I'm thinking of quitting........

I had to get my car re-tested for an MOT this week. I wore a bright pink top, pale coloured crop jeans, sandals, handbag and I just had just got my blonde hair re-highlighted.

However, when I arrived at the garage one of the petrol fuel pipes had burst and the garage man temporarily fixed it for me but shockingly he said I could fix it myself if it goes again? I am not in the slightest bit familiar with cars and the last person to be able to work on cars or crawl underneath one. He then told me to wait in line for the MOT's and told the guy behind me that he should wait behind me and the mechanics words were 'you wait behind him' pointing to me. At no time did they ever think I was female.

I am fully aware that I don't pass and after 14 years of full time transition it is very hard for me to except. But obviously I wasn't going to make a point or rock the boat when I'm getting an MOT test done for my car. But this happens a lot and I don't pass anymore and there is no point in me trying to kid myself or pretending I pass. I used to pass a lot years before I started my transition which is strange.

I now don't know what my next move will be? Obviously I have never ever wanted to be male but I may have to grit my teeth and bear it. Maybe join a gym, work out and get a male body that is going to at least look good, then at least I have achieved something in my life. My legs are skinny and stick thin, I have no hip development and the fat only seems to deposit in the belly area. 14 years of constant Hormones and anti-androgens have done zit to change my fat distribution pattern.

I will never get a short hair cut, never conform to a male stereotype but I have to except that this transition hasn't worked out for me and I gave it my best shot for many years.

A similar situation did occur last year, also at a garage which was mentioned on another forum. But these are my recent experiences from this week. Instead of negativity, how about some positive comments from you?

I'm really sorry to hear how things have been for you Naturally Blonde. Whilst I may not understand what it's like for you to the full extent I have had things like this happen to me before though I am still pre-transition. I was actually called a boy and everything when I went to get my eyebrows done a few days ago and was told to get it done like a boy and that getting it different would make me look too girly... that's exactly what I was going for but I didn't speak up regarding it, I never really do. >.< I was having a really bad day so that just made it even worse and made me feel even more crap about myself, plus I had to look in the mirror and see my trachea bulging out my neck. T_T I just kept my eyes closed for most of it.

I'm not sure what to say, but I have no doubt this must be extremely painful and disappointing for you. I can only hope you are able to find happiness else where or are able to find the strength to continue down this path.

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 06, 2014, 07:06:42 AM
I'm really sorry to hear how things have been for you Naturally Blonde. Whilst I may not understand what it's like for you to the full extent I have had things like this happen to me before though I am still pre-transition.

I am not pre-transition I am 14 years down the line Valleyrie. If I was just starting out it would be a lot easier to except. But this situation has happened over and over.

I know, I meant I can't really understand how it must be for you since you've been on hormones for 14 years already and I am still yet to start. Sorry for any misunderstandings.

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 06, 2014, 07:15:02 AM
I know, I meant I can't really understand how it must be for you since you've been on hormones for 14 years already and I am still yet to start. Sorry for any misunderstandings.

I am of the opinion that hormones don't work and for the majority of TS woman this is a normal occurrence that they don't pass all the time. I've met a lot of TS women over the years (over here in the U.K) and I haven't seen anyone who strikes me as physically looking female. 

Over in the USA you have shots (HRT injections) which are not legal over here but shots may be better than the tablets we get over here? I tried for ages to try and get some but could get them. I also haven't tried Spiro (anti-androgens) which I also can't get over here. We can only get Androcur and Zoladex (or Decapeptyl).

One thing to keep in mind. Regardless of what people say or do in certain situations, you have to deal with you 24/7. How do YOU feel happiest? Whatever your path, you ALWAYS have to live with you. Others who are negative, you don't live with are only annoyances. Just be true to yourself whether it's staying on this path or another. Just don't let others choose for you, after all it is YOUR life...not theirs.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on August 06, 2014, 07:22:42 AM
I am of the opinion that hormones don't work and for the majority of TS woman this is a normal occurrence that they don't pass all the time. I've met a lot of TS women over the years (over here in the U.K) and I haven't seen anyone who strikes me as physically looking female. 

Over in the USA you have shots (HRT injections) which are not legal over here but shots may be better than the tablets we get over here? I tried for ages to try and get some but could get them. I also haven't tried Spiro (anti-androgens) which I also can't get over here. We can only get Androcur and Zoladex (or Decapeptyl).

That's completely contrary to my experiences... I was getting spiro prescribed at my GP's since Jul 13 till June 14, then after my first appointment at the gender clinic my gender therapist changed my HRT to anti-androgen injections (prostap) and added some more E in a gel form.

Prostap is very strong anti-androgen, and one of its benefits is the fact that it's not as damaging to your liver as spiro or androcur (or at least that's what my gender therapist said)

I can feel a difference already!

Ask your GP for help, they may help you with hair removal, HRT, voice training etc.

good luck!

Quote from: MelanieH74 on August 06, 2014, 07:23:34 AM
One thing to keep in mind. Regardless of what people say or do in certain situations, you have to deal with you 24/7. How do YOU feel happiest? Whatever your path, you ALWAYS have to live with you. Others who are negative, you don't live with are only annoyances. Just be true to yourself whether it's staying on this path or another. Just don't let others choose for you, after all it is YOUR life...not theirs.

I understand what you are saying but this is more related to a problem with fat distribution and the inability to facilitate the physical attributes of a female. People are not wrong if they see you as male, they only see what they see and most people are not politically correct or gender friendly. These are not annoyances, this is the reality of everyday life.

Quote from: crowcrow223 on August 06, 2014, 07:38:03 AM
Prostap is very strong anti-androgen, and one of its benefits is the fact that it's not as damaging to your liver as spiro or androcur (or at least that's what my gender therapist said)

I can feel a difference already!

Ask your GP for help, they may help you with hair removal, HRT, voice training etc.

good luck!

Hair removal? I started having laser on my face nearly 20 years ago and I have never had body hair.

I have never needed voice therapy. My voice is 100% female sounding, so that isn't the issue for me. As mentioned in my original post I am 14 years full time!

Prostap is another (LHRH) analogue like Zoladex and Decapepty.

Silly question but have you tried to refresh/change your style of attire? I ask because I often straddle gender lines on purpose (though I have fully transitioned) and I find that if someone with some masculine attributes (in my case my height is the worst one) wears very feminine things, the masculine attributes pop out more. I get ma'amed most consistently wearing female clothes but those that are very andro, jeans, plain shoes, hair tied back, stud earrings instead of big danglies, light makeup instead of heavy, etc.... just a thought. Of course after 14 years, I do assume you've tried various approaches, but maybe worth considering. Also, have you stayed in your town where you used to be known as a male? If you have financial resources or can save a bit, have you considered FFS or fat transplants to get some curves? Lots of women wear bodyshapers, padded bras, no shame in that if you do too... Can you move to a more accepting community or state? Just throwing things out there... sorry that you're hurting in any case.

Quote from: GendrKweer on August 06, 2014, 07:56:40 AM
Silly question but have you tried to refresh/change your style of attire? I ask because I often straddle gender lines on purpose (though I have fully transitioned) and I find that if someone with some masculine attributes (in my case my height is the worst one) wears very feminine things, the masculine attributes pop out more.

Yes, that's correct. I am aware only too well.

Quote from: GendrKweer on August 06, 2014, 07:56:40 AM


I get ma'amed most consistently wearing female clothes but those that are very andro, jeans, plain shoes, hair tied back, stud earrings instead of big danglies, light makeup instead of heavy, etc.... just a thought. Of course after 14 years, I do assume you've tried various approaches, but maybe worth considering. Also, have you stayed in your town where you used to be known as a male? If you have financial resources or can save a bit, have you considered FFS or fat transplants to get some curves? Lots of women wear bodyshapers, padded bras, no shame in that if you do too... Can you move to a more accepting community or state? Just throwing things out there... sorry that you're hurting in any case.

Yes, this is a factor. People who know you in your home town will react in that way but these situations I've mention are not always in situations where people knew me before. Besides it was a long time ago I started my transition and places change, people move on.

I wouldn't want to wear body shapers in the sweltering heat of summer, so no I don't wear that stuff in the summer. I have also been as far as pre-meds with FFS and have tried to find out about fat transplants which there isn't a lot of information about. I am a bit limited financially, so my options are limited.

It does highlight from what your saying that meds are not the solution when going through transition. It appears that surgical intervention is the only way forward for a serious transition.

Quote from: Samantha007 on August 06, 2014, 08:01:16 AM
Sorry to hear what you're going through, naturally blonde.

Unfortunately, there is only so much hormones can do to feminise your face and body. They, among other things, can re-arrange fat distribution, smooth your skin and change the texture & density of your hair.  They can also make you develop some breast tissue. In my opinion, transwomen who pass thanks to hormones are those who already had a feminine face prior to transition. Hormones gave them that extra little help. Unfortunately, if your bone structure is too masculine, hormones can't create a miracle.

I disagree totally. Prior to hormones I had a feminine round face. Now on hormones my face is thin, my cheek bones stick out and my face looks very skeletal. As for my hair hormones have made it thin and fine. Prior to Hormones my hair was very thick and had more body. I haven't noticed fat re-distribution, only fat acumilating on my belly.

Quote from: Samantha007 on August 06, 2014, 08:01:16 AM

Before you go ahead and decide to de-transition, have you ever thought about having some ffs? I know it's expensive, but that might give you what you're looking for. i.e. passing! Reading your post, it doesn't sound to me like you are unhappy with being a woman. The issue you seem to be having is your "failure to pass" and be treated as a woman by others. If you detransition, and start living as a man you won't be addressing the core issue hun. You might even make it worse. Running away from reality i.e. pretending to be something you are not may not is not the solution, in my opinion.

Always remember, you can't change your gender, but you can certainly change your physical appearance to make it much your gender. You are a woman no matter what. Let's keep it real and start looking for remedies elsewhere hun.

hugs,

Samantha x

My body is a lot worse than my face. It looks like a typical male type fat distribution pattern with skinny legs, skinny butt and pot belly. The hormones have infused the fat into the belly area and have ignored other areas which are gender indicators like the legs and butt.

How often do you have your blood checkups done?
NHS offers help with surgical procedures, such as FFS, breast augmentation and even body sculpting. Have You read the 2013/2014 guidelines?
x

Have you considered gaining some weight or finding some money for breast augmenation and ffs?
I know from my experience, when my breasts grew it made a huge difference in how easy it was to pass.

Well, I am on hrt for very nearly six months, so too soon to see any significant changes other than my breast growth.  I was on hrt a few years ago but quit due to circumstances I had no control over.  Anyway, I'm 60 and should have transitioned when I was a young teenager or at least in my early twenties.  Just didn't really know what was wrong with me and the support structure was no where near what it is today.  Quitting is probably not a good idea, in my opinion.  I deeply regret not transitioning in the mid 90's after my therapy.  I cannot pass as I am and I am not full time.  I think if you quit, especially after so many years, you will regret it and be more miserable.  I look forward to being full time at some point in my life and I don't expect to pass well, but at least I will finally be living my life, and that is really more important.  Not all of us can be the pretty woman we'd like to be, but I'd really rather be an unattractive woman than a man anytime.  Hugs.
Kathy

*hugs* That must be really tough. It does sound from what you say that you don't want to live as a man, so detransition probably won't make you feel any better... if misgendering is bad now, *asking* people to misgender you will be worse.

This is the sad part of HRT - it can work magic for some people, but just as there are cis women with no breasts/curves/masculine faces, some of us are going to be less lucky than others. The one thing you do have going for you is your perfect voice, and possibly if you correct people (in a slightly affronted, slightly shocked tone) the way a cis woman would, you can embarrass some of them. After all, there ARE cis women who get misgendered, and so long as your documentation is in order there's no way for some random jackass to know you're not among them.

Quote from: Jenna Marie on August 06, 2014, 12:34:57 PM
This is the sad part of HRT - it can work magic for some people, but just as there are cis women with no breasts/curves/masculine faces, some of us are going to be less lucky than others. The one thing you do have going for you is your perfect voice, and possibly if you correct people (in a slightly affronted, slightly shocked tone) the way a cis woman would, you can embarrass some of them. After all, there ARE cis women who get misgendered, and so long as your documentation is in order there's no way for some random jackass to know you're not among them.

I haven't seen much evidence of HRT working on other transsexual women? I only know of one who passes with flying colours. My voice does overrides situations because it sounds female and has deterred people on a number of occasions who might of otherwise mis-gendered me.

I'm not sure how documentation relates to this thread?

Transition is for me both internal and external.  I have been luckier than I deserve.  HRT, polish and makeup have made me at least ambiguous physically.  Two years on, people who know me accept me.  People who don't know me wonder and guess.  Sometimes him, sometimes her - but it is me, that's for darn sure .  What living full time has done is confirm the Julie in my self view.

I have had to do endless sit ups, run endless miles to help estrogen shape me.  The results are what they are.  I will never look  as curvy as "Jessica Rabbit"  more like "Twiggy" in 1965.  (shows how old I am)  I have done what I can, chemistry has done what it can.  The remarkable thing is that when I look in the mirror, I see Julie, and she is a woman, and she is okay.

What anyone else thinks is nothing I can control, nor something I have time to waste over.  Shoot I got sired Saturday in a Safeway grocery store wearing a tight tee-shirt, my thought was, poor guy needs to have his glasses checked.  I am wearing a pink top, bright red nails and if I do say so myself a cute gal with a smile.  If someone misses that, I guess it sucks to be them.  So is there a point to this drivel? Only this:

We are all an inside job, if you feel pretty, you are, if you feel feminine, you are.  I transitioned because the person I saw, and the way that I felt didn't fit with who I was.  HRT, exercise, diet, but mostly friends changed that.  The incongruity between who I am and how I feel is gone.  The girl I see is the woman I want to be.  What anyone else chooses to recognize is just not that important any more.  I try to hang out with other T-girls when I can.  It pretty much guarantees that we will be read, and pretty much guarantees that it won't matter.

Fair Winds,
Julie

I'm one of those people who hasn't become dillusional on hormones.