Im almost 20 years old, Ill be 20 in November. My mom is adamant that I am NOT transgender, that this is a phase, a whim of sorts. She has also made it clear that something in my head 'isn't right' and she keeps trying to self diagnose me as "OCD and 'Identity Disordered". Her reasons for my supposed OCD is because I collect legos, I have a few video games I'm really into, and I like these game figures called 'skylanders' so I collect them for my game. I also collect My Little Pony, and guitars/musical things because I like music. All of this is OCD to her. For the record, all Ive ever had was ADHD Inattentive type and a learning disability for math. Thats it. Why I would want OCD, I don't know. I watch Howard stern and hear of Howie Mandell, Thats OCD. Not liking skylanders or collecting ponies and stuff.  So to bring ya'll up to speed; My therapist/LCSW has told her numerous times to please please please get me into this trans youth, genderqueer, questioning and what not Clinic, its basically a gender specializing clinic. Ive contacted them, they are so much more than happy to help me, I just need to get there. My whole problem is that SHE promised to my counselor to take me, I signed a release form with him so he and the professionals there can correspond, etc. We leave the counselors, and she tells me shes not taking me to some 'lgbt clinic" and that I need a psychiatrist that shes looking into. I don't think she understands any of this I really don't, Im scared because I don't want to go to her psychiatrist, I don't. She will lie to them and tell them all this stuff about me to make me sound crazy and deranged of sorts. I don't know what to do really, the special clinic would love to take me and care for me there. I need to get there, but I just don't know how. I feel stagnated and lost, angry and spiteful. Please help :/

You are 20 years old, that makes you an adult. Your mother cannot make you see anyone you do not wish to. However, that said, unless the therapist is a religious nut or a reparative-therapy type then he/she should be able to diagnose Gender Dysphoria. If the therapist has a religious agenda then do not waste your time. Any proper psychiatrist should be able to diagnose Gender Dysphoria even if they do not specialise in it. As an adult you can tell the psychiatrist that you do not want her in the room with you.

Why not just make your own appointment with a known GD therapist? Just pick up the phone and say "Hello, I would like an appointment please"

Well, I'm sure your mother is frightened that you may actually be transgendered and in denial of that possibility.  I'm guessing she's paying for the therapy so you're at here mercy.  A good psychiatrist will be able to identify your gender issues and hopefully refer you to a gender therapist if she or he is unable to treat you.  I'm sorry you are experiencing this problem and perhaps someone here who has been through it can offer up some helpful advice.  Hugs.

Thanks aaggat, I would love to call up this clinic I'm wanting to go to and say hey lets make an appointment, but I have no ride, mom wont take me, no friends to take me; so i feel utterly screwed to say the least. And the fact that shes threatened numerous times to kick me out.

Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 02:48:32 PM
Thanks aaggat, I would love to call up this clinic I'm wanting to go to and say hey lets make an appointment, but I have no ride, mom wont take me, no friends to take me;

Bus? Taxi? Bicycle?

Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 02:48:32 PMAnd the fact that shes threatened numerous times to kick me out.

And yet you are still there. So she uses the threat to control you and get the behaviour she wants. Do you have a job?

@ aaggat Well via car, to get to the clinic is only 53 minutes, vs the busses or train which would take around 2+ hours so time wise driving would be the best IMO; and no I don't have much of a job, I worked on and off, part time for my grandfathers factory but quit when I the physical labor was actually leaving me bruised, inhaling plastic shavings, etc, the work environment wasn't any good for my health basically.

@Katherine. She worries that Im going to do something that Ill regret. She also doesn't believe the counselor when he says stuff to her about this, her and the families claim is that he's putting things into my head and telling me what I want to hear, that the counselor didnt work for my brothers depressive issues so he's not helping for me. She wishes she could get me in with this other stupid counselor who would pray with me when I was little, thats all we would do. We would pray and play board games. She keeps bringing it up like "oh  wish penny was still around she was really good". Like NO all we did was pray, thats not going to do jack.

Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 03:01:05 PM
@ aaggat Well via car, to get to the clinic is only 53 minutes, vs the busses or train which would take around 2+ hours so time wise driving would be the best IMO;

Well, since you have no work colleagues who can help, what about a neighbour? You could offer to pay for petrol

Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 03:01:05 PM
She wishes she could get me in with this other stupid counselor who would pray with me

Religious counselling for gender issues is a waste of time. In fact it is more likely to damage you than help you. If your mother is deeply religious then there is no point in explaining this to her because she will not believe anything that goes against her beliefs.

An alternative... find a local psychiatrist. One you CAN get to on your own. Any properly qualified shrink can give you the initial diagnosis you need, but religious types are a waste of your time.

My own opinion is that fundamentalist religious types are the ones that need psychiatric counselling, not us folks with GD.

well, once you said the therapist's treatment was prayer, it's time to look for another therapist. A priest prays a qualified therapist tries to give you medical advice.

Hi

Iam sorry you're going through this. You have to understand that it's difficult for parents to accept this, and they'll do everything they can to sort out any problem you may have that's blurring your thinking-process.

However, you don't really look like you have OCD, you could have Asperger syndrome but that doesn't in any way invalidade your gender dysphoria.

Your mom is actually trying to "help you", though it's not very helpful of her, she is worried and thinks this is the best way yo help you. She is obviously wrong but she may eventually come around. You need to very patient, and careful. Continue taking small, baby steps to become who you are and she will notice that you are for real. Oh, and find a way to go that LGBT clinic, you have lots of ways: taxi, train, subway, bus, idk, but find a way! Do this for yourself.

Best wishes

I entirely concur with aaggat. Avoid anyone telling you that they can "fix you" via the medium of religion.
It doesn't work, just like "praying away the gay" it has been shown to inculcate shame and depression in individuals. It's harmful psychologically and even those who previously trumpeted it's efficacy are now calling for it to be outlawed.

If you feel that you are being compelled to speak with this psychiatrist, in your position I would insist that your mother remain outside so as not to colour the psychiatrists impressions. You could say that your issues are private, if your mother insists upon staying and the psychiatrist doesn't support you then I would get out fast because they're not there to help you but to satisfy your mothers demands.

If she's threatening to kick you out for not obeying her then your welfare is not her highest priority. It sounds like she's more concerned with having a "normal" child and what the neighbours/her congregation might think than you being happy and healthy.

Have you considered getting in touch with the clinic by phone or email and explaining your situation? They may have experience with others in similar circumstances and may be able to advise or help you.

In the meantime I suggest you look for a job, if you can get some money together then you should be able to make it to the clinic without having to rely on someone ill disposed to take you.

*hugs*

Quote from: Eris on August 05, 2014, 03:31:36 PM
I entirely concur with aaggat. Avoid anyone telling you that they can "fix you" via the medium of religion.
It doesn't work, just like "praying away the gay" it has been shown to inculcate shame and depression in individuals. It's harmful psychologically and even those who previously trumpeted it's efficacy are now calling for it to be outlawed.

If you feel that you are being compelled to speak with this psychiatrist, in your position I would insist that your mother remain outside so as not to colour the psychiatrists impressions. You could say that your issues are private, if your mother insists upon staying and the psychiatrist doesn't support you then I would get out fast because they're not there to help you but to satisfy your mothers demands.

If she's threatening to kick you out for not obeying her then your welfare is not her highest priority. It sounds like she's more concerned with having a "normal" child and what the neighbours/her congregation might think than you being happy and healthy.

Have you considered getting in touch with the clinic by phone or email and explaining your situation? They may have experience with others in similar circumstances and may be able to advise or help you.

In the meantime I suggest you look for a job, if you can get some money together then you should be able to make it to the clinic without having to rely on someone ill disposed to take you.

*hugs*

I agree with Eris on her thoughts and the others here.

Many family push there feeling on us because they are worried what others think and they just can not handle being looked at like OH you have one of them kids.

You go to who you want for a therapist. Also check with the local government support office to see if there is a way for them to give you medical help?

I wish you the best and please remember it is about you and your mental health not hers.

My mom wanted me to try conversion therapy when I came out.  Due to the fact that I loathe the catholic church and it's negative impact on me and other family members growing up, I find it odd that those people/priests would "save" me, but whatever.   Make sure that you go to a trained therapist that doesn't have a political/idealogical agenda to talk you out of this (you shouldn't let anyone sway you in the opposite direction either).  Go to someone that is there to help you through this and make choices that make the most sense for you as an individual.  Parents often respond with fear, but they can't run your life.  It's hard to go through though.   I'll never forget some of the things that were said to me and the blow outs that occured after coming out. 

@ learningtolive Oh god the blow outs, the freaking blow outs. Its madness. They're the worst. And so true, the things they ed up saying are beyond ridiculous. I had my fill of growing up in catholic school, thru 8th grade, then I went to public high school. Im not sure which was better ultimately because both were pretty bad. Catholic school I had no support really, had an IEP, ADHD, behavioral issues which I think are now tied to me being transgender, just so so so many things. I can't stand the religious stuff, I grew up with it, I was surrounded by it, I gave into it. But its just sooooo fake. They don't even go to church on sunday which is supposed to be a very religious thing and holy holy; why not. She pulled the 'god card' on me, it was the best (sarcasm). She's like "I'm liberal, artistic, open minded" then I came out and whooooo boy did that change FAST. Also my father is a HUGE Bill Oreily supporter or watcher, whatever. You know, anybody who watches that crap is like back in the 1800s. The average viewer age is 72, that speaks for itself.  He's also an ex-navy chief, that doesn't help. Im trying my best to devise a plan to get to the clinic though, I know for a fact that clinic ive looked to is the best place for.


~Thanks to all for the replies support and help even if I didnt get back to you individually!

Quote from: aaggat on August 05, 2014, 03:14:02 PM
Religious counselling for gender issues is a waste of time. In fact it is more likely to damage you than help you. If your mother is deeply religious then there is no point in explaining this to her because she will not believe anything that goes against her beliefs.

I agree that what most fundamentalist types believe is damaging to people like us.  But I have also seen quite a few parent come around when they realize that how we actually are doesn't line up with what they believed about "those people."  So, give her time.  You've had years to come to terms with this...it's still very new to her.

I recommend doing some research on the psychiatrist that she wants you to see.  I'm sure that a few google searches will let you know what they're like.  And then call and talk to the receptionist.  Ask pointed questions.  Explain your situation and say that your mom is insisting on your seeing him and you're wanting to know if he has any experience with gender identity issues.  That should let you know if it's a waste of time.

It's possible that she wouldn't even accept his professional diagnosis of gender dysphoria.  But she might.  So it may be worth a gamble.  You just don't want to go to a shrink who misdiagnoses you and adds fuel to the "you're not really trans" fire.

Quote from: Annabellekay on August 05, 2014, 09:35:55 PM
@ learningtolive Oh god the blow outs, the freaking blow outs. Its madness. They're the worst. And so true, the things they ed up saying are beyond ridiculous. I had my fill of growing up in catholic school, thru 8th grade, then I went to public high school. Im not sure which was better ultimately because both were pretty bad. Catholic school I had no support really, had an IEP, ADHD, behavioral issues which I think are now tied to me being transgender, just so so so many things. I can't stand the religious stuff, I grew up with it, I was surrounded by it, I gave into it. But its just sooooo fake. They don't even go to church on sunday which is supposed to be a very religious thing and holy holy; why not. She pulled the 'god card' on me, it was the best (sarcasm). She's like "I'm liberal, artistic, open minded" then I came out and whooooo boy did that change FAST. Also my father is a HUGE Bill Oreily supporter or watcher, whatever. You know, anybody who watches that crap is like back in the 1800s. The average viewer age is 72, that speaks for itself.  He's also an ex-navy chief, that doesn't help. Im trying my best to devise a plan to get to the clinic though, I know for a fact that clinic ive looked to is the best place for.


~Thanks to all for the replies support and help even if I didnt get back to you individually!

Well, I'll tell you that one's personal political stances doesn't always factor into acceptance.  I've noticed some conservatives that probably should despise me in every way have been some of the nicest people to me at this time.  Whereas, my former extreme iberal camp has been mixed.  Of course, I have had understanding people in my life, but I've also been shunned by others.  You never really know how peope are going to take you.  With therapy, however, you want someone that's only agenda is to help you find the best path for you as an individual.  Anyone that has the goal of talking you out of or into transitioning is doing a disservice.  Avoid that no matter how much your family wants you to do it.  Go to someone who will help you.   Remember you are an adult.  They may have influence over you, I know what that's like, but they don't have the ability to control or detirmine your life anymore. 

What's the difference?

Annabellekay, I can't offer anything beyond agreeing with previous posters and my, useless, regret that you're stuck in such a deeply restrictive situation. I hope things change and you're able to pursue therapy as quickly as possible so you can live your life as you feel best. You deserve happiness, it is your right.

May I ask if you would be comfortable and safe finding out the name of the psychiatrist your mother is investigating and sharing that name here? It may be unlikely but perhaps people here might have positive or negative experiences to share so you can make the most informed judgement possible.

Personally, I share the worries of others that if your mother is researching specific psychiatrists before sending you to them then it's quite possible she's always going to try to find ways to make her predetermined conclusions 'medically' legitimate via the mouth of willing puppets and will dismiss anything or anybody that doesn't. I hope that's inaccurate and she's merely been trying to find somebody genuinely competent and whose opinion she'll accept.

In the event that the attempts to control and intimidate you become worse, do you have alternatives if I may ask? Such as more accepting family or a local social housing system to turn to so you're safe?

As an aside, I think it wouldn't matter even if you were OCD since that has absolutely no impact on the validity of your personal gender. A great many conditions are merely co-occurring in trans people and do not determine or undermine the legitimacy of who you are in any way at all. In a lot of cases, I expect they're proof of the stress people have been under for being trans.

So heres an update for anybody who was curious or whatever.
Tuesday I was supposed to go to my counselor, I never went. Today my mom said I need 'see somebody who is more aggressive with this' because i told her i was depressed but not to worry about it, that i would take care of it (meaning two things, ill either end up like robin williams so to speak , or ill be running away to the clinic if i must). She doesn't get it. She still wants me to see a psychiatrist, I am not getting anywhere and she is only stagnating me with her ignorance and denial, everything. For being OCD  supposedly I haven't showered good in a week, sounds more like depression to me, but nope. I feel utterly hopeless. Today she started to fight with me about some stupid wedding we're supposed to go to, I frankly don't want to go, I hate wearing suits and tuxedos. Its suffocating. It makes me feel physically ill. But today she threw a fit and guilt tripped and shamed me into going, saying "i love this, we have no family, we don't do anything together" then she started to attack me because Im always online, shes like "fine don't go, spend all your time with your 'internet family'", Like what internet family? You mean my Facebook? I deleted it days ago, I have -no- friends, no support. I ask my best friend to take me to the clinic, he never gets back to me via text, I get ignored, Nobody can house me or help me out, I'm stuck in this sinking black hole going deeper and deeper. My mom says I need to go someone who will help me and not make me feel 'worse'. My current counselor doesn't make me feel 'worse'. I feel he has helped me grow up, he has helped me figure out who I am and little things like that. Its her and this fxcking family that is making this worse. I have to hide myself, I don't go out anymore. Usually me and my 14 year old cousin and his mom/my aunt and my family get together for our area, we have a weekend where the town has a rib roast, concerts, little thing. Well this week, we didnt meet up. The reason why? Because my nails are painted. My mom has to hide me from my cousin and his mom because I'm trans. I can't live here anymore, I can't do this anymore. I am going to end up like robin williams if something doesn't get done, If I don't get to a -gender specialist-, this clinic, this place that would LOVE to help me out, but no. Its inevitable wether she wants to realize it or not. If I don't transition, I am going to die, and I am going to die a martyr because something needs to fxcking happen for people to understand this. To know its not only me going through this, it hurts, To feel so helpless, it kills.  We went to the store today and I -HAD- to get out because I was getting dysphoric looking at the cute girls at the store, going in the girls eisle and looking at perfume, seeing bras and panties. It gives me anxiety and it makes me depressed to see that, I had to get out. Then when we did I felt drained and moody. She doesn't get dysphoria, nobody will listen to me. This is killing me and I feel like I'm losing my damn sanity and mind to this family, to her.

Get away from her in that case and move in somewhere else. Alternatively,  write a letter to your relatives and explain about your dysphoria and post it without her knowing. Once they know then they know and hiding it is pointless.

If you break her control over you then you may make some progress but there will undoubtedly be backlash from her. You need to judge whether the backlash is worse than what you are suffering presently. 

Something needs to change.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're not doing well.  I had hoped that your update would have some good news.

Having said that, I realize that you're venting and feel very frustrated.  But I think it's time for you to put on your big girl pants and make some things happen for yourself.  We all understand that dysphoria can be crippling, and you have no shortage of moral support here.  But if you're going to deal with your dysphoria, it'll be because you made it happen.  You may get some tools from a therapist, but it's still on you.

Does the counselor you want to see do Skype or phone sessions?  If not, there are plenty who do.