards my old self. I'm thinking of making an "in remembrance" book for my old self. That might sound weird, but in a way it's a way of letting my old-self go, pass on, and for me to keep living.

I really don't know of other trans people who has done a book like this, except my one friend. Others I've talked to usually have a lot of anger towards their past life. As for myself, I didn't like the situations, but through those experiences my old-self became strong and passed that strength on to me.

I'm not sure why I see my old self as another person. It's like I've started a new life and I can remember my past life. We're the same person in essence, but not the same person at the same time. I don't even know how to word it correctly, and I'm not sure if I completely understand these feelings totally.

I kind of wonder if my recent stint with me thinking I look boy-ish (when no one else sees it) is sort of part of the mourning process. Maybe, in a way, I miss my old self and the strength he had. At the same time, I'm my new self, Natalie, and this is who I am and he's a part of me, but gone at the same time. It's a weird feeling that I'm not sure others feel, or if I'm completely off the wall and not making any sense.

I'm not even sure why I've started to mourn my old self. It's not that I want to go back to that, that's not who I am and going back would make no sense at all. Maybe it's about letting go so I can go forward. Is it the year of being full-time that's bringing this on. Is it the fact that surgery is less then a year away for me. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things. I just don't know why. I just feel this way... a sense of mourning, yet a sense that I'm moving on -- being born in away -- into a new life. An excitement and a mourning; a death and a birth.

I actually caught myself the other day picking up something that I used to own in my former life. It wasn't mine, it was my old-self. I remember saying, "This is Nathan's." Yes, that's my old-self's name. That person is a different person. That was when it really hit me, and I really clued into the duality, and how my old-self has become someone different, and has now passed on. I cried a lot after that. I still cry about it when I think about it. Someone died so I could be born.


--natalie

The thought scares me cause I seem to have lost my old selfs dominance a while back (not too long ago. He seemed really more on his own side with morals and didn't dissect things to ribbons. More solid strength.)

He isn't DEAD yet. But I fear the day when he will be if I go through with this anymore.

Quote from: gothique11 on September 06, 2007, 01:25:51 AM
I don't know if this is common, although I've ran into a post-op FtM friend that this was true for. Anyway, I find that I've increasingly see my old self as another person. I broke down the other night because I realized that that old person is gone. In a weird way, that old person has died and I was born. So, I was essentially mourning my old-self.

i had that discomforting feeling too, that there was some kind of duality, especially in the early days of transitioning. but i don't feel that way any more. if i put on a costume and play a part, that part is not really me. and that's how i feel about my "former self." it was just me, playing a part that i myself never believed in. by casting it off, i'm not saying goodbye to a former self, i'm just quitting the act, changing out of my costume, and finally accepting my personality as it really is.

-ell

I'm tied to the, "role" as you put it so well, maybe cause I liked what I could accomplish as him. I was the one who saved his friends when he could and lead them around on adventures. It seemed alot more personal I guess. Now its like I'm being led around.

I dk...Theres way too much to think of in this stuff.

Quote from: gothique11 on September 06, 2007, 01:25:51 AM
I don't know if this is common, although I've ran into a post-op FtM friend that this was true for. Anyway, I find that I've increasingly see my old self as another person. I broke down the other night because I realized that that old person is gone. In a weird way, that old person has died and I was born. So, I was essentially mourning my old-self.

--natalie

This is weird one........
I don't have an old self or a new self......I've always been the same person......I've never lead two lives or lead a lie.....I don't identify with the anology at all.....I haven't changed personality or looks and have always remained true to myself. ..

I know some people do change from one 'type' to another especially hyper masculine types who lived in deniel and were agressive and become gentle...

I too feel that I'm still the same person. I find it disconcerting when acquaintances don't recognize me because I still feel like the same person inside. It's just my outside that has changed and become more in accordance with how I see myself.

Even now I look at the few photos of myself that I allowed pre-transition and I don't identify with the image seen in the photos.

Dennis

Quote from: gothique11 on September 06, 2007, 01:25:51 AM
I broke down the other night because I realized that that old person is gone.

I caught my reflection in the glass of our patio door friday night... and I just stood there, staring, while a million sad tears just came flooding out.

I suddenly realized... I'm no longer male.

Why that would make me so sad, I don't know. I mean, this is what I wanted, right? And it IS, but... I dunno. It's still sad to suddenly realize you lost something you were so used to, and sorta when I wasn't even looking. It's kinda like I never got to say goodbye to an old friend, and now they're gone. And the reality of what I've done sank in (again)... my god...

~Kate~

I've never really had the feeling of the male part of me being a completely different person; instead, he was a part of me that I really didn't like, and was the dominant part for way too long. He could really be a bastard at times, and I was glad to see him go. When my legal name change finally came through a few weeks ago, we had a wake to celebrate his death!

It's very hard for me to relate to my former life. When I look back on it, all I feel is how much I suffered silently inside throughout those years. So much pain is associated with that time, I can scarcely bear to look back on it, let alone regard it kindly. I guess I'm still too close to it and need to progress further in my new life, to put more distance between me and my past, to get clear of the recent raw memory of that pain. I call that time in my life "the shadow." A pall that overshadowed my being and drained the life and meaning from it.

As I stand on the threshold of full-time womanhood, what I mourn is the loving relationships that have to end because they depended on my former self-expression. I love my family members who are going to reject me as a woman. It hurts to break all those family ties, necessary as it is. But my male persona, no, frankly it's very hard for me to feel anything but intense loathing toward it and I just want to get free of it.

I hope someday I'll become more able to come to terms with my past, as the thread originator describes, and reintegrate my past with my present. But right now I still have to struggle too hard to establish my life as a woman in this world to allow any regard for anything else.

Of course my old self wasn't a different person, but in a way he was. I like to think if it this way: is anyone the same person they were as a child? Yes and no. You're the same person, but at the same time not. I was a child at one time, but I'm no longer a child -- I don't think like a child, I don't act like a child, I don't behave like a child... I'm not a child, I only once was a child. I once was a child me and if I could go back in time and visit the child me, I wouldn't be that person. (Sorry if that's completely confusing)

I went through a part when I hated the old male part of me; however, over time, I realized that it wasn't the old-mes fault for being "male." Very few people loved the old me, and saddest of all, he didn't even love himself. It wasn't his fault that Natalie, the woman I am today, wasn't allowed to be who she was. In reality, I'm the same person, but I don't act like the old me, I don't act like the old me and I'm so different than the old me. Of course, I'm the same person, but not the same person at the same time.

The old me wasn't a bad person at all. And even though I found it easy to hate him at first, eventually I realized it wasn't him that I hated, but the situations that I had to go through as a guy. It wasn't his fault. At first I thought it was, and I loathed the male-ness, until I realized that I was never male, only acting on it because of that was what others expected me to do. In a way, this male character became a person (a very, very effeminate person, I should mention... my transition wasn't a surprise to many.)

Now, I don't act male at all. I don't wish too. That isn't who I am. I remember for a bit I not only hated my own male past, but I started hating other men -- which I soon realized was very unfair.

In a way, when I realize that it wasn't his fault that he was forced to be created, I realize it wasn't my fault for having a male-history. And when I stop hating him, I stop hating myself and any reflection of the past that's still in my face, in my memories, and in my tears. I stop feeling ashamed, I stop feeling cheated, and I stop feeling anger. I kinda feel zen.

Yes I have a past. And no, my past isn't the same as your typical female past (is there one?) Having a male past doesn't make me less female than I am now. Just like having a childhood doesn't make me less adult now. I'm no longer a child, and I'm no longer a man; I'm an adult, and I'm a woman.

Anyway, enough with my attempt at zenish rambling. LOL

Hmm. I have wept for that mask I used to wear. He wasn't a bad guy. He was rather brusque and shy all at the same time. He was interested in protecting me from a world that I refused to meet for reasons of my own.

But, note: "he" was a mask, not a full-grown individual with multiple personality facets. He did only what I needed him to do in order that I could remain hidden. I no longer need him to protect me. That mask is one I never use anymore.

I cried when he left. But, he was tired and was willing to wander off down the road and disappear into his other world. He did. I was left with only myself for protection. But the difficulty that made me want to be hidden forever dissipated. I was dying to resume my life.

The memories I have are simply me. Just Nichole. I have no recall any longer of events that didn't include me. It's a good thing, Natalie. Good that your memories are developing into memories that only include you. For, there has never been anyone there who wasn't female. Has there?

hugs,

Nichole

Quote from: Nichole W. on September 18, 2007, 10:22:47 AM
The memories I have are simply me. Just Nichole. I have no recall any longer of events that didn't include me.

I'm not sure how literally you mean that, but I've started to think that I'm losing my mind, lol... as it gets harder and harder to think of ages 1-42 as being "my" life, my memories. The opening entry in my blog says:

She muses about that Other Life, the one which had brought her here, the images and sounds seeming more and more like a fading dream now. So much lost, so much that was so real at the time, now crumbled into fraying memories, echoes of a life now lost forever. How could all that be gone? It seems so much like a lazy summer daydream now, full of drama and noise, and yet... a life lived by someone else who's memories and experiences were still alive in her.

And this is proving to be rather prophetic now.

I'd LIKE to be able to say "I'm still me! Same person, different body!" but it doesn't ring true. And my wife INSISTS it's not true. The "husband" she married is dead, and not simply from the physical changes, but an overall context shift. Explain it how you will, maybe I lost my "male shell," maybe I just feel free to be "me" now, but the end result is I am NOT the same person I was... and "his" memories just don't FIT anymore.

Whenever I think of "my past," it tends to only go back as far as a year or two, when I started all this. Before that... it's but a dream.

~Kate~

Quote from: Kate on September 18, 2007, 12:06:47 PM

Quote from: Nichole W. on September 18, 2007, 10:22:47 AM
The memories I have are simply me. Just Nichole. I have no recall any longer of events that didn't include me.

I'm not sure how literally you mean that, but I've started to think that I'm losing my mind, lol... as it gets harder and harder to think of ages 1-42 as being "my" life, my memories. The opening entry in my blog says:

I mean and meant it completely literally and no, I don't believe it to be delusional. I suspect that as someone totally accepts their life in their factual gender that it may be a rather common occurrence.


For some it seems to occur even prior to srs, but after the gender role she was born withy is fully accepted and the mask dropped. For others, possibly most, it occurs after srs. But, it does occur and it does not seem to partake at all of delusion.

More like recognition that oneself has always been the self presented and presenting.

Anyway, Kate, I was being completely literal.


Nichole

A little over a year ago I was writing in my blog about how we have to filter our memories to make sure we don't accidentally give ourselves away in casual conversation; you know, saying something like, "when I was in Cub Scouts..."

Anyway, a realization hit me as I was writing; I sadi, "Today I had an even odder experience. I was thinking of elementary school, and it hit me that I remembered myself as Annie. All the experiences were there: playing at recess, doing a magic trick for show & tell, watching a movie in the cafeteria; yet they were the experiences of a little girl with bushy hair and too-long legs. I was seeing things through the eyes of the person that had been there all along, buried deep inside, but still there."

cool, I do that too.

It gets hard when your with a group of girls and you all start talking about when you had your first period, etc, etc.

Quote from: Kate on September 16, 2007, 10:31:58 PM

I caught my reflection in the glass of our patio door friday night... and I just stood there, staring.........
I suddenly realized... I'm no longer male.

Why that would make me so sad, I don't know.


~Kate~

You know, lately, I've been stopped in my tracks by the 'stranger in the mirror'.....but this is no real stranger.  This is me, has always been me, but isn't under the influence of testosterone. 
Marcy and I don't mourn Mike, because Beverly is all the parts of Mike that Marcy loved the best, and now, those qualities are more distilled in essense.
I like myself better too.  I love the way I look and feel,  and I certainly like my temperment much more.  I am happy most of the time, sensitive far beyond Mike's sensitivity, and very attuned to the nuances of the world around me.

Last night, for the first time, I had a dream, where I was Beverly, and there was no thought throughout the dream that I was TS....I was just Beverly.  I think I'm finally going home, where I always belonged.......female in mind, not TS in mind, or 'used to be' in mind......just .......me.......Beverly.
What a blessed relief.  I think also, that is why I am not going in search of answers all over the web, and do not come here as frequently, though I love this site.  I think for the present, anyway, I'm very busy enjoying being Beverly.  Biggest important thing on my mind tonight?  I have an 11:00 hair appointment tomorrow morning   

Love to all,
Beverly